Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

HAL9000

Dear Jerry Garcia,

Not so grateful now, huh?

Yours etc.

Hootsmon

dear Leonard Cohen

cheer the fuck up

Gassage

Dear Gemma Collins,

Get the fuck out of our jungle you fat slob.

Last time I saw a face like yours, Frankie Dettori was sitting behind it.

Nevertheless, my regards remain,

Gassage.

Cacofonix

Dear Jona Lewie
Once the cavalry is loosed, that's it, I'm afraid.

Major Russell Russell
15th Royal Hussars

Hootsmon

Dear Barry Manilow

you look like the end of my cock ( after it has been soaked in Witch Hazel )   with a wig on...........

*swoon*

siremoon

Dear Mr Valli

All fine except you don't sing like a man

Yours etc

frankus

hootsmon said:

Dear Barry Manilow

you look like the end of my cock ( after it has been soaked in Witch Hazel )   with a wig on...........

*swoon*

Oh hootsmon ... you came and you gave without taking...

HAL9000

Dear Brian May,

Doesn't having a PhD in astrophysics make you too clever by eiπ/(cos(π)-sin(π/2)) to be in a band?

 

Yours etc

HAL9000

Dear Gareth Malone,

I enclose 24 sheets of paper. Perhaps you could use them to form a quire. 

 Yours etc.

Cacofonix

Dear Mr Felder,

I must say your marketing was totally misleading.

My stay at the Hotel California was an abysmal failure.

The lights failed just as I got there, I could hardly park in the ridiculously small car park, due to a blinged out mercedes parked most inconsiderately, there were a load of sweaty labourers in the courtyard prancing about like buffoons and the beef was so rare as to be almost alive, and so tough I could hardly cut it, even with a steak knife.

To top it all, they had run out of wine, and when I decided to go into town for a bottle, the porter wouldn't even let me out!

Disgusting excuse for a hotel.  I shan't be back.

daveww

..... are you saying his mind is tiffany twisted or does he just have the Mercedes bends?

Cacofonix

daveww said:

..... are you say his mind is tiffany twisted or does he just have the Mercedes bends?

He'd be all right if it wasn't for his mates.  They lead him on.

Hootsmon

Elvis

try some prunes

Travisthedog

Dear Mr Astbury Despite me upping my original from 5 to 10 pounds, she still wouldn't sell me any sanctuary Can you advise if there is anyone else who can supply me with this Thanks Mr T thedog

imalone

Dear Mr Adams,

We realise it was the summer of '69, but we are specifically interested in where you were on the evening of 12th July that year between 8 and 10pm.

Ryan is already cooperating with us.

siremoon

Dear Mr Dolenz

Regarding your recent booking.  I regret to advise you that owing to engineering work the last train is cancelled and a substitute bus service is in operation.  We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.

Yours etc

Tennessee Railroad Authority

HAL9000

Dear Chris Rea,

Rather than banging on about Christmas traffic, just set off a bit sooner this year 

 Yours etc

Alnico

Dear Mr Gassage

Since beginning this ,quite frankly Epic thread, we havn't heard an evidence of your Easy Chair Rocking.

To be honest we are becoming quite concerned about your mental health.

Could you contact us at your earliest opportunity,

Many thanks

'The Wheels of Despair'

chillidoggy

Dear Mariah,

Yes, yes, I know, I've got the message God knows how many times over the last week, in every shop I visit, be that B&Q, Sainbury's or Lidl, and frankly, it's getting a bit tedious. Listen up bitch, because you'd need to get it into your head that there's absolutely no way I'm leaving my wife of 34 years (especially at this festive time of year), and in any case she's not impressed by your constant demands for me to do so, either.

Quite what a fit piece of well-rounded crumpet like you is doing pestering a fat, bald old, no-hope, wannabee rock star for sexual favours is beyond my comprehension. In this case, may I suggest the best Christmas present you could wish for is a new pair of specs.

Yours etc,

Chilli.

Cacofonix

Dear the Proclaimers,

Having a great time here in the States.  Beats Lewis in winter any old day.  Must dash, my train is about to leave.


All the best,

Juan Hugo.*

*you might want to think about this bit.