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To question yourself in such a way is a sign of humility as everyone who has some doubts in their own intuition will have doubts for their actions but at these times you have to listen to others who have known that your actions have been nothing other than exemplary.
As for losing hair, you can shave your head or buy a wig but as the winter is coming it's a great time for hats. IMO I think the Russian type ones with woolly bits over the ears are pretty fucking awesome and would really suit you.
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Supportact said: [my style is] probably more an accumulation of limitations and bad habits than a 'style'.
it is almost 14 years to the day that my mother passed away, and much of that last year is a blur.
She too wanted to stay at home, so after the best part of two years balancing work, hospitals etc, I decided to take 3 months off.
As you describe it is exhausting physically and emotionally, in the end for a number of reasons the choice was taken from her hands and she was moved to a hospice.
it was the best thing that happened at that time, she became more comfortable and was looked after brilliantly, she also took solace from those around her and had many private conversations with a number of her neighbours.
My brother and I were then able to focus on spending time with her, without the weight of providing all the care.
i know no experiences can be the same, and that there are probably good and bad hospices but the good ones are brilliant and a great help.
Ok, I'll try to get through this in order.
First, give yourself some fucking credit, man. You'll never save her life and I know you realise that, but it's what you're trying to do! It's completely natural, of course it is, but you need to take some of the pressure off yourself. I know you describe yourself as an all or nothing person, but you need to pull back a little bit. It doesn't mean doing less for her, or caring less, it just means doing something for yourself, because you must.
Of course you want to spend every minute of what remains with her, of course you do, but you can't - as @Roland said, you're no use to anyone if you fall over yourself, least of all her daughters who you need to be there for all the time, not just afterwards.
What else is there to life? Fuck all mate - I'm not being sarcastic or trying to be funny, I'm serious. Far, far greater minds than ours have failed to answer that question. The closest I've ever come is whoever said that life is what happens to you while you're busy making plans for something else. You're doing what you can, and while you'll obviously be grief stricken when it all resolves, in time you will get over it and move on. There's no point thinking about that now, though, all I'm saying is don't try to get all metaphysical on yourself now, you've got more than enough to worry about.
As for her son, it's simply because he can't cope. He has no idea what's happening because he's blanking it out. It's perfectly typical (and natural too, probably). He'll come round in his own way, you just have to let him get there or you'll spoil any relationship you might have with him, which won't help either.
And you're not talking rubbish, you're just getting it all off your chest. You need to, posts like you've just made are a hugely necessary release valve, just keep on making them, Tom. Say what you like, say what you have to, no one thinks any less of you for it. (Wait for some joker to post "I do!" )
Take care, Tom, especially of yourself.
One thing I'd say is please don't discount the hospice. They are incredible places and will really help Sheena and all of you in her last days. My dad died at home; the memory of him dying there is forever in my mind when I visited his house afterwards and that's never been a great thing for me. You may be able to remember just the good things that happened in your house, I don't know. Just remember it can work the other way too. A hospice is neutral territory that you can shelve or put away in your mind afterwards. The staff can also take some of the physical burden of caring off you too, to leave you just with "being with Sheena."
All my best to you mate, these are heartbreaking times but you're a star.
You might not be writing for a while, but we're all still thinking of you, and feeling for you.
Here when you're ready.
You are a pretty special fella. You won't realise it, but you are, and what you are going through is as tough as it gets, and by doing what you are doing, being with Sheena all the way is the expression of love that she needs right now, all the way through. If I were in her situation, I'd be content knowing I had you with me for each step. What more could be asked?
Your time together, all of it, is a badge of honour you can wear forever, knowing that every moment of it matters.
She knows you love her, you know she loves you: that's all that is important. Always Tom.
I haven't commented much on this thread, but i have been keeping up with it. Might sound silly but try to go easy on yourself. You have stepped up where many wouldn't or couldn't, you are one of the strongest people i have ever come across.
Like everyone it's not easy to find the right words (i struggle more than most) at times like these but you and Sheena are in my thoughts pretty much every day.
Stay strong fella, you’re doing an incredible job, massive, massive respect to you.
“Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”
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