Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

Hootsmon

Dear Ol' blue eyes

you're a plagiarisin' bastirt

Scooby-doo

richardhomer

Dear Ringo,

I can't imagine you see anything when you turn out the light....

Bellycaster

Dear Mr Stipe

What actually was the frquency? Did Ken ever tell you?

Skipped

Dear Paul McCartney,
You are not aware of this but....the other night I sneaked up to your home studio and watched you through the window. Although you were working alone you were recording with vintage Gibson and Epiphone guitars. And that got me thinking. Why are you playing your vintage guitars when nobody is watching you?
And then it hit me. Maybe you are playing those vintage guitars.....because those vintage guitars are completely f*cking awesome.
Thanks for listening and sorry about the language.

Skipped

Dear Celine Dion,
You have shit loads of money.
You are adored by fans across the world.
You have sold millions of albums.

So why the long face?

Skipped

Dear Elvis Presley,
I have now read pretty much all of the Biographies including the recent one written by Ginger Alden. It is now clear to me that you were not that bothered about penetrative sex and that your preference was to indulge in elaborate, varied and  prolonged foreplay which would keep you "on the edge" for many many hours.

What sort of bloke would want to go through that night after night??!!!

EricTheWeary

Dear Ms Boyle, this letter is to give you notice of my intention to pursue a civil case against you for personal injury. For the last two years when using Google images for what had been my favourite search term - 'anal bum party' - it has returned primarily images of yourself. This has now completely shattered my libido. My solicitor will be in contact with yours shortly. Eric.

breakstuff

Dear Paul Young,

Thanks to you're staggeringly irresponsible advice I've now been living on this park bench for the last thirty years.

And to top it of,would you believe some f**ker's now nicked my hat so I can't even move.

Thanks for nothing pal.

A.Tramp.

Hootsmon

richardhomer said:

Dear Ringo,

I can't imagine you see anything when you turn out the light....

he can't see by that kilo of nose

Cacofonix

Dear the specials.

Yes we are planning a bootleg LP.

Yours faithfully,

MI5

Cacofonix

Dear the Beat,

Thank you for your kind offer, but as a mirror, I can already watch myself eating.

Kind regards

The mirror

Cacofonix

Dear Ms Cher,

Yes, I do.  Please adjust your autotune.

Yours,

Gandalf E Jones
The jilted lovers' association

Cacofonix

Dear Mr Mercury,

We can only try.  Unfortunately you appear to be in the same situation as most of our members.  We can offer you a discount rate.

Yours

Gandalf E Jones
The jilted lovers' association.

mike_l

breakstuff said:

Dear Paul Young,

Thanks to you're staggeringly irresponsible advice I've now been living on this park bench for the last thirty years.

And to top it of,would you believe some f**ker's now nicked my hat so I can't even move.

Thanks for nothing pal.

A.Tramp.

If you look under the bench, the hat has fallen to the ground. And probably into a dog poo.

Mr P.Arkkeeper

Hootsmon

Dear singer with the Darkness

a bed has been made available tae you so we can try an op tae reattach yer bawls 

Dr testicools

imalone

Flink_Poyd said:

Where do you buy your booze from Mr Lynott? Only thing I ever find in jars is stuff like jam and pickles and I would like to know if the there's a difference in taste when a jar is used as opposed to a bottle. Is it like when you drink Coca Cola from a glass bottle instead of a can and it tastes better?
Cheers

Dear Mr Poyd,
The song you refer to is a traditional Irish one, and poteen has indeed often been stored in jars, we refer you to J M Synge's celebrated "The Playboy of the Western World" Act III, "giving him poteen from a stone jar she has brought in." A title coincidentally referred to by another Thin Lizzy song. You may be interested to know that "jar" is also used in Hiberno-English to refer to a pint of beer.
While we welcome correspondence, we politely request that you stop addressing it to Mr Lynott, as he has been deceased for a number of years and your repeated letters cause some distress.
Yours,
Keogh and Quinn, representing the estate of Phil Lynott.

P.S.
Which one is Flink?

imalone

Dear Miss Welch,

I regret to inform you that the drumming sound inside your head is highly likely to be tinnitus. Listening to church bells until leave they leave a ringing in your ears will certainly not help this condition and you should come in for a full assessment at the earliest opportunity.

Yours,
Dr McHine.

P.S.
At your next visit please avoid insinuating any of our staff are lying, they are working as hard as they can.

HAL9000

Dear Genesis, 

Isn't there anything you like in your own wardrobe? 

 Yours etc.

JAYJO

Dear Dept S
The Night may be Young,The mood maybe Mellow and
There maybe music in your ears!
But for fck sake! for the last time!  NO VICS NOT HERE!!!!
D. Beckham.

mike_l

Dear Bono,

Please walk to the end of the road, and look for a white plaque with black writing on it. That is the street name.

Cheers

The Street Naming Dept.