Luck needed please

scrumhalf

Sorry to hear this, thinking of you.

Emp_Fab

I've never felt grief like this.  One second I'm hanging in there and the next I'm wailing uncontrollably.  She only went in with stomach pains and I wasn't happy with the treatment she was, or rather wasn't, getting.  They said her aneurysm wasn't in any danger the previous day, then I get told she'd fallen and that very quickly changed to she'd collapsed and that it had ruptured.  I suspect that maybe she'd fallen out of bed because they weren't attentive enough and this may have caused the rupture.

Subsequently, the graft clotted - Why??  ... And they had to open her up again etc.  I'm smelling multiple mistakes and that my mum need not have died.  It wasn't her time.  She was the fittest 85yr old I know.

She was taken from us too early.

I'm not sure what to do about my suspicions or whether it's even worth pursuing as if they've messed up they will do everything they can to hide it, and I'm just one bloke.  In any case, nothing will bring her back, mistakes or not, and that's all that matters.  I'm not remotely interested in a medical malpractice suit or money.  I just want mum back and nothing in heaven or earth can do that.

I miss my mum so much.

thumpingrug

Sad news.  Thinking of you.

TTony

Emp_Fab said:

I'm not sure what to do about my suspicions or whether it's even worth pursuing 

This is so easy to say from this distance ...


Don't pursue it.  That way lies a load of aggravation, stress and anger - all of which will ultimately be futile and none of which you need in your life right now.  It might feel good to be "doing something" to distract you from the immediate grieving, but that's only a postponement and only bottles it up (and the grief emotions will look for another outlet).  Anger & blame are no substitute for grieving and remembering.  Things aren't always someone's fault, sometimes things just are.

Better to accept what's happened, accept that it can't be changed, grieve fully and properly now, and have your memories of her be happy ones.  


... but that's a whole lot easier to say from where I'm sitting.




Emp_Fab said:

I miss my mum so much.

You always will, you'll always remember her.  The passing of time doesn't change any of that, but it does dull the pain slowly.

richardhomer

Emp_Fab said:

Subsequently, the graft clotted - Why??  ... And they had to open her up again etc.  I'm smelling multiple mistakes and that my mum need not have died.  It wasn't her time.  She was the fittest 85yr old I know.

She was taken from us too early.

I'm not sure what to do about my suspicions or whether it's even worth pursuing as if they've messed up they will do everything they can to hide it, and I'm just one bloke.  In any case, nothing will bring her back, mistakes or not, and that's all that matters.  I'm not remotely interested in a medical malpractice suit or money.

Emp - I get your anger and perhaps this is the wrong time for me to post this - but as I said earlier, my father died of the same thing.

It may well be that surgical techniques have improved since he died (it was in 1983) - but the surgery was considered to be his only shot at survival - with poor odds. He suffered clots and subsequently had a leg amputated. A few days later, they had to take the other one off. After three massive operations, he died about three weeks after he was first admitted. In my heart I started to grieve him as soon as he went in - something told me he wouldn't survive.

He was only 69 - I was 19. Like I said, it was a terrible shock.

I have no doubt in his case that the medics fought valiantly to save him - I'm sure they did with your mum - unfortunately some conditions are just too severe....

Grunfeld

Sorry to hear your news Emp.

jonnybradford

My condolences. So sorry to hear that. Hang in there mate

TheBlueWolf

Awww Fuck

My sympathies @Emp_Fab I'm really sorry for your loss.

boogieman

Aww man. Sorry to hear the news Emp. 

octatonic

My sympathies, mate.

grungebob

Sorry to hear that, I lost my dad last Sunday and it's really hard I miss him already . Do your best that's all anyone can ask. Thoughts are with you. 

bingefeller

sorry to hear the bad news.  my sympathies.  

Emp_Fab

@grungebob I'm sorry mate.  Life is shit sometimes isn't it.  I hope your pain will ease as soon as possible.  Losing anyone is the most horrible blow life can deal you.  In circumstances like ours you try to seek out positives from the ocean of despair and I've been trying to ease my grief with little things like the average life expectancy in the UK is 83 point something, and my mum therefore lived longer than most people do.  Also, my niece buried her friend last week - she was 27 with two young kiddies.  The chap who arrived in A&E immediately after my mum on Saturday was 22 and died on the table of a cardiac arrest.  My wife's friend's husband got knocked off his pushbike a few years back and hit his head - he has been a paraplegic ever since and now she has developed brain tumours.  So, to reach 85 and have a happy family with two grandchildren and two doting great-grandchildren, to go pretty quickly without a long drawn-out illness, being put in a home (her greatest fear) or losing her marbles, is a pretty good result in comparison to what shit gets dealt out to some folk.

That's what I'm trying to cling to for comfort.  It could have been so much worse.

I'm taking the rest of today and tomorrow to try to calm my mind and get a lid on the worst of the crying.  There is a shitload of stuff to sort out, but that can wait for the moment.  I'm dreading it, but for today and tomorrow, I'm trying to put it in a mental filing cabinet and close the door on it.  

Strangely, I decided to phone a counsellor I used to see for anxiety a couple of years ago, to ask if he did bereavement counselling.  It turns out that he's in Germany having had to fly back there (he's German) as his mum passed away on Wednesday.  We had a nice chat and agreed it was probably best if I contacted one of his colleagues instead as we'd both just end up crying to each other, which wouldn't be particularly beneficial for either of us.

grungebob

@Emp_Fab yes mate you must cling to the positives. Like you I've put it all into a mental safe for the time being as like you said there is so much to sort out and you need to keep your wits about you to get it all right. I was doing quite well until having to sort out the funeral chaps today but I'm off for some pints tonight with friends to distract me. 

I hope you can focus on the positives, like you said your mum had a good innings and went pain free, my dad was 72 and it does feel like it's 10years too soon. We knew it was coming with my dad, he was diagnosed with osophegus cancer so unfortunately I've seen him shrink away to nothing as he ended up unable to eat.  I'm told it gets better and I believe it, my mum is holding up like a trooper I don't know how she does it. 
Take care and move on as quickly as possible they'd hate to think of us wallowing or being unhappy I'm sure. 

Blaendulais

condolences

Wazmeister

@grungebob and @Emp_Fab ;

In my thoughts guys... Have a big Waz Hug, and it'll be a special one.

rlw

It's shit when you lose someone so close and in circumstances like that, probably more shit than it needs to be.
I lost my mum to a DVT which the hospital denied was there but which her GP had diagnosed and sent her to the hospital in the first place.

It takes time but it does get better.  You might not even want to feel better now, but you will.  You never ever get over the loss though.

Good luck for now and do take on board all the kind thoughts being expressed here.  Your mum would be proud of you.

paul_xt

Incredibly sad to hear @Emp_Fab, my thoughts are with you and the rest of the family. Straight man love x

littlegreenman

So very sorry Emp. It doesn't matter at what age, or how we lose our Mums, it's an absolute life changer.

She was your Mum, and there's no closer bond in life. It's a hard one to deal with for sure, but somehow we do. I was totally in bits when I lost mine to the big C a few years ago, and the support I got from some of the members of this fine forum was a source of great comfort. Especially during the dealing with funeral stuff, and the other mundane bits you have to deal with.

I still have days when I forget and think I must tell me Mum about something or other, and then remember. And no more Sunday lunches occasionally gets me down something chronic.

My only advice is to just let yourself feel however you want to. Grief takes many forms and there's no right or wrong way, the first day I got the most pissed I've ever been (not a good long term strategy). You will get used to what's happened but you'll never get over it, and that's how you know that you are her son and loved her.

You can be quite the annoying sod on here Emp, and your procrastination would win medals if it was an Olympic sport, but you've always come across as a decent sort of a bloke, and that is in no small part to do with the woman who raised you. So Mrs Mum-of-Emp did good in her time here on Earth, try and take some comfort from that.

Nitefly

Oh, Emp, I'm so sorry to hear that.  Nothing I can really add to what LGM said above, there is much wisdom there.