Luck needed please

digitalscream

Damn, man...I've only just seen this.

Don't try to get a lid on it. It'll never work, and you're just bottling up stuff that's going to come back later. While now's not the time for making decisions, it's also not the time for thinking logically or being pragmatic.

Just do us a favour...don't do anything in your grief that's going to put your health at risk.

Emp_Fab

No need to worry Lee,  I did have a brief moment o contemplating jumping out of the relatives room window, but the only danger to my health is half a bott;e of brandy ten Richmond menthol .  And looking like a twat in a bacofoil coat in the garden a whatever time it is now

ToneControl

I can empathise
I had a similar experience, but over several months with my Mom having strokes,  and shrinking to a skeleton
The "lost parents club" is one most of us have to join, the exceptions being when a parent has to join the "lost children club", which is the worst thing I can imagine.

Have a  read of the natural stages  of grief. I did a search, there are 4,5, 7 depending on who you ask
here's one  site:  http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
My point is that you should acknowledge that you are in one of the  stages that most people  experience, and that  you will move on to the later  stages. Don't lose heart -  keep reminding yourself that grief is natural

digitalscream

Emp_Fab said:

No need to worry Lee,  I did have a brief moment o contemplating jumping out of the relatives room window, but the only danger to my health is half a bott;e of brandy ten Richmond menthol .  And looking like a twat in a bacofoil coat in the garden a whatever time it is now

That's kind of what I meant, dude

Although the whole Roast Emp outfit does paint a weird picture in my mind.

Emp_Fab

I won't lie... I've been looking at the washing line and thinking I could dangle myself from there, but having seen the sheer, awful, raw grief of my immediate family this morning, I could never do anything that could hurt any of them further.  They've suffered enough already,  I could never do anything that would inflict any more pain on them than they have already suffered.

is it normal to fall to bits like this over a death ? or is there something wrong with me ?

digitalscream

Emp_Fab said:

I won't lie... I've been looking at the washing line and thinking I could dangle myself from there, but having seen the sheer, awful, raw grief of my immediate family this morning, I could never do anything that could hurt any of them further.  They've suffered enough already,  I could never do anything that would inflict any more pain on them than they have already suffered.

is it normal to fall to bits like this over a death ? or is there something wrong with me ?

Perfectly normal, especially at this stage. This is somebody you've known your entire life, mate. It's going to suck, and it's going to take a long time to recover...the thing is, you won't "get over it" the way people often say. Gradually, though, you'll find yourself remembering the good stuff instead of the last few days. You probably won't even notice yourself doing it, but it's the healthiest way to move forward.

Emp_Fab

I just woke up - in the bath, full of lukewarm water.  I must have been in there for a couple of hours.  I remember sitting under the shower but nothing else.  That helps..sitting under a mega hot shower.   I'll try to sleep now.  I've been fighting going to sleep because I know that as I wake tomorrow, it will hit me like a train.

Emp_Fab

Well, that was a short night's sleep.  

TTony

Emp_Fab said:

Well, that was a short night's sleep.  

Sleep will come at odd times through the next few days.  Just let it happen when it wants to.

Sambostar

So sad to hear about your mum, but so good to hear you were about when all this was going on and helping her out.

Life and death and health is completely random and exponential.

Honestly I think you are one of the few who are a rock on here and wear your heart and opinions on your sleeve and are one of the most plain speaking people on here.  She'd be proud you turned out so well.

You're always welcome to come down and get pissed up at our local.  After about 10pm, it's basically a drink fuelled communal male therapy session.  Everyone has either lost their wife, partner or mum and no one can really come to terms with it or much has anyone else, other than each other,  so don't be too hard on yourself, you have too much to give to others for starters.  Hopefully you can get out eventually and realise who you really are to other people in spirit because it's pretty evident that even without the brandy and bacofoil you have a massive spirit and energy that does rub off on people in a good way.  Isn't that basically the point of life?  It sounds mean, but it's a good thing you were so close but it does make grief all the harder, I think there is some life reasoning in there somewhere, but it all sounds completely normal to me, what ever normal is.

xx

Emp_Fab

I've managed to get through most of today in a calm state, but I had a few tears whilst walking the dog earlier.  When I got back, it turned into a torrent and my legs buckled beneath me.  I flipped into child and ended up sitting under the shower, howling.  I've been in bed since.  I managed to get hold of the woman in the next bed to mum on the ward that she'd made friends with (she went home before all of this kicked off) to tell her, and she went off on this rant about how useless the nurses were and how mum's buzzer was never next to her and she wouldn't be surprised if mum had wanted to go to the loo, was ignored by the nurses (or couldn't get to her buzzer) and had tried to get out of bed herself and fallen, thus causing the aneurysm to rupture...
I was in bits at her imagined scenario involving neglect of mum etc and I had to tell her to stop.  Now, I'm obsessing on the idea that it was neglect that started this ball rolling and that if she'd been properly cared for, her aneurysm wouldn't have ruptured, she wouldn't have needed the op and she would still be here with me.  According to the internet, aneurysms of mum's size (4.8cm) have a 0.5 to 1.5% chance of rupture annually, so it should have been very very unlikely to do so, but it did.  So why?  Maybe this woman's scenario was true ?  I did get a feeling that they weren't telling me everything when we went up there initially, one nurse mentioned a fall then the other quickly added that she collapsed rather than fell...  Maybe there was a sequence of mistakes that ended up taking mum from us unnecessarily?  Mum had to use bedpans as she couldn't walk safely, so how the hell was a fall, or collapse even possible ?

I thought about going to the ward to ask the other patients in her room what happened, but then collapsed into tears.

The trouble is... Do I really want to know?  Whatever the sequence of events, whatever the level of neglect or not, nothing will being mum back to me.  I suppose that hearing from the other patients that she didn't fall, that she was well cared for etc would bring some comfort, BUT I can't be sure that is what they might say, and if they tell a tale of mum being ignored and falling, trying to get to the loo, I'll be crucified, and I still won't get her back.

What do I do ?

joeyowen

Emp, I'm really really sorry to say this as I know reading it will be hard.

But, in grief comes anger and sometimes you direct it in any way possible.  I'm not for a minute saying that hospitals are perfect, but you need to put all your energies into accepting your loss and going through grief (whatever that brings).

Please don't get angry at the doctors and nurses right now, it won't help, and it won't bring any real satisfaction, and it certainly won't give you your deepest wish.

If you really believe that something is amiss, it will be a very hard fight, that would need fighting when your head is a bit clearer.

I lost a friend a few months back, and although we all grieve differently, I too have been through the crippling pain and tears bud.  I remember days where I didn't want to not cry, as I was worried that it would stop hurting, and that meant I wasn't caring.  All of these thoughts are normal!  It's good that you are writing down here, and expressing them!

Non of us here as experts on this, but what you have got is a massive collective of decent guitar loving people, and we all wish you best in coping in one of life's biggest hurdles.

TheBlueWolf

@Emp_Fab ;

This is easier to say with the benefit of hindsight, so don't think I'm kicking you in the nuts while you're ( obviously ) in hell. 

Hospitals aren't perfect but they do their best. *Maybe* they could have done more, but even so, if it was your mum's time, then with the very best of intentions it may still not have been enough.

I fully relate and understand your sense of anger right now. Losing a loved one brings up all kinds of "What if?" scenarios and regrets; if only you'd done this, that or the other, been a better son, etc. Death is final and fucking sucks.

Torturing yourself with alternate scenarios and feeling a sense of injustice is perfectly normal but pursuing it with a sense of revenge is the path to madness.

It gets easier with time, that I can promise, but for now let the grief happen and concentrate on the good times you shared with her

Deadman

There aren't any words. It'll take time but you'll get used to it. We do, because we have to. My condolences.

Emp_Fab

I'm now torturing myself with the thought that on the last day I saw her on the normal ward, I had no calls to attend, and sat at home watching shit on YouTube all day.  I went up to see her about 5pm.  When I got there, she was barely awake, unable to speak - she'd taken a turn for the worse around two hours previously - when I was watching YouTube at home.  I knew that none of my relatives were going to see her in the daytime and that the woman she'd befriended in the next bed had been discharged, so she would have had nobody to chat to.  I even told my wife that today would probably be hard for her for those exact reasons, yet I didn't want to go up in the day.  I wanted a break from it.  But if I'd gone up earlier, I could have been with her when she had nobody to talk to, when she was lucid, on her last day, but I didn't.  I sat at home watching fucking YouTube videos instead of being with mum.

thumpingrug

Emp,  I feel for you right now.  This is grief.  Disbelief and anger are part of the process and you have to work through it all before you start thinking clearly.

The problem with statistics like the one you quote is that someone has to be that 0.5-1.5%.

My Farther in law had an aneurysm 3 years ago.  He was 85 and not in good health.   Doctors had been watching it grow for several years and told him when it got to 8cm that they would have liked to operate but the opp would probably kill him.    He was that ticking time bomb.    It was at 10cm and a further two years down the line when it went. He was rushed to hospital and  they operated.  He had several heart attacks during the operation and then a big stroke.   His brian was left without oxygen and he was put on machines for a few days for various relatives to gather before my wife and i took the decision to switch the life support off.   

It was hard and i can understand some of what your going through.  We work on the basis that we had a couple of extra years, though as if health was failing they were not great years and he was ready to go.

Stop blaming yourself and don't look to blame others.  You did what you did because at the time it was right for you to do that.  
Give her the best send off you can and remember the good times that you had with her.  

Skipped

Oh Jesus.
I am so sorry Emp.

I don't know what to say so I am going to quote Ian Hunter.
Years ago...he was interviewed (in Q Magazine) and it was not long after his mum had died. He was asked about it, and this is all that he said.

When you lose your Mum.....that is the Unconditional Love gone. Forever.

kjdowd

Emp - so sorry for you, but must echo what the other guys have said above. Let it go as far as blame or what ifs are concerned - including blaming yourself. From your other posts, you were obviously there for her and she cannot fail to have felt supported and loved. You did everything you could. 


Having lost loved ones, the only advice I can give - and I appreciate that any advice is cold comfort - is to not make it about the end. Celebrate and remember her life. From what you've said she had a long and healthy life with a lot to be happy about. Please - for you - try to focus on this. I know it's hard, and it sound like trite advice, but it helped me a lot.

joeyowen

Emp_Fab said:

I'm now torturing myself with the thought that on the last day I saw her on the normal ward, I had no calls to attend, and sat at home watching shit on YouTube all day.  I went up to see her about 5pm.  When I got there, she was barely awake, unable to speak - she'd taken a turn for the worse around two hours previously - when I was watching YouTube at home.  I knew that none of my relatives were going to see her in the daytime and that the woman she'd befriended in the next bed had been discharged, so she would have had nobody to chat to.  I even told my wife that today would probably be hard for her for those exact reasons, yet I didn't want to go up in the day.  I wanted a break from it.  But if I'd gone up earlier, I could have been with her when she had nobody to talk to, when she was lucid, on her last day, but I didn't.  I sat at home watching fucking YouTube videos instead of being with mum.

That's not overly rational bud.

You may not ever see it, but from my point of view, you are totally allowed to have time to yourself in these situations.  It's to much to ask to be at every visting time from start to finish sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with being at home watching videos to calm down and relax.  Even if you had been with her all day, you would now be sat with a different what if scenario running through your head.

It is totally normal, but not overly helpful to think like that

Emp_Fab

Can I just say at this point, there are two things that are bringing more comfort at this point than anything... One is my little angel Pugsley, who senses my pain and has been cuddling up to me a lot, sitting facing me and coming up to give me 'kisses' (licks on my nose).  He's a real-life interactive teddy bear who gives me the same unconditional love I had from mum.  The other is you lot.  You are my rock.  I come here to vent my soul and you bring me back to a state of calm.  Words can't express my sincere gratitude for everyone helping me here.  I genuinely don't know where I would be without you guys.  Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.

I do worry that I surely can't have been the only one to lose a parent on here, yet, to my knowledge, I appear to be the only one who's poured out his grief for all to see.  That must mean that I'm out of control, and emotionally weaker than the rest - which bothers me a bit.  Not everyone goes around pouring their heart out, showing their failings and weaknesses, their lack of 'stiff upper lip', but for me, I feel so desperate that such worries are secondary to me seeking emotional support publicly.  I wish I were made of stronger stuff. 

I also, genuinely, sincerely and calmly, wish that I'd never been brought into this world in the first place.  I've never been truly happy my entire life.  I've struggled with depression and anxiety for decades but this pain is unlike anything I've ever known - it is bottomless.  Sorry if all that sounds melodramatic, but I'm not being so - it's how I've felt for most of my life.