Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

RocknRollDave

Dear B*Witched

Charming! F#ck YOU!

John Kettley

breakstuff

Dear Mr Sambora,

Instead of moaning about being a stranger in a strange town wouldn't it be more appropriate to use your vast wealth to just move away from Norwich.

Yours Pete O'phile.

Mayor of Ipswich.

EricTheWeary

RocknRollDave said:

Dear B*Witched

Charming! F#ck YOU!

John Kettley

is a weatherman and so is Michael Fish. Although only one of them went to Coventry Polytechnic.

Gassage

Dear TheFretboarders,

I wish I hadn't started this fucking thread now as my notifications are boring me.

Yours in abject apology,

The Gass.

holnrew

Dear The Spice Girls,

I fucked all your friends, now can I be your lover?

xSkarloey

Dear Gassage and Van Morrison,

It's true: it really is too late to stop now.

Here's to 20 pages of this stuff. I love it.

Cacofonix

Dear Mr McLean,

I have read your letter of complaint about the termination of your visits to the "good old boys" old folks' home, but having investigated the situation I am advised that amongst other things:
1. you had been smuggling in bottles of Whisky and Rye;
2. you had been telling morbid tales of your friend, Miss Pie, and the profound effect the cracked levee walls, and the failure of the record player at "sacred Music" had upon you;
3. you had invented scurrilous tales about one "Jack Flash", which were really not appropriate for an audience of geriatrics, no matter how angry you were about the damage to your antique candelabrum.

I am told that these visits therefore led to severe bouts of depression amongst the inmates, who had convinced themselves of their own imminent demise.

With that in context, perhaps it is better that you have gone to the seaside for a while, as we do not think you should carry out any more visits, even though the inmates do miss your singing.

Kind regards
Jamie E Dwight III
CEO,
Good Old Boys Retirement Villages inc.

Cacofonix

Dear Cliff,

As you know, I have used up all my holiday allocation for this year, and therefore I do feel that your gloating about your two weeks in Lanzarote is in somewhat poor taste.

Thanks mate.

Bob.

p.s. I think it was you who took my stapler.  Can I have it back please? 

p.p.s. I know it's mine because I put a spot of Tippex on it where only I would know.

Cacofonix

Dear Miss Blondie,

I must admit that I am finding it quite disconcerting having you driving past my house and calling me at odd hours of the day and night.

It is also somewhat odd that you do not use your house telephone to call me, as the payphone is quite expensive.

Please control yourself.

Jeff

Gassage

Dear Oliver,

Recent Budgetary Policies: Regimental Cutbacks.

We write further to the above mentioned issues and regretfully advise, due to financial constraints out of our control, your Army is no longer here to stay and will be disbanded forthwith.

Regretfully yours,

Ministry of Defence.

Cacofonix

Dear Ms Turner,

Thank you for your heartfelt comments.  However, although you obviously feel strongly on the point, the continued success of our films, which regularly feature new heroes, would seem to imply that you do not speak for everybody, contrary to what you seem to be asserting.

p.s.  I do not know this "Thunderdome" to which you refer.  Is that the Toronto Music Studio?  I understand they have made some good records there but I have not been myself.

Yours sincerely,

Stanley
Chief Artist
Mavrel Entertainment/Time Wanrer

breakstuff

Master Fred Durst,

If I've told you once,I've told you a million times.
Will you go tidy your room.I'll not tell you again.

Your Mum.

breakstuff

Dear Justin Bieber,

Take no notice of all the haters,it turns out Anne Frank actually is a belieber.

Yours forever,

Doris Stokes.

breakstuff

Dear Tiffany,

I thought you said we were alone.

I would never have gone to Centre Parcs if I knew your Grandma was watching.

Yours A.Pervert.

holnrew

breakstuff said:

Dear Mr Hendrix,

Can you save your kisses for me.

Regards Tony Hiller c/o Brotherhood of Man.

Dear Tony Hiller c/o Brotherhood of Man.

I'm afraid that along with my extra time, I have reserved my kiss for Prince.

Yours, Jimi x 

(ok you can have that one)

paulnb57

Mr Morrison

I am quite frankly sick of your heating woes. Leave me alone, I'm not your baby, light your own fucking fire…...

paulnb57

To whom it may concern

I write to inform you that Mr Tommy is now unable to play a mean pinball.

In its austerity cuts the Government have reduced Mr Tommy's disability benefits, as it was considered inappropriate to spend said benefits in any amusement hall………

Regards etc

richardhomer

Dear Mr John,

We must warn you that sitting on your roof is highly dangerous, even if you do need to remove moss from it.

Given your vast wealth, we recommend engaging the services of a suitable contractor.

Yours sincerely,

The Health and Safety Executive

Hootsmon

^ talkin' about roofs....

Dear Mr Hull

send Emu up tae fix the aerial

richardhomer

hootsmon;411812" said:

^ talkin' about roofs....Dear Mr Hull send Emu up tae fix the aerial

Yours sincerely,

Michael Parkinson.