girlfriend break up help

jonnyburgo

She obviously a messed up person, but if she doesn’t want to admit to that then it isn’t your job to fix it mate.

have you asked her in a calm moment if she thinks her behaviour is unreasonable?

Is she able to reflect at all?

Dont stay with her just to fill a gap or because you feel sorry for her, those reasons Can never be be stable foundations.

Emp_Fab

You bastard.  You beat me to it whilst I was asleep!  I came here to post that exact clip!


Anyway, back to the OP...   You have every single person here screaming at you to get the fuck out of that insane relationship, and your posts in between are coming back with, basically, “yes, but....  what am I going to do if I leave her...  I get lonely and bored and I can’t x,y & z etc etc”.  You clearly have no real love for each other - your ‘love’ for her included if your primary thought is “what am I going to fill the void with?” 

Tell me, if, for whatever reason, you spent most evenings putting your hand on hot cooker rings, burning your flesh, and we all told you to get away from the cooker and never go near it again, would your first thought be “Yes, but... what am I going to do if I don’t have the cooker?” ???

That”s how insane your thought processes are right now.  Trust me - I know crazy.  You think what your saying makes sense but you’re inside the tornado.  We’re not, we can be truly objective.

The bottom line here is this....  and these are the cold hard FACTS:

• This woman is never going to treat you with the love, kindness and trust that are the fundamental principles of any normal relationship.
• There is only one direction this is going - down.  Her behaviour will not get better - it will only get worse - ultimately culminating in god only knows what...  At best a life of subservient misery for you...  at worst, a slab in the hospital morgue with twenty-eight stab wounds.
• You are complicit in maintaining her disturbed state of mind by allowing it to continue with no negative consequences for her.  By remaining in this toxic relationship, you are preventing her from becoming a normal person and finding her own peace.  Once you are free, she will be too and like a child that gets corrected when throwing a tantrum, her next boyfriend will nip that in the bud (unless he’s a doormat).  Right now you are like the parent that tries to placate a bratty child by giving into it every time!  The child in that scenario has no respect for the parent, and she has no respect, nor ever will, for you.  You are incompatible as people.  Nothing can change that.
• If you’re still considering staying, get help.  See a counsellor, because your thinking processes are completely screwed up.

monquixote

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said better, but just wanted to join the chorus of people saying get out.

Toxic people don't change.

Maybe try and join some clubs or a jam night or something. Keeping the loneliness at bay seems like the key to getting out and staying out.

boogieman

I left my ex after years of misery. It wasn’t as bad as the OPs situation but there wasn’t any love left in the relationship. We had teenage kids at the time and that kept us together, when in hindsight that wasn’t a great idea for any of us. I eventually decided that enough was enough and we had a frank conversation, after which I eventually moved out to a flat on my own. I was scared shitless as I hadn’t been on my own for 20 odd years, but it was actually a massive relief. You will have to revise your habits and social life to make sure you don’t just end up sitting indoors watching tv all the time. Once you get proactive though you’ll be much happier. 

I met the woman who eventually became my new wife after a couple of years and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been now. Ending a bad relationship isn’t the end of the world: you can make it the beginning of something better, but only you can make that happen. 

Nitefly

I wonder what she'd say if you asked her to read this thread?

guitarfishbay

Nitefly said:

I wonder what she'd say if you asked her to read this thread?

Genuinely don’t think that would be wise.

She clearly thinks her behaviour is reasonable/justifiable so the opinions of strangers on the internet won’t change that. It’s more likely to kick off a huge argument.

Better to avoid that, accept they won’t change, and leave.

LuttiS

All in all just sounds like a horrible situation.. and i can understand the going back.. almost short term rose tinted nostalgia..

I think the loneliness is the thing that needs addressing. It's been established that you need to get out of there, but its the filling of the immediate time after that you need to fill so you won't feel the need to go back..

Maybe book a last minute holiday or something? Singles tours if you wanted, or just anywhere you wanted to go if your happy to travel on your own. 
Or if that's not your thing, get on a dating app or something and just get out straight away, it probably won't go anywhere but it will be different and potentially open your eyes to something new and you'll realise how good things could be. 


Hope you get it sorted. 

darthed1981

Emp_Fab said:

Anyway, back to the OP...   You have every single person here screaming at you to get the fuck out of that insane relationship, and your posts in between are coming back with, basically, “yes, but....  what am I going to do if I leave her...  I get lonely and bored and I can’t x,y & z etc etc”.  You clearly have no real love for each other - your ‘love’ for her included if your primary thought is “what am I going to fill the void with?”

To follow Emp's wise "tough love" approach here OP, you have sort of let go through your posts...

- The lady in question is not bad looking.

- You are 53

- You have no idea what to do when you are by yourself...

So you sound like you are, sorry, but being deliberately harsh...

- Being a bit shallow and lacking in self-esteem (I might not find another good looking one)

- You need a hobby, wihle simultaneously on a forum dedicated to a hobby.

So my advice...

- End the terrible relationship and deal with your self-esteem problem before looking for a new one.

- If music doesn't do it for you any more, try something else.  Get a Netflix subscription, watch videos on Youtube.

lasermonkey

To the OP- what you have described is classic BPD behaviour. Have a google of Borderline Personality Disorder, Splitting and Gaslighting and see if these terms are familiar to you.

I've seen these people in action and what they do to their partners. It's scary just how much they can undermine their partners and, despite the abuse (and it is abuse) they make their partners feel alone, helpless and dependent through clever manipulation. Sane, rational people will go back to their partners time and time again. It's difficult for people not involved to understand but until you recognise the signs of BPD, it's easy to dismiss their victims as being weak or foolish.

They're not.

What you need to realise is that you cannot fix her behaviour. It will never get better until she has psychiatric help, and even then, it's not a given.

However hard it may seem, and it's obvious that you care deeply for your partner, this destructive relationship is unhealthy and dangerous. Summon up all your strength and extricate yourself from her life. It is not your fault, no matter how many times you'll have been told it is.

By the way, I'm no expert on BPD, although I've seen it in action, what it does to people and have had many long and interesting conversations with victims and a psychiatric nurse about the subject.

I wish you all the best.

BBBlues

You NEED to plan a new daily routine without her. The only reason she is still in your life is because you're "stairing at 4 walls" when you're not with her.

Questions:

1) What do you usually do in the evening when you're not with her?

2) Do you / can you do regular exercise in the evenings?

3) What hobbies do you / would you like to do that involve interacting with other people? Your focus needs to be spending time with other people

4) Do you have time or capacity to help others / volunteer / input positively into other people's lives less fortunate than yours?

5) Keep a journal of, things that went well in the day, things that were hard, things you are looking forward to, goals, targets aims.

6) What's your living situation like? Put time into making your house feel clean, tidy and an enjoyable place to be. A messy home can really drag you down.

7) How long do you spend sitting scrolling through social media? This will make you feel even more alone, seeing other people put their best superficial photos online of how good their life is will not help.

8) Have you got any pets? Are you a dog person?

Bottom line. This is your life. If you don't put energy into getting out of this rut, no one else will.

TimmyO

I was in A band with a drummer whose partner was like this. He'd often have his step-daughter in tow (14 at the time) - it turned out because the partner had sent her along to make sure he really WAS going to a rehearsal.
I assumed initially that he'd misbehaved in the past or something but it turned out she was the serial
Cheat. 

I felt really bad for him. 

I'd echo what others have said - just remove her from Your life 

57Deluxe

she must have fantastic tits then...??

joneve

IvanMC said:

mark123 said:

She has got a temper 0 to 100 in seconds ,she went mad with me for falling asleep on the sofa watching the tv with her..I'd been on earlys all week getting up at 5.00am finishing at 4pm  and she was mad with me for dozing off ,took her to dublin for a long weekend i payed for everything, she went in the huff because the hotel room had no windows ,i said its only somewhere to sleep ,have a shower ,we havent got to live here, but no, she went in the huff ..whole weekend was ruined..their are loads more jaw dropping stories i could tell you ..

Again, this looks like a clear case of Borderline Personality Disorder. You might feel addicted to her, as it were, and that's why you find it massively tough to jilt her. Let me have a go at guessing: flawless beginning, super sweet and charming, then intense mood swings, mind-blowing shags, extreme fear of abandonment, among other features?

To be fair, my wife does this (moans at me for falling asleep on the sofa), but probably with good reason as "if you're tired, why the fuck don't you just go to bed, you bellend"...she's got a point. Plus I'll occasionally say "i'll be up in a minute", and then wake up on the sofa at 3am with a crick in my neck...  

My point is, nodding off on the sofa after a long day at work is fine and your g/f's reaction, is completely over blown. Yes, be slightly annoyed if you do it ALL THE FUCKING TIME (like I do), but to get full on angry is ridiculous. 

Sounds like you need to get out quick.

IF you're worried about being lonely, there are hobbies you could start, groups you can join to keep yourself active. Or get a dog - will force you to get out and walk twice a day (Which is good for you) and they are the best companions. 

crunchman

If your work allows, I'd recommend a dog.  Obviously unfair to a dog if you have to leave it locked in for 10 hours while you are at work.

We tend to look after my brother-in-law's dog when they go on holiday.  Walking it can be very therapeutic.

You need to get to the point where you are happy single before you will be happy in a relationship.

Shrews

Although I love dogs and have one myself, I would say that you shouldn't get one - yet.  Once you become single and start to discover yourself a little bit, you may find that you want to travel or do other stuff that doesn't involve a dog.

Equally, a dog really shouldn't be left alone all day, fine if you work 5 minutes away and can get home at lunchtime.  It's doable but not great for the dog.

Get a dog when you're in a loving relationship and when one of you can perhaps devote some time to it but until then find other interests that involve 'people' to keep the loneliness at bay.

axisus

Sorry not read all the thread (hey, I am at work you know!) but seriously, leave that relationship! It seems to be a common human trait that people stay with something bad (relationships, jobs etc), but almost universally when those people do eventually cut loose they are so much happier and wish they had done it sooner. 

Find someone new. Do it!

Emp_Fab

P.S. - if you do get a dog, get a cute one.  Next to a plaster-cast and crutches, a cute dog is the best fanny-magnet known to man.

fob

She's not the problem - you are. Or rather, you have the problem - it sounds like you have some issues of your own regarding making and maintaining relationships.

There also seems to be a difference between your perception of your ability to form/keep positive relationships and your actual ability. You have met and maintained a relationship with this woman, however malignant, and also seem to have a few friends that you spend time with. OK, you don't see your friends everyday but not many adults do.

Performing some armchair psychology on a man I've never met and have only ever read a few lines of on this website, I'd say you might still be struggling with the loss of your dad and the loneliness that comes with being an orphan (even in your 50s). If you didn't have a loving partner to help you through that at the time then I imagine that grieving process can become very protracted, maybe even unending.

A lot of people have suggested that your partner needs counselling (and it sounds like they're right) but I'd suggest you get some. By counselling, I mean, simply, someone you can talk these things through with - a sounding board and no more. Just laying these things out in the open can help you get some perspective.

I'd also suggest joining a real-world group of some sort: maybe look at a site like https://www.meetup.com/ and see if there is anything that takes your fancy, join a band, start a band, 5K park run groups etc - you get the idea.

At the end of it - you are the one required to take action here - you!

I genuinely wish you all the best.

digitalscream

Emp_Fab said:

P.S. - if you do get a dog, get a cute one.  Next to a plaster-cast and crutches, a cute dog is the best fanny-magnet known to man.

Not only that, but a well-balanced dog is often a better judge of character than the human it lives with...which could be useful in this case

paulads

You're a smashing fella, with a great job, plenty of friends and impeccable taste in music :-)

I'd probably take a break from birds, if I were you...i often used to just go without when I was younger. Then again, I'm happy in my own company, which doesn't suit everyone.

Come along and see the band again soon...it'll be great to see you. We're playing a gig for Tom in a couple of weeks time in Sunderland, if you fancy that?  And feel free to drop me a line any time at all. 

Good luck!