Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

lloyd

breakstuff said:

Dear Mr Hendrix,

Would you kindly refrain from continually kissing me.I don't like it.

Yours,

The Sky.

Edited for accuracy

EricTheWeary

Dear Mr Jackson,

Yes, she really is going out with him. Although I suspect that in some other regards your eyes do decieve you as there are generally few gorillas in British urban streets. Either a trip to Specsavers is in order or I am wrong in my assumption and an urgent call to the animal control department of your local council would seem to be required rather than sitting at the piano.

Yours hopefully,
Eric    

xSkarloey

lloyd said:

breakstuff said:

Dear Mr Hendrix,

Would you kindly refrain from continually kissing me.I don't like it.

Yours,

The Sky.

Edited for accuracy

Heathrow Airport Control Tower

August 5th 1967

Dear Mr Hendrix, 

It has come to our attention that it was you who chartered an open top biplane in the vicinity of our airport on Thursday last, which resulted in several incoming flights being diverted and numerous outgoing ones cancelled. 

To compound the oddness of the situation, police observers report that you were flying round while pursing your lips and blowing kisses in the general direction of up. 

Apologising for it is all very well, but try explaining it to several hundred irate passengers. 

You are a very silly man. 

Yours, 

Ray Darr, 

Heathrow Airport. 

breakstuff

Dear Mr Hendrix,

Can you save your kisses for me.

Regards Tony Hiller c/o Brotherhood of Man.

xSkarloey

Dear Mr Numan, 

I really wouldn't be so smug and sure about it if I were you. 

The last time I checked, the NCAP rating for a 1979 Morris Marina was half of one star. 

Yours, 

Skarloey Motor Insurance Services. 

xSkarloey

Dear Messrs Morrissey and Marr, 

The fuck I am. 

Yours, 

Elizabeth R. 

xSkarloey

Dear Messrs Moore and Lynott,

I had always wanted to visit Paris and your lovely ballad really whetted my appetite.

While the beaujolais wine and the Champs Elysee were as you described, I was disappointed that you didn't warn me about the hordes of American tourists, the overpriced and generally shitty food, the pisspoor standard of driving and above all the staggering number of dog turds festering on the pavements. I ruined two pairs of Hush Puppies.

Merde!

Skarloey.

frankus

 J3AHכIM ЯAЭɊ

!!TOIɊI UOY !!UOY M`I

ЯOЯЯIM ЭHT ИI ИAM ЭHT ЭVOJ

beed84

Dear Kirk Hammett,

I don't care how you stop, or how you're going to get over it, just stop using my fucking crybaby wah wah pedals. Like everyone else, I've had enough.

Jim Dunlop

not_the_dj

Dear Mr Gibbons, Hill and Beard,

Stop following me!

Jesus.

breakstuff

Dear Mrs Morissette,

I can't help but notice your piano playing would improve dramatically,and give you a far greater range if you simply removed one hand out of your pocket.

Not a criticism, just some sound advice.

Your good friend,

Les Dawson.

nanoman

Dear Mr Jackson,

I think that it is reasonably safe to assume, considering you've asked her like, a hundred times, that she is not OK.

Regards,

nano

HAL9000

Dear Boy George,

Since it seems to have slipped your memory, let me remind you...

The first rule of Culture Club is: You do not talk about Culture Club 

The second rule of Culture Club is: You DO NOT talk about Culture Club!

 Yours etc.

Hootsmon

Dear Muhammad Ali

you're in the wrong thread

thisisguitar

Dear Mr Ice,

Due to the untimely death of Mr Bruce, we are writing to inform you that the plans for a Vanilla Ice Cream tour have been put on ice.

Yours

Mr Walls

Megii

Dear Mr Richie,

Hello again. Re your not having a clue how to win my heart - on second thoughts, you could try buying me a new PRS Hollowbody II in Black Gold Burst, hint hint. Or failing that a bunch of flowers and a box of Milk Tray perhaps.

Regards,

Megi

Hootsmon

hootsmon said:

Dear Muhammad Ali

you're in the wrong thread

Dear Richard Fairbrass

you're in the wrong Fred too

xSkarloey

thisisguitar;409520" said:

Dear Mr Ice,

Due to the untimely death of Mr Bruce, we are writing to inform you that the plans for a Vanilla Ice Cream tour have been put on ice.

YoursMr Walls

...but luckily Jim Diamond and Ruby Turner are very much alive and singing and ready for bookings, so the Vanilla Ice Gems tour is on if you want.

Whaddya say?

Gerald Ratner.

xSkarloey

Dear Cher,

While you may think it shows admirable community spirit that every night everyone gathers round to lay their money down, this sounds like simple minded socialism to us.

Besides, your sort are simply not welcome around here.

Begone.

Up Yours,

The Conservative Party.

breakstuff

Dear Bruce Dickinson,

I'm just writing to enquire as to why you never come to my hometown on any of your numerous world tours.

Just imagine the scene.The curtains go up and you're there on stage in front if 1000 adoring fans and their wives and girlfriends.Adrian strikes the opening chords of The Wicker Man and starts riffing away furiously.Dave,with his adorable,little round face then joins in creating that glorious twin guitar attack.Harry bounds onto the stage like a hyperactive teenager and Janicks going bonkers belying his advancing years but not really doing much else.Nicko's just being Nicko.

There's not an egg in site.

Then the moment arrives.You finally get to shout the immortal line,

"Sceam for me Grimsby Auditorium!"

"SCREAM FOR ME GRIMSBY AUDITORIUM!!!!!!"

Now tell me you don't want that.

No? Oh well your loss pal.

Yours,a disgruntled breakstuff.