Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

Gassage

Dear Random Blues Artist,

Try looking under the bed where you left them last night, you bell end.

Cheers
Gassage.

Flink_Poyd

Where do you buy your booze from Mr Lynott? Only thing I ever find in jars is stuff like jam and pickles and I would like to know if the there's a difference in taste when a jar is used as opposed to a bottle. Is it like when you drink Coca Cola from a glass bottle instead of a can and it tastes better?
Cheers

fretfinder

Dear Mr Healy

No, I don't know why it always rains on you and what's more I don't care either. 

Yours drily

F Finder

xSkarloey

Dept of War, 

US Government, 

Washington DC

Dear Boney M, 

Thank you for your recent enquiry regarding installing a seating area by the rivers of Babylon. 

In view of the current security situation we do not recommend this area for the installation of a recreation facility. 

Furthermore we do not advise anyone in this vicinity to discuss topics so sensitive as "zion" in public.

In case of query kindly direct further letters to this week's Iraqi Government. 

Yours sincerely, 

John Kerry (Mrs.) 

Gassage

richardhomer said:

Dear Mr Jagger,

I'm finding the constant presence of your thumb positively oppressive and must ask that you cease and desist forthwith.

Copied to Kevin Godley and Lol Creme for information purposes and a potential class action.

Gassage Legal Services LLP.

Iamnobody

Dear Mr Jagger

With reference to your inability to be satisfied - have you tried asking her to tickle your balls at the same time?

Failing that you could always ask her to give you a jolly good thumbing.

Yours

Mr R. Eacharound

fretfinder

Dear Mr Adams

No I will not look into your eyes, search your heart or your soul. I will also not take you as you are, or your life. And if I want to tell you it's not worth fighting for, not worth trying for and not worth dying for, I will do just that.

Regards 

Marian

xSkarloey

Dear Liverpool FC, 

With regard to the reissue of the "Anfield Rap", do you think this time around we should re-insert the silent 'c' in the title? 

Good luck (you need it), 

Jim D'eafaid, 

K-Tel Records. 

breakstuff

Dear Mr Jovi,

So you're a cowboy are you?

Are you,are you really?

You're an arse.

Regards R.Sambora.

richardhomer

Dear Mr Lennon,

Thank you for your request for assistance.

We will endeavour to get somebody (and if at all possible, not just anybody) there within the hour.

Please be reassured that as one ages that often more assistance is required.

breakstuff

Dear Mr Bono,

Try looking down the back of the sofa.I think it's there.

Cheers Dave.

Gassage

Dear Massed Crowd of Twickenham, especially those wearing Barbour coats,

If you don't know the second fucking verse and the risque hand gestures to the song, kindly fuck off out of my stadium.

Yours,
Gassage

noisepolluter

Dear Mr Zimmerman,

forty-two.

Yours metaphysically,

Noisepolluter

richardhomer

noisepolluter;406308" said:

Dear Mr Zimmerman,

forty-two.

Yours metaphysically,

Noisepolluter

And while you're at it - don't forget to put the clocks back....

Gassage

Dear Noddy Holder,

No, I had enough of the cunts last year, there's not enough chairs and I can't be bothered to cook so I've booked a table for 12 at the Beefeater

Their set menu looks good value.

Seasonal Greetings,
Gassage.

breakstuff

Dear Leslie West,

As you know,I'm a gay man from Jackson.I was expecting our little encounter to remain private,only for you to go write a song all about it which still haunts me to this day.I had not yet come out of the closet yet you chose to expose me in such a public manner.

I hope your other leg falls off.

Regards C.Badger.

digitalscream

Moved to OT.

imalone

Dear Mr Fowler,

Our investigation has determined that the river recently ran red due to an algal bloom caused by offspill of fertilisers from farmland. Such blooms are toxic and we would caution the public to stay away from the water. Green blooms and water weed can also occur under such conditions, however our enforcement team is working hard to identify the source of the pollution and we hope the river will not be running green in the near future.

Yours,
West Midlands Waterways, Canals and Rivers Trust.

noisepolluter

Dear Ms Denny,

Technically speaking, the time cannot be said to 'go' anywhere: as it is an intrinsic part of the fabric of the universe, it is omnipresent in an indefinite continued sequence of events and therefore can exist only in the instantaneous present, although it is interesting to note that it has recently been shown that the subjective experience of this phenomenon can be different when travelling at very high velocities or in the vicinity of super-massive objects.  

Bioelectrical processes in some more complex living organisms create stimuli corresponding to sensations of previous events via a process known as 'memory', giving the illusion that these past events still in some way exist. Our understanding of these processes is still largely in its infancy. 

I trust that this answers your question.

Yours etc.

fretfinder

Dear Mr Fish

Who'd have thought it possible to build an entire career out of a mid-70s era Genesis tribute act?

No, me neither.

By the way, your supper's ready.

Regards 

Fred Finder