girlfriend break up help

mark123

as title 
been in a relationship with a toxic controlling
woman, wanting to know where i was what i was doing, if i wanted a night out with the lads i didnt love her ! if i was out with her i would be accused of looking at women (not one of my exes ever said stuff like this)Yet i keep going back again and again ..i reckon i walk out 3 times a month ..if a woman in a bikini comes on the tv she will turn channel over  
i think i go back because of lonelyness, as i have no kids ,parents ,brothers ,sisters so when we break up its me staring at 4 walls in my house ..
any tips advice anyone experience similar ?did you get out and find someone better ??

danishbacon

Get out. Focus on yourself/grow/acheive some goals on your own, then spend some time with some friends. The right one can come along when you least expect it.

Grumpyrocker

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.

For myself the first step in the journey to finally finding someone wonderful who made me happy was becoming happy with myself on my own first. Find the happiness and joy within yourself and that's something you can share with someone.

Dontgiveupyourdayjob

Grumpyrocker said:

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy.

This x 1000. 

Sounds to me like you know deep inside that you'll never be happy with her. The initial loneliness might be a tough thing to face, but you'll always regret it if you continue flogging the proverbial flog horse.

daveyh

Better the devil you know ......................

......................is totally wrong. You've already answered your own question haven't you? I was in the same position, got out, now have the best woman you could imagine. 

darthed1981

Sounds like you have identified her as "toxic" already.

As others have said, get out, there is nothing wrong with spending some time on your own, and you CAN do better than someone who is abusive, which is what that kind of controlling behaviour is.

Good luck mate

GoldenEraGuitars

Run. 

Run like fuck.

And don’t look back. 

Stevepage

Just leave, you're going to be more miserable as time goes on and no one deserves that. 

Just be single for a while, enjoy yourself and you'll find some one else eventually

octatonic

Been there, done that.
2 things to know- this is IMHO of course.

1) this has nothing to do with you- these types of people will do this with whomever they are with.
2) It usually isn't worth hanging around whilst they grow up, should they even want to.

I would be getting out as soon as possible.

Bygone_Tones

Sounds like you are just not standing up for yourself enough. You have to work on that confidence to put her in her place when its called for, instead of letting her get her way all the time. Build up  bit by bit and start taking control, eg arrange a date night entirely yourself and tell her what's going to happen, or make a meal and tell her what she will be having etc, etc. She will either respect you a lot more for being more of a man,  or she will dump you because she is a controlling psycho.  Either way you will have a lot more respect for yourself, and thats the important thing.

Unless you build up your own confidence it's a problem that you will only take into the next relationship in my opinion.

Iamnobody

If you think the relationship is worth saving and working at then you could always consider going down the counselling route.

However I’m in the run like fuck camp. Build a new life - it might take time but you’ll get there.

Paul_C

The usual response on Imgur is "Don't put your **** in crazy" which I think sums things up succinctly.

ToneControl

you have 4 choices:

1. Continue as-is
2. Seek counselling
3. End it, and become single, hope that you find someone else
4. Try to find someone else first, then end it

I think you should choose 3 or 4
Most people would aspire to 3, but in reality 4 happens quite a lot

One married woman we know went out on the primary school Mum's pub night in the village, and pulled someone, went home with him, and did not go home until the morning, and was happy to let everyone know.  This is a nuclear version of 3, where you end your relationship with a watershed event, and burn bridges as much as possible (which was the intention of this woman as far as I can tell, she seemed happy with the split) 

mark123

Bygone_Tones said:

Sounds like you are just not standing up for yourself enough. You have to work on that confidence to put her in her place when its called for, instead of letting her get her way all the time. Build up  bit by bit and start taking control, eg arrange to do things yourself and go places, tell her what meals you are having etc. She will either respect you a lot more for being more of a man,  or she will dump you because she is a controlling psycho.  Either way you will have a lot more respect for yourself, and thats the important thing.

Unless you build up your own confidence it's a problem that you will only take into the next relationship in my opinion.

None of my past relationships have been like this ,no where near,and i have no problem standing up for myself ,she has said in the past" if you go out with your mates its over", i did ,and a week later we are back on ,its just a cycle of drama ,tears, and meldowns on her part.I have never known anyone cry so much over little things.
Ive caught her twice(that i know of) going through my phone looking for stuff ,ive told her she can look anytime just ask ive got nothing to hide,if things dont go to plan she gets all moody i just say go with the flow adapt but she cant,ive never cheated on her if i bumb into exes im not allowed to talk to them but she bumped into her ex when out with me a few months ago spoke with him for 20 mins ,didnt introduce me to him ,but when i asked later she said its one of my exes !.

mark123

daveyh said:

Better the devil you know ......................

......................is totally wrong. You've already answered your own question haven't you? I was in the same position, got out, now have the best woman you could imagine. 

wow inspiring story
I hope i'm writing this in a year or so time .

Teyeplayer

You’ve said she is ‘toxic’, don’t waste anymore time there, it’ll never improve and won’t ever work as a fully functioning relationship should. 

poopot

Pm’d

Brize

daveyh said:

I was in the same position, got out, now have the best woman you could imagine. 

Do you have to say that because she monitors your internet usage?

proggy

Find someone new, and also get a dog. When all else fails, dogs make you happy.

Grunfeld

mark123 said:

...i keep going back again and again ..i reckon i walk out 3 times a month...
i think i go back because of loneliness, as i have no kids ,parents ,brothers ,sisters so when we break up its me staring at 4 walls in my house ..
any tips advice anyone experience similar ?did you get out and find someone better ??

The shortish answer:  get out and do not go back no matter what -- even if your arse falls off. 

It will not suddenly become a good relationship.  Yes, your loneliness is driving your behaviour but you can change your behaviour.  Loneliness is a small price to pay for what this type of relationship can do to you.

The slightly longer reply:  I've been there and done this. 

You're doing a pattern of break up and leave, and you might even leave and find someone who is lovely, BUT then when the problematic gf reappears some months later (and she will), you end up going back to her -- and you'll dump a really nice person.  Why? 

Because with your current relationship, if it can be called that, you get into a pattern of bad times with intermittent good times -- and what can happen is the same sort of behaviour like being an addict on a slot machine: 

You are always losing but the occasional rewards feel so good that you keep playing. 

It is incredibly addictive being in a relationship like this because it's driven by our neediness, i.e. nothing that's healthy.  And we always go back for more.  Even if the pair of you can both see what you're doing (and it takes ages to truly see it), you'll still do it anyway because of its compulsive, co-dependent quality.  There is nothing healthy about this kind of relationship.

Get out.  Embrace the loneliness -- it's not so fucking bad! -- and be aware that the price these relationships charge is that even when you eventually leave them you'll be thinking they are special for a long time to come.  Just get out and take the smaller hit now before it fucks you over permanently. 

StanleyAccrington

1) Leave
  2) Get a (or another) guitar.