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dear Leonard Cohen
cheer the fuck up
Get the fuck out of our jungle you fat slob.
Last time I saw a face like yours, Frankie Dettori was sitting behind it.
Nevertheless, my regards remain,
Gassage.
*An Official Foo-Approved guitarist since Sept 2023.
Once the cavalry is loosed, that's it, I'm afraid.
Major Russell Russell
15th Royal Hussars
Dear Barry Manilow
you look like the end of my cock ( after it has been soaked in Witch Hazel ) with a wig on...........
*swoon*
All fine except you don't sing like a man
Yours etc
I must say your marketing was totally misleading.
My stay at the Hotel California was an abysmal failure.
The lights failed just as I got there, I could hardly park in the ridiculously small car park, due to a blinged out mercedes parked most inconsiderately, there were a load of sweaty labourers in the courtyard prancing about like buffoons and the beef was so rare as to be almost alive, and so tough I could hardly cut it, even with a steak knife.
To top it all, they had run out of wine, and when I decided to go into town for a bottle, the porter wouldn't even let me out!
Disgusting excuse for a hotel. I shan't be back.
Elvis
try some prunes
We realise it was the summer of '69, but we are specifically interested in where you were on the evening of 12th July that year between 8 and 10pm.
Ryan is already cooperating with us.
Regarding your recent booking. I regret to advise you that owing to engineering work the last train is cancelled and a substitute bus service is in operation. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused.
Yours etc
Tennessee Railroad Authority
Dear Mariah,
Yes, yes, I know, I've got the message God knows how many times over the last week, in every shop I visit, be that B&Q, Sainbury's or Lidl, and frankly, it's getting a bit tedious. Listen up bitch, because you'd need to get it into your head that there's absolutely no way I'm leaving my wife of 34 years (especially at this festive time of year), and in any case she's not impressed by your constant demands for me to do so, either.
Quite what a fit piece of well-rounded crumpet like you is doing pestering a fat, bald old, no-hope, wannabee rock star for sexual favours is beyond my comprehension. In this case, may I suggest the best Christmas present you could wish for is a new pair of specs.
Yours etc,
Chilli.
Having a great time here in the States. Beats Lewis in winter any old day. Must dash, my train is about to leave.
All the best,
Juan Hugo.*