girlfriend break up help

Emp_Fab

mark123 said:

thank you for all the suggestions 
my trouble is i'm a fucking idiot who keeps going back all the time.

Fixed that for you

Mark..... LEAVE. You are only on this Earth for a short time - every minute is precious.  You are wasting precious time with this lunatic woman.  Here speaks the voice of experience.  I wasted three years of my life with a lunatic and those are three years I'll never get back.  You talk as if she is the only female on the planet and that if you don't keep her you'll have nobody.  You know that's clearly horseshit don't you ?

Every minute you waste with this silly cow is a minute you could be spending with someone who actually loves you and doesn't merely want to own you.

Plus....  her behaviour is obviously not normal.  You don't say if she's an angry type, but be very very careful my friend.  I have physical scars that are still visible thirty years on.  A woman in a jealous rage is capable of anything - and I mean anything.

Foster

Theres a lass I dated for a few months about 2 years ago. She's a nutter who lives for drama. We split up (thank god) and she keeps trying to get back in touch. I think she's finally got the message now that i've told her, in simple terms, that's she's a raving lunatic and to fuck off.

If you're lonely then get a dog or a cat. Women are not worth the effort.

ThePrettyDamned

mark123 said:

Im 53
Im not a psychologist
I live alone we both have our own homes
my friends have said get out of it 
I have never experienced anything like it 
If i'm out and don't answer her call i get voicemail accusing me of torturing her, playing mind games with her ,All because i missed her call and didnt reply in 1 hr. 
It's not as if i'm out fri/sat/sun every week with the lads ,
one night every 2 sometimes every 3 weeks ,is that really too much to ask ?

I must say, this is far worse than my own experience mentioned previously - certainly I never accused anyone of anything  but jealousy is absolutely toxic at any level. 

At this level, I'd get out, break up properly, delete the number and get out to gigs to find new people.

Garthy

Reverse the roles, if a woman was posting this on mumsnet those dragons would be spitting venom and telling her to leave the abusive bastard ASAP.

Your partner is vile and you'd struggle to do worse.

sinbaadi

How did you not walk the moment she did something like change the channel when a girl in a bikini came on?

If you are only in it, and only going back, to get laid...  then whatever inferiority complexes and self loathing she might feel that makes her behave in that very jealousy-fuelled controlling way, I'm sorry but you are only contributing to it.

Either way it will never be a healthy relationship now, but you already knew that long ago.

mark123

She has got a temper 0 to 100 in seconds ,she went mad with me for falling asleep on the sofa watching the tv with her..I'd been on earlys all week getting up at 5.00am finishing at 4pm  and she was mad with me for dozing off ,took her to dublin for a long weekend i payed for everything, she went in the huff because the hotel room had no windows ,i said its only somewhere to sleep ,have a shower ,we havent got to live here, but no, she went in the huff ..whole weekend was ruined..their are loads more jaw dropping stories i could tell you ..

Axe_meister

Sounds like a right little Princess used to getting her own way and has no idea what a spoilt brat she is. Run I know the type, we have one at work and has been the cause of most moral issues.

beed84

Been there and done that also. It’s really not worth the grief it’s causing you.

A lecturer of mine said to me when I was in a similar predicament, “You want to be in a relationship not a project”. He couldn’t have said it better.

I’d also echo what others have said and work on yourself. Do stuff that pleases you. Be around people who make you happy. I’ve been single for two years and got so much shit done in that time, such as getting through my classical guitar grades, training regularly at wing chun, and almost written the first draft of my book. I also get to hang out with people who are decent without worrying about it. None of this would’ve been possible if I were still with my ex.

The right person will present themselves when you’re not expecting it, I’m sure. Just stay away from this woman – she’s dragging you down.

DrJazzTap

Been there done that. I wasted three years of my life when I should have gone. I was the same didn't want to be alone and thought "All relationships have ups and downs".

Major takeaway lesson i learned- you cannot change people.

All the best and you can get through it!

usedtobe

Grunfeld said:

mark123 said:

she keeps saying its me my fault ,that i ruin everything 
says i will end up a sad and lonely old man with nothing

She's describing her own fears, right there. 

She is scared that she ruins everything and she is scared of her own future of being sad and lonely. 

And she's desperate to throw that unpleasant bag of her own shit for you to catch.

Because she absolutely can't stand the possibility that her own behaviour is driving this. 

She won't see what she's doing -- because the overwhelming emotions of those fears won't let her.

Basically she needs a therapist; don't try to fix her if you're not one.  And you sound like you would prefer a gf, not a client.

Good luck.

I wish I could’ve given this more than one wiz!

Blaendulais

Treat her really badly. So badly she wont ever see you again. 

Jimbro66

For years I was trapped in a relationship with a woman who was the devil incarnate. She was truly evil but my attempts at leaving her were futile. I even moved 300 miles away to escape her but she tracked me down and moved herself in, determined to "make me pay". Needless to say she was mentally unstable. After a particularly unpleasant incident she was Sectioned and that was the turning point. I determined never to have her back. After that I had two years of constant harassment and, yes, I was also told that I would end up a lonely old man 

She was wrong. Finally escaping her lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I became the me I hadn't been for many years. Far from being lonely I was liberated and enjoying life. After a while, like others here, I was lucky to find myself in a new relationship with a wonderful woman and seven years later I am still blissfully happy with her.

Don't drag it out @mark123 life is too short. Good luck mate 

boogieman

Late to the party here and most of what I would’ve said has already been posted.

 End it. Walk away. Don’t go back. This woman is a control freak who is manipulating you for her own reasons. She’s undermined your self confidence so much that you’ll keep going back for another kick in the balls because she’s made you think that somehow you deserve it. You don’t. 

There’s plenty of non-nutters out there, you just need to meet one. 

mark123

thanks everyone 
a couple of points
i dont get this "find yourself" i just feel lost on my own sitting in silence ,i have friends who will go out with me on a fri or sat night but its like tonight /today i've had no contact ,next week i won't till friday ,after losing my dad 10 yrs ago i have nothing ,can't pop down for a cuppa or a chat its the times like this i go back and ask her for another chance then a week in i think oh ho here we go and boom !big argument 95% of the time its a mad accusation and i walk out saying ive had enough
Then 2 weeks later i'm back again 

ICBM

mark123 said:

Then 2 weeks later i'm back again 

Which is exactly what's giving her the power over you to behave as she wants - and she knows it.

Burst her bubble and don't go back next time.

She is clearly a nutjob. I haven't been in a relationship with one personally, but I have a friend who has, and I can only add another voice to the chorus of those of us who have said to leave and don't look back. Or in fact, do look back to make sure you aren't being followed.

schrodinger1612

She will never respect you because you’re too needy, but she’ll keep accepting you back because she’s an emotional vampire who loves to be in control. Get rid and stop being a masochist

guitarfishbay

Hi Mark.

From what I’ve read in this thread I can honestly advise from my own experience, and from seeing friends in the same situation, this scenario does not resolve in to a normal relationship.

The way I see it is that ultimately you cannot be compatible. You are not both looking for the same type of relationship. 

I am absolutely not discounting any of your personal experiences here and you should type them if you feel it helps, but this is a story many have been in or seen before. They won’t change and regardless of what you do you aren’t going to suddenly meet their expectations in a way where you will also be happy. 

I think it’s clearly her that’s being unreasonable - actually more than that, but no need to make things any more personal about someone I have never met.

The right thing to do here is to walk away.

Fishguy

mark123 said:

thanks everyone 
a couple of points
i dont get this "find yourself" i just feel lost on my own sitting in silence ,i have friends who will go out with me on a fri or sat night but its like tonight /today i've had no contact ,next week i won't till friday ,after losing my dad 10 yrs ago i have nothing ,can't pop down for a cuppa or a chat its the times like this i go back and ask her for another chance then a week in i think oh ho here we go and boom !big argument 95% of the time its a mad accusation and i walk out saying ive had enough
Then 2 weeks later i'm back again 

There's a lot of people out there you could be spending time with that don't make you feel like this!

I struggled with an ex for a lot longer than I should have. I've been punched in the back of the head, plates and countless other objects launched at me Interspersed with accusations of cheating. After finally kicking her out after her infidelity I could start spending more time doing things I loved before she got on the scene and made new friends and girlfriend's after that.

Only my thoughts of course and your situations going to be different. Either way hope things get better soon! There's no need to be staring at a wall

boogieman

You can decide what you do with your time once you’re your own master and not being criticised for doing what you want. You won’t have to sit indoors looking at the walls, you can chose to do other things. In fact if you find someone who’s not a nutter you might even find you can do stuff together. 

fandango

@mark123 ;

You need willpower to get yourself through this. And to ditch the mementos of "her"; such as clothes, books, cd's, photos, stuff that she has given you.

"Finding yourself" is about discovering your own place in the world, without the pressure of a 'relationship'. Recalibrate your life. Go monk for a while. And ditch the mementos of "her".

Living on your own? So much to do ... play guitars, read, watch films, DIY, walking, exploring other towns/villages, keeping up with neighbours, befriending someone of an older generation who can't get about to much, join a gym, have dance lessons, go play football/hockey/team sport, re-sort your record/cd collection, redecorate your home, learn to cook and spend time creating some fantastic meals for yourself..... find some new interest or hobby. Shake your life up a little. Change your routine. Treat yourself every now and then... take yourself off for a cream tea on a Sunday afternoon, for instance.

I could go on, but there's nothing worse than being in a cyclical relationship that doesn't work. You must call time on such. Period. And not go back.

www.mgtow.com