girlfriend break up help

Freebird

If you ever feel like you're missing her, just stick the Fatal Attraction video on the tele.

mark123

Ive lost count of how many live bands we have seen to get "who are you looking at ?" because a couple of lasses are dancing at the front near the band ,i tell her that i'm watching the band like everyone else, On one of these occasions i even went to the bar  with my back to the band looking at the optics so she could not accuse me ,mad i know !

munckee

daveyh said:

Better the devil you know ......................

......................is totally wrong. You've already answered your own question haven't you? I was in the same position, got out, now have the best woman you could imagine. 

In the words of Han Solo  I can imagine quite a lot : )

to the O P. All these people are unlikely to be wrong. Bizarrely it’s what you are saying you don’t have kids that would blur the line about staying. You just have you, this ain’t it, find someone better. 

Reverend

Get out. 

Of course she says it your fault. That tells neutral observers a lot. 

Roland

mark123 said:

I live alone we both have our own homes

At least she won’t be able to trash your possessions before you move out. Nevertheless, change the locks this afternoon. You can get replacements from any diy store.

TheMarlin

mark123 said:

Im 53
Im not a psychologist
I live alone we both have our own homes
my friends have said get out of it 
I have never experienced anything like it 
If i'm out and don't answer her call i get voicemail accusing me of torturing her, playing mind games with her ,All because i missed her call and didnt reply in 1 hr. 
It's not as if i'm out fri/sat/sun every week with the lads ,
one night every 2 sometimes every 3 weeks ,is that really too much to ask ?

If she has your key, change your locks 

Grunfeld

mark123 said:

I live alone we both have our own homes
my friends have said get out of it 
I have never experienced anything like it...

Knowing what to do isn't the problem. 

The problem seems to be how you can stick with your resolution to get out.

If it helps, here are some focusing questions:

(1)  What are you really seeking?  [Are you getting that from this pattern of behaviour?  Basically, what's important to you in life and is this it?]

(2)  What have you tried?  [Appeasement; leaving her; going back to her; anything else?]

(3)  How is it working out?  (Obviously you're not happy hence your thread but the question is really to focus your experience of what really happens vs what your mind said might happen this time.)

(4)  What is this costing you?

Paul_C

mark123 said:

 
If i'm out and don't answer her call i get voicemail accusing me of torturing her, playing mind games with her ,All because i missed her call and didnt reply in 1 hr. 

You should keep at least one message to listen to if you're feeling weak and are considering giving her a call.

digitalscream

@mark123 - I could be wrong, but it sounds like you might have a bit of difficulty in being alone, hence going back to her so many times. My dad had this problem after he and my mother split up, and he made a long (and very expensive) series of poor relationship choices over a period of 10 years - purely because he didn't know how to live alone.

Do not do this.

My advice would be to ditch the toxic relationship, and learn to live by yourself, for yourself for a year or two. It's much easier to identify your own trigger points when you haven't got jealousy/accusations/etc in your ear. Once you're comfortable with yourself, you'd be surprised how quickly you end up finding yourself in a much more stable relationship with a much more stable person.

With that said, don't blame yourself for this (apart from the bit about constantly going back...that one is all you, I'm afraid). Despite the commonly-held narrative these days, abusive partners come with both sets of reproductive equipment, and it very much sounds like this is one of those cases.

IvanMC

All this reminds me of a woman who suffered from Borderline Persobality Disorder. Hasn't your girlfriend been officially diagnosed with anything at all? Run, said someone. Proper piece of advice there, mate. Run. Play guitar. Been having a tough time? Play the shit out of it. Go to a gym and work out. Get fit and go out with the lads. Read David X, Carlos Xuma and start dating new lasses as of now!

Axe_meister

Finish it. Get your mates yo take a good photo of yourself and publish on Tinder/Match/whatever floats your boat Just have a good time dating.

DefaultM

When you leave don't get in to any form of discussion with her. You're allowed to completely ignore her. It's the talking that's the problem because they always come out with a load of bollocks about how it's your fault. Then you inevitably get confused about the situation and go back, just for it all to happen again.

Bygone_Tones

mark123 said:

Bygone_Tones said:

Sounds like you are just not standing up for yourself enough. You have to work on that confidence to put her in her place when its called for, instead of letting her get her way all the time. Build up  bit by bit and start taking control, eg arrange to do things yourself and go places, tell her what meals you are having etc. She will either respect you a lot more for being more of a man,  or she will dump you because she is a controlling psycho.  Either way you will have a lot more respect for yourself, and thats the important thing.

Unless you build up your own confidence it's a problem that you will only take into the next relationship in my opinion.

None of my past relationships have been like this ,no where near,and i have no problem standing up for myself ,she has said in the past" if you go out with your mates its over", i did ,and a week later we are back on ,its just a cycle of drama ,tears, and meldowns on her part.I have never known anyone cry so much over little things.
Ive caught her twice(that i know of) going through my phone looking for stuff ,ive told her she can look anytime just ask ive got nothing to hide,if things dont go to plan she gets all moody i just say go with the flow adapt but she cant,ive never cheated on her if i bumb into exes im not allowed to talk to them but she bumped into her ex when out with me a few months ago spoke with him for 20 mins ,didnt introduce me to him ,but when i asked later she said its one of my exes !.

Sounds like you just need to get out then, as everyone else has said.

Had a similar girlfriend myself a long time ago. Maybe not as bad as your situation but way too possessive and generally a bit of a nutcase. I could have stood up to her better at the time admittedly but I just got out of there in the end and it was like a weight had been lifted. Just don't go crawling back, cut all ties.

Shrews

Tell her it's over. You will both be better off without each other.

Make the split easier for her. Tell her you think she's too good for you and deserves someone better (even if you hate yourself for doing it). A case of losing the battle to win the war.

If you're not tactical about it I think there is a real chance (from what you've said) that she could give you a lot of harrassment problems afterwards, but letting her have some self-esteem possibly reduces that risk.  I'm sure she's given you plenty of examples of where 'you're not good enough for her', so they should be easy enough to reel off.

In management circles, it's called the 'shit sandwich'

I don't think I'm good enough for you, I've been thinking about the things you've said and I think you deserve someone better as I just can't live up to your expectations (reel off some examples). You're lovely in every way (blah, blah, blah)

So I can't go on hurting you any longer, you deserve to be happy and to find the person who is perfect for you. So, as much as I hate to do it, I feel that's the best thing for you.  Breaking up is always difficult but give it a few months and you'll find somebody that you'll be happy with.

We've had some good times and I'll never forget you. You've been a much bigger part of my life than you'll probably ever realise (you fcking controlling psycho bitch - don't say that).

Then take a deep breath, rub your eyes to make them look tearful, smile at her, get up and walk out.  And try not to run down the road singing Zippety-Doo-Dah.

Hopefully that should prevent any vengeful split-up aftermath. 

I'm sure the theory will say you should give it a few months and get to know yourself. It's probably right but also easier said than done.

It may be best to let her find another boyfriend and not go looking for a new woman yourself until she seems more settled. Don't ever go back even if she seems genuinely remorseful. Life is too short to have people like that in your life.  

This is the 21st Century, plenty of women out there in tinternet land  are looking for good men like yourself. Plenty just want the physical stuff (go for it, if you think it'll help, no strings can sometimes benefit both parties) but plenty also just want a loving man.  Thankfully the days are gone where if a relationship breaks up then you either have to find somebody at work or it's a pick-up joint on a Saturday night.

Get it done, time is moving on towards Christmas and the closer it gets the harder it will be.  Or settle for having a shit Christmas and then doing the deed in January. New year, new start and all that, but I think now is the time. 

skunkwerx

Hello mate. 

I love you all, and thus I shall kick you up the arse when needed. Because thats what friendly neighbourhood spidermen do. 

1. You wouldnt have posted this if there wasnt a problem. 
How does she make you feel? The raw emotions, dont try to sympathise or try to understand her point of view, because from what you say, people like that cant be.  

2. You can't change her, no matter what you do. You cant make her, and she probably doesnt want to. 
You can only change your own circumstances, and yourself. 


3. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. 
You seem lonely, and so are scared to be alone.
You need to invest in yourself my friend, make yourself the hero. Build yourself up. Its hard work and requires practice, but soon you'll see your own worth, and be confident to assert yourself not to settle for something thats doing you no good just because you fear being alone or fear you may not find someone else. 

Think of yourself as a project, go and get some CBT to help (I did), nowt wrong with it and it will keep you safely on track doing the right things! 

Sometimes I've been given real simple bits of advice and guidance, that I would never have thought of, but have changed my mindset drastically!

4. There are 66 MILLION people here in the Uk in 2018.
Your chances of finding someone much better, and more attractive in all senses,  are high. 

 

Funkfingers

mark123 said:

if a woman in a bikini comes on the tv, she will turn channel over.  

This points to severe self-image insecurity. Demanding to know where you go, with whom, to do what is also indicative of general relationship insecurity.

Your partner fears abandonment. Her belief is probably founded in past experiences. She needs to seek medical/psychological advice AND act upon it. Otherwise, she will always drive prospective partners away.

Unless or until, your partner can change into a more relaxed person, the easy option is to walk away. Getting somebody of that fearful mindset to change will be tricky. She probably will not even admit publicly that there is anything wrong with her outlook on life.

Dominic

mark123 said:

Im 53
Im not a psychologist
I live alone we both have our own homes
my friends have said get out of it 
I have never experienced anything like it 
If i'm out and don't answer her call i get voicemail accusing me of torturing her, playing mind games with her ,All because i missed her call and didnt reply in 1 hr. 
It's not as if i'm out fri/sat/sun every week with the lads ,
one night every 2 sometimes every 3 weeks ,is that really too much to ask ?

Definition of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
I had exactly this with somebody ........took me 6 months to realise as I thought she was a little insecure and I could be gentle and accommodating to a point .
 I realised the extent when we were about to pull onto a busy main road and I dared to look right when we came to the junction 
- apparently I only looked right "in case" there was a good looking woman approaching at 60mph !!!!!
 I said nothing but drove straight home while she fumed in the car .........she was surprised when I re-emerged from my house about 5 minutes later with 2 dustbin bags full of her things ( she thought I was coming to coax her out with sympathy and apologies for daring to glance into the oncoming traffic ). I drove her straight to her friends house and said goodbye .
 The End.
Anyway the moral is that about 10 years later I was chatting to a guy in a swimming pool in a Hotel in Barcelona .When he asked my name He said "I know somebody you used to date ".........turns out the same woman had been making his best mates life Hell with all the same madness for about 3 years and the mate had called it a day a month earlier .
  You can't change Crazy.

mark123

thank you for all the suggestions 
my trouble is i keep going back all the time 
she is good looking but looks fade 
and personalitys stay ..

Paul_C

Let us know when she's single. . .

schrodinger1612

mark123 said:

she is good looking but looks fade 

We'll be the judge of that. Pics?