Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

breakstuff

Dear Axl,

I've been meaning to write to you for a while now.I was thinking that as we're now both older and wiser I think it could be time to bury the hatchet.Life's too short for petty squabbles.With this in mind I was wondering if you'd consider getting the original band back together.All the other guys are up for it including Steven and Izzy.
I've got loads of riffs written and have even started on some lyrics but I'm struggling to finish them off.
The song starts,

"Who ate all the pies?"

"Who ate all the pies?"

Looking forward to your input.

Regards Slash.

Longtallronnie

Dear Sir Mixalot

Me too.

Regards

LTR

xSkarloey

Dear Mr Kershaw,

Having heard your intention repeated in the chorus of one of your hits, our only advice would be for you to proceed as fast as possible towards the sun at the merest hint of it setting.

Of course we cannot vouch for the effects of travelling continually on the body, and suggest that sleep deprivation and motion sickness may result at some stage.

Yours,

Royal Astronomical Society;
Royal College of GPs;
Nookie Bear.

BigMonka

Dear Mr Stipe,

We are writing to revoke your season ticket to our zoo after your recent visit where you pushed one of the elephants upstairs into the restaurant and then pushed a piano over the balcony leaving it crashing behind you onto the floor.

Unfortunately the elephant was so distressed by the incident that we had to put it down and it wasn't easy to carry the dead body back down the stairs.

Please do not return to the zoo.

Yours,

London Zoo

BigMonka

Mr Dylan,

I enclose my invoice for the inpromptu performance I did for you the other night when you couldn't sleep.

Regards,

Mr Tam Bourineman

HAL9000

Dear Pete Doherty,

I was thinking of inviting you for dinner on boxing day but I understand that you're not that keen on cold turkey. Perhaps you'd prefer a different joint?

Drop me a line.

Yours etc.

imalone

BigMonka said:

Dear Mr Stipe,

We are writing to revoke your season ticket to our zoo after your recent visit where you pushed one of the elephants upstairs into the restaurant and then pushed a piano over the balcony leaving it crashing behind you onto the floor.

Unfortunately the elephant was so distressed by the incident that we had to put it down and it wasn't easy to carry the dead body back down the stairs.

Please do not return to the zoo.

Yours,

London Zoo

P.S. we are enclosing a bill from our catering company for a large number of bent and damaged spoons.

RocknRollDave

Dear Mr Weller,

I have been busking at various tube stations for some time now and cannot help but feel I'd have made more money with my acoustic renditions of Oasis tunes if you hadn't promised punters a fucking brass band that never materialised.

Thanks, prick.


B. Foxton.

Longtallronnie

Dear Mr Weller

Sorry about the other night, please find enclosed a bottle of proseco and a lamb bhuna (heated to optimum temperature).

May I also suggest that next time, you take a cab?

Best wishes

A. Mugger

Longtallronnie

Dear Mr Lee Lewis

A topical cream and a bag of ice should clear that right up.

Yours sincerely

NHS inDirect

RocknRollDave

Dear Mr Bolan,

Yes, yes, it's me, now is there any chance of you opening this frigging door and letting me in?!



Yours,

Metal Guru

Longtallronnie

Dear Mr Cobain

Thanks for the invitation but could you please clarify the dress code? Should I wear what I've got on now, what I was wearing earlier or an outfit of your choosing?

Yours etc

Longtallronnie

Dear Ian Brown

I have a phobia of acrostics, any suggestions?

Regards.....

 

Longtallronnie

And I'm spent.

not_the_dj

Dear Ms Bush,

No deal.

Regards.

God

BigMonka

Mr Davies,

You will soon be hearing from my solicitor after the libelous statements you made about my gender, I'm very sensitive about my voice being a bit low and I didn't think it needed pointing out to the thousands of people you've played the song to.

I withdraw my offer of taking you home with me as you've been nothing but rude.

Lola

not_the_dj

Dear Mr Bolan,

We have received a number of complaints regarding your activities within the lake area of the park on Sunday 12th.

May I remind you that the waterfowl are not there as amusement rides.

Regards,

Head Park Keeper and Wildlife Warden

Megii

Dear Mr. Richie,

Hello.

Whatever you may have imagined, you have never been alone with me, or indeed kissed my lips once, let alone a thousand times. I suppose it is possible I sometimes pass your door if you live nearby, but if you would provide an address I could confirm that.

You have already said hello, so surely no need to repeat the greeting? I am not at all sure what the "it" is that you can see in my eyes/smile, it would help if you could be more specific. As for your excessive declarations of affection (for example, I am apparently "all you have ever wanted") I regret to say I am unable to reciprocate any such feelings.

Just to address a few more issues - it is unlikely you will ever see the sunlight in my hair, as I try to avoid exposure to harmful UV radiation. Where I am, what I do, if I sometimes feel lonely etc. etc. , is all, to be frank, none of your business. Furthermore, I am not looking for you, or indeed (as your question erroneously implies) for anyone else. I have no intention of informing you as to any possible method of winning my affections, though I can well believe that you are without a clue, in general. You have, in my opinion, already said far too much prior to your declaration of love, so another factual error there, but again I would emphasise that I have no such feeling towards you whatsoever.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but I think it is best to be clear, and I hope we can consider this letter an end to the matter.

Yours Sincerely

Megii

mike_l

Dear Mr R Waters

Yes there is someone in here, I can hear, you and if you opened your eyes you'd see that I'm nodding.

Thanks

Mike

breakstuff

Dear Mr Hendrix,

Would you kindly refrain from continually kissing me.I don't like it.

Yours,

This Guy.