Bad Gags.

breakstuff

What's brown and sticky?

http://sealants-direct.co.uk/images/brownparcel.jpg

McSwaggerty

I woke up this morning when the alarm clock rang.
when l got up, the door bell rang.
when l answered the door, the telephone rang.
It was one of these mornings when everything went wrang.....

Guitar_Slinger

A man went into a cake shop in Northern Ireland, pointed to something on the counter and asked "Is that a cream cake or a meringue?"

"No, you're right. It's a cream cake."

Bucket

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Bucket

Ooooh another I've just remembered.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

speshul91

Whats black and never works?





Decaffeinated coffee you racist shits. 

thermionic

I started a business making beach footwear for amputees, but it was a flop.

CabbageCat

Bucket said:

Ooooh another I've just remembered.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

Heh. I haven't heard that one before. Bill Withers. Very good.

DarnWeight said:

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers.

Brilliant. I'm rubbish at remembering jokes. Heh. It's because its beak shrivels up. I get it. Very clever.

paulnb57

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper

"Hello?"

'Is your daddy home?' '

Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered,' No.'

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'

'Yes she's out in the garden too'

The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'

Again, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

'The search team just landed a helicopter

' A search team?' said the boss.

'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '...:)

57Deluxe

have we had this classic yet?

'What's Red and White and Black all over?'

Bucket

CabbageCat said:

Bucket said:

Ooooh another I've just remembered.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

Heh. I haven't heard that one before. Bill Withers. Very good.

DarnWeight said:

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers.

Brilliant. I'm rubbish at remembering jokes. Heh. It's because its beak shrivels up. I get it. Very clever.

I didn't read the thread ok

scrumhalf

Chap's walking down the road and as he passes a shop he notices a nice display of carriage clocks in the window. He goes into the shop and the owner gets up from his chair and greets him.

"I'd like to buy one of the clocks in the window, please. The one in the middle of the bottom shelf."

"I'm sorry" says the owner "but that's not for sale."

"Okay, how about the one to the left of it?"

"That's not for sale either."

"The one to the right of it?"

"Sorry" says the owner again, that's also not for sale."

"Are any of the clocks for sale?"

"No."

The man's getting a bit irate by this point."So you have a window display of carriage clocks and none of them are for sale? What kind of a clock shop is this?"

"It isn't a clock shop."

"Oh? So what do you do, then?"

"I'm a mohel."

"A what?"

"A mohel. I perform ritual Jewish circumcision."

"So why the hell have you got a load of carriage clocks in the wondow?"

"What would you suggest I put in the window?"

Nikko

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Nikko

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road".

Nikko

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Nikko

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

...ok that's enough for now

Fretwired

Dopesick said:

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

The Pilot You Fucking Racist.

African mothers give their kids some strange names .... ;-)

Nikko

...ok one more.

John sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did...

HAL9000

A man is out walking the dog and cuts across the old churchyard.

As he is walking past the gravestones, the vicar comes out of the church and calls out 'Morning'.

'No' replies the man, 'just walking the dog'.

Moltisanti

snakemanStoo said:

Jokes about white sugar are rare.  Jokes about brown sugar : demerara  

i actually choked and spat my brew out when i read that