Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

breakstuff

Dear John,

If you actually took the time to check you're facts you would discover that I had a large part in the development and manufacture of the Large Hadron Collider beneath the Franco - Swiss border and am currently head of CERN (that's the European Organisation for Nuclear Research,to you and me) and am not at all what you would consider a 'moron'.

Kindly refrain from smearing my good name by spreading vicious,untrue rumours about my sexuality.I can assure you I certainly am not a 'puff',something to which my good friend Barry will testify.

I'm sorry that she jilted you but Julie is better off without you,and while I'm at it,she is definitely NOT a 'slut'.

Yours Sincerely,

Gordon.

Iamnobody

Dear Mr Bonio

'Sunday Bloody Sunday'. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it?

You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think "Sunday, bloody Sunday!".

Yours

Alan Partridge

HAL9000

Dear Abba,

Perhaps you could bring them up in the mix?

Yours,

Fernando.

HAL9000

Dear XTC,

I have been variously employed as an army field commander, an architect, and a draftsman. I therefore believe I am quite capable of making my own plans.

Nigel.

beed84

Dear members of the board,

Are these mock letters supposed to be funny?

Morrissey

frankus

Dear John Mayer,

If there is such a thing as a quarter life crisis the cure is almost definitely a swift kick in the nuts.

frankus

Dear Sting,

Have you ever heard the phrase "quit while you're ahead"? I'm guessing no.

frankus

Dear Rex Harrison,

What you do is not singing, Sir.
In fact what you do is talk in time.
The only reason it's not poetry
and please don't have a go at me,
Is how predictably each line appears to rhyme

If you recite my note aloud
say it clear and rather loud
To the thumping of a marching brass band's feet
You'll be forced to tip your hat sir
to your better, William Shatner
even his syncopation is offbeat.

But I do owe my love of smoking jackets to you.

mart

Dear Mr Morrissey,

Phew. At bloody last. I've been waiting ages to get shot of you, you moany arse. Now I can replace you with someone who at least knows how to make Christmas cards.

Mr Shankley

Rox

Dear Mariah Carey,

I was most flattered to hear that all you wanted for Christmas was me.  With that in mind, I arranged to have myself delivered to you in a giant box on Christmas morning.

When I burst from said box, instead of being deilghted to see me, your personal security beat me senseless, the police were called, and I was thrown into jail.  Now I have received a copy of the restraining order, I can't help but feel you're sending out mixed messages.

Please advise.

Thanks,

Rox

xSkarloey

Dear Messers Def Leppard,

Certainly not.

It's a waste of a perfectly good foodstuff.

Besides, with the number of drowsy but hungry and therefore angry wasps about, even at this late season, do you really want to make yourself a sitting target.

By the way which one's Def?

Skarloey.

richardhomer

Dear Mr Dury,

Could you elaborate on what rendered you happy in parts one and two?

Thank you in anticipation...

littlegreenman

Dear Mr Zappa,

I suggest the band and road crew attend their nearest GU medicine clinic. They'll probably be able to answer the question and administer appropriate creams/ drugs/ antibiotics.

Yours,

Scrutinizer Central

joeyowen

Dear Miss Minaj,

My anaconda (grass snake ) wouldn't go near you with a barge pole if it was paid with a week in a barrel of lotion

That being said, I have a sweet tooth and some buns wouldn't go amiss.

From, 

The Male Gender

PS, your a talentless fuckwit who sounds like JayZ on speed, and I've seen more attractive objects in a bus crash.

'night all

randomhandclaps

Dear Phil Rudd,

Been trying to text you for days but heard nothing. Is this job still on?  Have gun, plastic sheeting and shovel and am ready to go whenever you say.

Yours

Mr X

Cacofonix

Dear Miss Beautiful South,

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

Regards.

Her fiancé

Bellycaster

Dear KLF

The Ancients of Mu Mu could have really done with that cash for a fleet of Ice Cream Vans.

You selfish Bastards!

Yours

Chief M'Boko

Bucket

Dear Morrissey,

We heard your song and were sorry to hear that you are feeling "miserable now" so soon after having found your job. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you settle in and to improve your life at work.

Yours,

Wellbeing Support Office, Koch-Ende Bank*

*made this bit up

Cacofonix

Dear Mr Waters,

Contrary to your assertion, I feel that your education could in fact do with some improvement.

By way of specific example, your statement should read: "We don't need any education"

Regards.

Chief Education officer.
Time Wanrer Education Services.

imalone

Dear Mr Cash,

Thank you for setting your position out so clearly. While we respect and even admire your determined stance, we feel it is does not properly reflect the corporate image we are hoping to project and must sadly terminate your sponsorship contract. Our advertising agents do advise us that Milk Tray may be interested in your services.

Yours,
Benetton, United Colors Of