Bad Gags.

thecolourbox

I'll return to more familiar territory

What is the difference between God and a pianist?

God doesn't think he's a pianist...

Dopesick

What does an angry pepper do?

He gets jalapeno face.

Ravenous

What do cello players use for contraception?

Their personalities.

DarnWeight

Ravenous said:

What's brown and sticky?

Shit!

Similarly...What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

Fretwired

I was in Cafe Nero yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Guitar_Slinger

I walked into the butchers -  "I want a pound of sausages."

He said "Sorry mate, it's all kilos now."

I said "OK, I'll have a pound of kilos."

rawk100

What's green and smells of pork?

Kermits finger.

Fretwired

A supply teacher was sent to a sink estate school in London. The class were seated and she was about to start the lesson when a boy ran into the class.

"Who are you?" she asked
"John Smith, sorry I'm late - I was having fun on Primrose Hill and forgot the time .. won't happen again" the boy replied

Then another boy ran into the class.

"And who are you?" asked the teacher
"Lucas Johnson, sorry I'm late - I was up Primrose Hill with John and forgot the time .. won't happen again" the boy replied

And then a dishevelled, out of breath girl ran into the class

"And just who are you?" asked the exasperated teacher

"Primrose Hill" said the girl

Fretwired

What music do rabbit's like listening to?

Hip-hop.

proggy

I've just read a book called 'How To Give Constructive Criticism' and it was a right load of old bollocks.

scrumhalf

I 've just been to see the doctor.

I described my symptoms and he said "right, I want you to get down on all fours over there" and pointed to a space on the floor. So I did.

Then he said "now get down on all fours over there" and pointed to another space on the floor. Again, I did.

"I'm sorry," I said "but this doesn't seem to be helping. What good is this supposed to do?"

"Well, I'm thinking of getting a coffee table i here and I can't decide where to put it."

PolarityMan

What's white?

A fridge

boogieman

Last night I had to defrost the fridge. 

Or "foreplay" as she prefers to call it. 

Fretwired

A man walks into a pub and says loudly, "Barman, three large shots of your finest scotch!" The barman looks at him and says, "Wow three shots, whats the occasion?" The man replies , "First blowjob!" The bartender then pours him a fourth large shot and says, "Congrats man, this ones on me." The man then says, "Jesus, if three large shots can't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will!"

Kebabkid

What cheese to you use to coax a grizzly out of a cave?
Camem-bert

merlin

I went to the doctor last week for a full medical examination. 
During the procedure he looked at me over his glasses and said, "I strongly advise you to stop masturbating". 
I said "Why doctor?"
He said, "I'm trying to examine you". 

EricTheWeary

PolarityMan said:

What's white?

A fridge

What's white and falls from the sky?

A parachuting fridge.

EricTheWeary

EricTheWeary said:

PolarityMan said:

What's white?

A fridge

What's white and falls from the sky?

A parachuting fridge.

What's white and falls from the sky?

A parachuting fridge.

No, it's snow you idiot.

Dopesick

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

The pilot you fucking racist.

Reverend

What do elephants have for lunch?

Half an hour, like the rest of the animals.