Write an open letter of clarification to an artist of your choosing.

randomhandclaps

Dear Rockwell,

Who's watching you now eh?  Nobody, that's who.  Happy now?!

Yours

RHC

Flink_Poyd

Dear Mr Billie Joe Armstrong.
If you don't want to be an American Idiot why do you come across as a bit of a twat, live in America, play crappy punk pop and still wear make up?
I anticipate your honest reply.
Mr Poyd

axisus

Dear mr Albarn

We apologise for misspelling the title of your single on the packaging.  C*** Tree house seemed logical at the time.

Acme printing company

Gassage

Dear Mr Buggles,

I await your revised views on the ongoing influence of newly discovered forms of streaming media and music on the internet and its affect on the health and well-being of modern performing artists.

Many thanks
Gass.

RocknRollDave

Dear Mr Morrissey,

In response to your recent misgivings, please rest assured that all Zanussi fridges feature a latch that extinguishes the internal bulb upon closing of the door, thus saving energy and prolonging the life of the bulb itself.
If you have any further concerns regarding your Zanussi appliances, you will find a full list of authorised service engineers in your area on our website.
Yours,
A.Pliance (BSc)

xSkarloey

Dear Mr Richie,

As the father of three children under the age of ten, a helper with my son's football team, an avid car booter, and a householder with two large lawns to mow and flower beds to weed in the spring, summer and autumn months, I assure you that Sunday mornings are anything but 'easy'.

Yours,

Jim Skarloey (Miss).

Gassage

Dear N Finn

Addendum: Without Prejudice-Save as to costs.

Actually, after reconsidering my position, I can't wait for it to Be Over as it's likely to be a manshaming, prison style.

Yours humbly,
Gassage.

Babones

Dear Cocteau Twins

H¢∞•9   a@‘‘÷≥≤¬¬¬¬ ©¥˙˙ ƒ∂å˙∆˚©ƒœ^ø   µΩ∫~√ç≈©˙¥†ß¬…≠–.

Sincerely,

Babones

xSkarloey

Dear Mr Presley,

Bollocks! How wrong can you be?!

I never shed a tear at anything except my inability to catch small furry mammals. Indeed, I consider myself to be a cold-hearted and efficient hunting dog.

Kindly amend your lyrics.

A. Hound-Dog (Mrs.)

daveww

Dear Boy Goeorge and Culture Club,

Yes, we really do want to hurt you..

Dave

daveww

Dear Basement Jaxx

Are you blind?  Same place as yours.  It's on top of my neck.

Dave

xSkarloey

Clarksdale, Mississipi, October 31, 1936

Dear Mr Johnson,

Thank you for your recent report of a large black canine dogging your every step in the vicinity of the local unnamed crossroads outside town, just past the junction of Satan Road and Beelzebub Avenue. 

After exhaustive enquiries we can confirm that the dog was a poodle named Millie belonging to Mrs Monroe who lives above the local hairdressers. 

Furthermore, we can confirm that tests on the whiskey you said you had drunk that night at Fat Bob's juke joint show that it had a larger than average proportion of anti-freeze and bleach added to it on this occasion. 

We have warned Fat Bob as to his future conduct. Meanwhile, might we suggest that you play more and drink less? 

Yours, 

Clarksdale police. 

 

breakstuff

Dear Mr C Richard,

Due to my impending redundancy and huge court settlement to my ex wife I have had to cancel my upcoming vacation to Torremolinos.

So stop gloating,you insensitive twat.

RocknRollDave

Dear Mr Kravitz

Doubtful, so unless you need a lift somewhere off the M42 or M5 between Meriden and Smethwick I'm afraid you'll need to make your own travel arrangements.
Yours, Dave

xSkarloey

Dear Mr Johnson, 

It's all very well saying "I believe I'll dust my broom", but as any schoolboy knows, you use a broom to dust (or more accurately to sweep). You do not 'dust a broom'. 

Should you persist in wishing so fervently to clean your broom, might I suggest not a duster but either knocking the sides gently on the floor to dislodge loose dust, hairs and so on, or if you really must go further then immersing it briefly in water then allowing to dry. 

Yours, 

Johnson and Johnson (Mr and Mrs). 

xSkarloey

Dear Mr Johnson, 

Thanks for your recent heartfelt letter where you outline concerns over "rambling on my mind". 

While it is unfortunate that some of our members insist of tramping all over your brain in large walking boots, we are afraid that we are unable to regulate the conduct of our individual members. 

Have you tried referring the matter  to the Clarksdale Police Department? 

Yours in regret, 

The ramblers Association. 

DannyP

Dear Mr Adams,

What did you get?

Where did you get it?

What did you then proceed to do?

In what season/year did these events occur?

Many thanks,

Danny

DannyP

Dear Mr Adams,

With reference to my above inquiry, it would appear these questions have already been answered to my satisfaction.

Apologies for any inconvenience,

Danny

richardhomer

Dear Mr Jagger,

I'm finding the constant presence of your thumb positively oppressive and must ask that you cease and desist forthwith.

guitarfishbay

Dear Lionel Richie, 

No.