Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

hungrymark

Dear George,

Sorry to bother you again, but what's the one at the beginning of Hard Day's Night?

Cheers etc

hungrymark

Dear Mark,

We would like to take this opportunity to remind you that, contrary to what you may think, it is company policy that your remuneration package as a kitchen fitter is dependent on your work-rate. And, in response to your query, sadly it will not be possible to pay you in 'chicks'.

Sincerely, Currys HR dept

hungrymark

Dear Mick,

Personally I like the red but whatever, paint it any colour you like.

Marianne xx

Gassage

Dear G. George,

Would you mind showing me those fancy chords?

Many thanks
Gassage (strictly lead guitar)

chillidoggy

Dear Mr Holland,

May I cordially request that you desist from calling your tedious, annual, musicians-I've-never-heard-of-and-have-absolutely-no-interest-in-hearing-who-sound-shite-live-infested, I'd-rather-watch-the Test Card, television programme "Hootenanny", as years of experience demonstrates it never contains anything remotely worth watching, never mind celebrating.

Up yours, etc.

Chilli.

mart

Dear Mr John,

We acknowledge receipt of your request that we cease the transit of the sun in a vertically negative aspect in your vicinity. Sadly, we are unable to comply with this request, as the apparent movement to which you refer is, in fact, an artefact of your own constant motion which, in turn, is due to a spinning maneouvre caused, we suspect, by a distortion of the gravitational field that has arisen from your particular choice of headwear.

Yours etc,

The Solar Federation

Gassage

chillidoggy said:

Dear Mr Holland,

May I cordially request that you desist from calling your tedious, annual, musicians-I've-never-heard-of-and-have-absolutely-no-interest-in-hearing-who-sound-shite-live-infested, I'd-rather-watch-the Test Card, television programme "Hootenanny", as years of experience demonstrates it never contains anything remotely worth watching, never mind celebrating.

Up yours, etc.

Chilli.

Dear J Holland

I can span an octave on a piano and I know you can't... and you know what they say about men with big hands and small hands, eh?

The Gass.

randomhandclaps

Dear Master Alex Turner,

C/O Mr & Mrs Turner

I am 35 and you guys are about 15.  Quite frankly I am nearer your Dad's age. Not only am I anti-gambling but you are clearly too young to indulge in it legally.  Therefore whilst I would gladly take your wager, confident in disproving your theory surrounding your views of my dance floor moves I shall pass on the grounds of both legal and moral responsibility.

Just to clarify I was not as you chose to view it "making eyes at you" I was in fact looking on in disapproval at you dropping expensive audio equipment.

You are however correct in that my name is indeed not 'Rio', but then I don't really think I look much like a Rio so maybe that was a lucky guess.

I hope Santa brings you all you want for Christmas.  Be good for Mummy and Daddy.

Your sincerely,

RHC

randomhandclaps

Gassage said:

Dear J Holland

I can span an octave on a piano and I know you can't... and you know what they say about men with big hands and small hands, eh?

The Gass.

Is it that men with small hands speak louder towards the end of sentences?

xSkarloey

Dear Mr Plant,

It's all very well immortalising your 'Big Log' in song, but please spare a thought for the poor plumber who had to dislodge it from your u-bend.

Yours,

Skarloeyjet Drain Services.

Blueingreen

Dear Mr Lennon.

Notwithstanding some difficulties arising from its inherent implausibilities I believe that I - in common, no doubt, with many others - have successfully "imagined" the various items on your list.

So what happens now?

Yours,

BiG

HAL9000

Dear Blue Oyster Cult, 

Be afraid. Be very afraid. 

Yours etc.

hungrymark

Dear Mr Sting,

Further to your enquiry about their behaviour towards their offspring, we have completed a comprehensive investigation into your neighbours, Mr and Mrs Kusznetsov, and have reached the conclusion that they do indeed love their children too.

Thanks, The NSPCC

richardhomer

Dear Sting,

I just thought I'd let you know that I sing along to your popular song 'Set Them Free' using the words 'Trees trees, save de trees oh-wo'.

This is essentially me taking the p1ss out of you.

Hope Trudie's well and still enjoying all the tantric stuff.

Kind regards,

Richard

beed84

Dear John Petrucci, Jordan Rudess, John Myung and James Labrie,

RE: Shit without Portnoy

Your fans think your work has been shit without Mike Portnoy.  Even Mike Mangini thinks Dream Theater are shit without Portnoy, he just doesn't say it.  I wouldn't be surprised if you all think you're shit without Portnoy.  And yes, you've guessed it, Portnoy probably thinks you're shit without Portnoy.

As a sad, grieving fan, I implore you not to be shit without Portnoy anymore.

Rock forever,

Sad grieving fan who thinks you're shit without Portnoy

axisus

Great fun thread! One of the best we've had.

That's it for me, I need to stop thinking about this stuff (boosted my LOL's by a surprising 65!), keep em coming though!

PolarityMan

beed84 said:

Dear John Petrucci, Jordan Rudess, John Myung and James Labrie,

RE: Shit 

Your fans think your work has been shit.  Even Mike Mangini thinks Dream Theater are shit, he just doesn't say it.  I wouldn't be surprised if you all think you're shit.  And yes, you've guessed it, Portnoy probably thinks you're shit.

As a sad, grieving fan, I implore you not to be shit anymore.

Rock at least once,

Sad grieving fan who thinks you're shit

Fixed that for you

thisisguitar

Gassage said:

chillidoggy said:

Dear Mr Holland,

May I cordially request that you desist from calling your tedious, annual, musicians-I've-never-heard-of-and-have-absolutely-no-interest-in-hearing-who-sound-shite-live-infested, I'd-rather-watch-the Test Card, television programme "Hootenanny", as years of experience demonstrates it never contains anything remotely worth watching, never mind celebrating.

Up yours, etc.

Chilli.

Dear J Holland

I can span an octave on a piano and I know you can't... and you know what they say about men with big hands and small hands, eh?

The Gass.

They make a great presenter for 'You've Been Framed'?

beed84

PolarityMan said:

beed84 said:

Dear John Petrucci, Jordan Rudess, John Myung and James Labrie,

RE: Shit 

Your fans think your work has been shit.  Even Mike Mangini thinks Dream Theater are shit, he just doesn't say it.  I wouldn't be surprised if you all think you're shit.  And yes, you've guessed it, Portnoy probably thinks you're shit.

As a sad, grieving fan, I implore you not to be shit anymore.

Rock at least once,

Sad grieving fan who thinks you're shit

Fixed that for you

Thanks.  You have done a good job.

randomhandclaps

thisisguitar said:

Gassage said:

chillidoggy said:

Dear Mr Holland,

May I cordially request that you desist from calling your tedious, annual, musicians-I've-never-heard-of-and-have-absolutely-no-interest-in-hearing-who-sound-shite-live-infested, I'd-rather-watch-the Test Card, television programme "Hootenanny", as years of experience demonstrates it never contains anything remotely worth watching, never mind celebrating.

Up yours, etc.

Chilli.

Dear J Holland

I can span an octave on a piano and I know you can't... and you know what they say about men with big hands and small hands, eh?

The Gass.

They make a great presenter for 'You've Been Framed'?

Hey, he had one big hand and the other was just.......far away or something.