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Supportact said: [my style is] probably more an accumulation of limitations and bad habits than a 'style'.
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Chips are "Plant-based" no matter how you cook them
Donald Trump needs kicking out of a helicopter
I'm personally responsible for all global warming
I'll try and get stuff up when I can - just been mental busy.
Some folk have said to me to take a doctor's line with stress to spend time with her now but I feel that'd be betraying my work who have been good. On the other hand, Sheena is the most important thing and now I feel bad not doing that! For the moment, work gets me away and she likes the breather so for now it's ok.
She's saying again she wants home care only (prefers familiarity of the home environment though never of us have been to a hospice) so we're waiting two weeks just for a telephone call from the doctor (ridiculous!) to set up a meeting with palliative care nurses. In truth I'd like to visit a hospice. A friend's friend is in one now but doesn't want her friends to see her now - just to remember her as she was. We've yet to do a MacMillan meet with the two of us together. She did win a MacMillan raffle - a bakery set, which was cool.
Had consultant meeting few days ago. She revealed pains she's not been telling me about...! Doctor prodded her but she didn't yelp so scheduled to see him again in 7 weeks. She was bleeding last week but doctor didn't seem concerned. She's getting a bit more tired and more pain in her right side, her skin is drying out a bit. We're sort of going on as normal... (or NOT, because I'm trying to shift the Skoda for something else already and it's taking precious time).. I almost run out of things to say, but you can never say "I love you" enough. I still need to sort out insurances for myself (life, unemployment etc) or at least look into it.
I've been in touch with old friends who found out about it all indirectly. Pretty rubbish friends not to have been in touch. Anyway.
Keep meaning to do more with Sheena and the girls but we're always working at different times or busy. Must make the time.
Been in touch with Virgin about broadband for the new place and we have a site manager meeting tomorrow. Lots of house stuff happening. I feel too much "other stuff" is happening and not enough time with Sheena.
Sheena has written her own eulogy in 14 verses of rhyme. I don't want to read it but I know it will be "good".
Also, her headstone is ready, other than the dates.... we saw the picture. The wording is unique and there's a little golden cat in the corner (she likes cats). It looks nice and she wants us to go see it. She's very brave. Other than the wake, she's sorted everything out - a real heroine.. taking the weight off others despite what she's going through. She's having lots of friends visit which is good (I think - overdoing it etc..).
I've been getting up at 3-4am in the morning not able to get back to sleep. In her presence I'm ok but angry I can't "find tears" - it's mostly when I'm on my own that happens. I think I'm going through the stages of grief even before it's happened. Or maybe I'm talking rubbish. I'm tired of thinking about the "after" and must clear out this car nonsense and sit down with my wife and make the most of the time we have. I love mornings - even if we've been a bit snappy (she gets agitated more these days and I try to be super-accommodating - definitely make sure never to go to bed angry at each other, though!) we always reach over and give each other a big hug.
I watched a film tonight for the first time in 10 weeks or something. I've played guitar about twice. I think I'm looking forward more to gardening. It's a bit like the colour is fading out of life, as dramatic as that may sound. It's amazing how much we've got through. Together. Top team! The best. Still wish I'd proposed and moved house years ago - one big regret I'll never take off my shoulders. Going to try go see "Guardians of the Galaxy 2" with her and the girls this weekend
Cheers for now!
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The 'colour draining out of life' is a perfectly understandable reaction. I've never lost a partner to physical illness - but as I've documented on here before - I have to mental illness (to be clear, she is still alive but we're not together). It was brutal from an emotional point of view - so I'm not surprised to hear how you're feeling.
Pent up anger is bound to be part of it. I still find - many years on - that something relatively minor can send me into a rage. Behaviour which borders on irrational - as someone who parked across my drive for half an hour found out yesterday when returning to their car....
Sounds like you're still being a remarkable human being. Things like this - very cruelly - reveal our true selves I find. And you Sir - are a diamond.
Don't be too harsh on yourself, and when you can, take a moment to yourself. You can lose track of your own well being when you are so focused on Sheena. Even if its just a few moments, take a breather now and then, when you can. Just to sort of steady yourself a bit.
I mean this: your posts, telling us what you are going through, with their frank honesty, are genuinely life affirming. I'm sure I speak for a lot of people here, but it makes me thinkto myself , live every moment, and take nothing for granted, and stop moaning about stuff that isn't important.
Experience has shown me that your loved ones are most important and your employer will understand, if you don't think you can take a long time off see if they will let you go part time for a period, take any time that you can get.
Secondly if you don't ask you don't get, My father-in-law got allot of at home nursing support, furniture (special chairs for comfort) access ramps etc I think that all kicked into gear once they engaged the hospice, Hospice care was good, but you don't have to stay there.
Take care mate, and enjoy the movie!
Stand back, take a look at yourself and say "You know what, I'm a great bloke". 'cos you are.
Cheers guys - will defo try to get pics up when I can!
My YouTube Channel
People are in touch because you are a good bloke and we all want to give you what support we can. Have a virtual manly hug from me. You know the sort - starts off like a normal hug but then has to move on to rib crackingly tight, and maybe followed by a few hard thumps on the back- just in case someone thinks we are being a bit soft and girly, lmao.
My YouTube Channel
Got these for the wedding day:
http://i.imgur.com/4Vdghdf.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/79iELh6.jpg
Got these for some time ago:
http://i.imgur.com/DyFYnTw.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/fPtv8wF.jpg
That's our saying:
http://i.imgur.com/6ZKB2Fi.jpg
Cats are part of the family:
http://i.imgur.com/RNpwxDp.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/1GpHacL.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/ATF00st.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/s1gs8dp.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/Dao9mS4.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/Fywgiqo.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/flHTq7u.jpg
There's this big thing about me hating onions so my grandad (bless him) gave me an onion in an enveleope saying it was a special gift for the day. In-joke - it was funny!
http://i.imgur.com/0v4JqrE.jpg
North Sea Gas:
http://i.imgur.com/3PEkALh.jpg
We danced down the aisle:
http://i.imgur.com/Wo2yZKw.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/cr641iR.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/h15sIL7.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/xM7xg3e.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/rtLfhli.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/CBQEfBh.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/iC4FnrX.jpg
My YouTube Channel
Under the same circumstances I'd be a total mess, so I'd like to add what a genuinely decent bloke you are
Twisted Imaginings - A Horror And Gore Themed Blog http://bit.ly/2DF1NYi
FYI I just put up the lo-res pics there.
It took me by surprise yesterday, out of nowhere as we were driving back from town, I burst into tears! Actually we also had an argument about something lol, but I made sure we made up before going to bed!
Her pain in her side was a 5/10 yesterday - the first time it's been like that.
She saw a plaque she is going to by which reads: "You'll find me in the garden" which is touching as that's where her bench will be (we're buying a bench with the plaque "Sheena's bench").
Also she sent me a pic today of her beside her headstone - we're going there together this weekend - she wants us both to go see together.
Work's been mental busy, still trying to sort out this car nonsense and need to get house things sorted.. also set up Maggie's meeting for the two of us. And although she doesn't want to see a hospice I might want to go just in case she's even a day visitor, just to see one.
Oh - we got the "video guestbook" part of our wedding video (which we'll have next week) - it's brilliant watching folk on screen giving us messages
Busy busy!
My YouTube Channel