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Dear breakstuff
If you moved out that shithole that is Grimsby, and to a bigger location, say London, Manchester, or Birmingham, we would happily come and play at your home town
Yours
B. Dickinson and S. Harris
Ringleader of the Cambridge cartel, pedal champ and king of the dirt boxes (down to 21)
I watched Corrie on the telly earlier and it was raining. Just saying.
Kindest regards
Fish the Michaels
soundcloud.com/thecolourbox-1
youtube.com/@TheColourboxMusic
Actually, I'm like not an actual punk though, I'm like proto emo punk core now you know, so yeah
love and hate
Sheena
soundcloud.com/thecolourbox-1
youtube.com/@TheColourboxMusic
I'm glad to hear you're aware of your land of origin, especially while you're in 'The Big Apple'.
Hope they don't try to force coffee down you or do that irritating 'both sides' thing with your toast.
Kind regards....
Dear Keith Harris
Sincere apologies. When we invited Orville for dinner we assumed you'd know he was the main course.
Delia Smith
Dear U2
Thanks for your amazing song Sunday bloody Sunday. I can so relate to that as Sundays really piss me off as well.
Axisus
Dear mr Mark Bolan
We can only assume that your crash diet is working as you don't seem to have ordered any food in some weeks
ASDA
Dear Rose Royce
You claim that Love don't live here any more, but inland revenue has evidence to the contrary
HM Revenue and Customs
Dear Michael Jackson
We are not surprised that you have gone bad, your expiry date was June 25th 2009
Fresh vegetable association
Dear Philip Oakey
I'm sorry to have to inform you that you have been relegated
Axisus
Dear mr Blackmore
Thank you for your submission to the Masterchef cookbook. Unfortunately we cannot accept 'Child in Thyme' due to current laws on cannibalism
Masterchef team
Dear Marti Pellow
It may amuse you to tell everyone that love is all around, but next time please try and catch it in a tissue as that stuff stains you know
Love mum
Dear Radiohead
I'm sorry you got such a bad reception at your recent gig with us. As a suggestion next time, stick an arial in your head and twiddle your ears a bit
Head of events
Dear Pete Townsend
I am very disappointed with Pinball Wizard. It keeps freezing Windows.
Bill Gates
Dear Sex pistols
The bad news is that HRH Queen Elizabeth II has died. The good news is that Julian Clary has made an unbelievably miraculous recovery. God says next time could you be a bit more specific.
Archbishop of Canterbury
Dear mr Hammett
the unfortunate rash has been caused by sand under your foreskin. Enter sandman was never meant to be taken literally
The practice
On second thoughts, perhaps you weren't extolling the virtues of unrefined sugar, perfectly toasted bread or a nice pie crust after all...
Delia Smith.
Dear Cheryl Fernando Torres,
Re: "Crazy Stupid Love"
If the relationship you describe is "like a rollercoaster but [you're] only going up", wouldn't that make it a bit shit?
Sincerely,
Everyone.
p.s. When are you going to cover Shellac's "My Black Ass"? Would be tres apropos, non?
Don't talk politics and don't throw stones. Your royal highnesses.