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Devastating News
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I must continue this story, just as I've started it.
Getting the call on my birthday to say that she got a hospice space was the best birthday present I could have got because believe me, I could not have handled what happened in the hospice. The timing also couldn't have been "better" because she wanted to stay at home as long as possible, which she did. I have no regrets about her going to hospice.
She literally held out until my Birthday, it truly was heroic. And for any comments saying how well I handled this, let me tell you that truly, Sheena was a better person. Ten times better. We did all this together the last 8 months in particular. Knowing what would happen to her. And she's left us with little to organise because she did most things in advance. I'll miss that care and love.
She was initially in a shared ward but was shortly moved to a single room in it with a bed where I could sleep, as I think I wrote before. This was good because I was up most of the time and able to ring the buzzer to get her painkiller and tell them things they didn't know about where her pain was and how injectible worked better on her. They increased the syringe driver the following day.
I wont go into details but it was long and drawn out (7-8 hours). Several times we were told it might be only an hour left for her and we would cry only to find that her strength continued (I wish she'd have let go sooner) and be told the same thing later on. An event occurred which only I witnessed and let me tell you, it was horrifying. I'm sorry, but it was. Anything you could imagine in a film relating to the horror of cancer, couldn't match this (I never read it online and wouldn't want to, though they said it sometimes happens - I do not recommend anybody in this situation to read about it). But the nurses told me she was so sedated (oxynorm plus relaxant plus muscle injections) she wouldn't feel anything. Certainly, her face didn't show it, though she made noises I wont forget throughout the whole time. I wont say anymore about all that except that I could not have handled it at home, and the nurses did a brilliant job. However, it there was ever a point you would want somebody to pass away, it was before all this... there was no dignity or glory or any reason needed to go through all that. I can only hope that I did Sheena proud regarding pain control and that she wasn't aware of these things or could feel them. It really was the horror of cancer at the end, not the silent passing I thought it might be. Oh Sheena, I hope you were not aware of any of that. She did her best until the very end. Made it to my birthday. My only solace is that despite the process itself having taken a long time in terms of hours, she only lived one more day after my birthday - she was tired of it all. "A lot of nonsense," she would say... "just get it over and done with."
Her son came though left at 4pm or so. An hour later the nurses told us it wouldn't be long (though it eventually occurred at 9:30pm) so I called him and asked if he wanted to come back, but he said he'd made his peace and would continue back home. The rest of us stayed the long night. When it happened, I just found it difficult to react. I was up for so long, exhausted emotionally and physically. I held her hand right until the end. I kissed and cuddled her. Family told me to get a taxi instead of take my car, so I stayed on as they went. I sat in that room and spoke to her and kissed and cuddled her, trying to find something profound to say. I left at 1:30am with the rings that were on her fingers.
I cried when I woke up. I'm crying now. There's an absolute vacuum in my life. The loneliness is cataclysmic. What the f^&* am I supposed to do now? I came back to the house with the girls sleeping, opened the door to the living room and saw the empty hospital bed. I can't believe she's gone. People have spoke of true love - that is what this was. What it is and will always be. The worst part now is that Sheena would always be the one I could hold hands with and cuddle (we're big cuddlers) but I don't have that. It doesn't matter how many people are here for support. I don't have that physical connection with her anymore. I'm so alone in this regard.
I'd better go downstairs. Her youngest is out telling her friends. Her autistic daughter wasn't registering. I have to face the day.
I wish it was me and not Sheena.
My YouTube Channel
If there was a God, he must have brought us together.
It was very likely Sheena had the cancer since I met her. We made a beautiful ten years together. Honestly, the best. And now I'm here for her daughters. Like some sort of handover. The "timing" has been "good" throughout it would seem.
My YouTube Channel
Now it's time to do what you feel is right for yourself and not try to live up to the expectations of others. You loved Sheena, she loved you and that's all that matters. You'll never forget her and she'll live on in the memories of those she touched.
Gone, but not forgotten. Now do what she would want you to do, and be as good a Dad as you were a husband. Make sure you give yourself some time to get your feelings together though whatever they are. They will be a rollercoaster no doubt.
Honestly, you have been an absolute star, the way you have dealt with all this.
(formerly miserneil)
*An Official Foo-Approved guitarist since Sept 2023.
If i can help in anyway, or you just want someone to talk to about stuff please message me. I won't intrude, i won't message you, but I went through similar, I felt empty initially, then the amount of arranging stuff takes over, but I still felt numb. It's like the world keeps going and it seems bizarre even going to the shops after what you've gone through, nobody knows what you're feeling and everything seems trivial. It changes though.
At some point talking about it really helps - i think what you've done on here, apart from being incredibly brave, will help you. It will also help a lot of people reading it.
I'm sure anyone on here will offer the same, but honestly if you feel you want to at some point, get in touch. For now just know you've done all you can to make things as easy as possible. You'll realise that without everybody needing to tell you, but it takes a while to sink in.
You’ve been a rock throughout this process. Take time out for yourself now and don’t be afraid to seek out any help you need to get through the next chapter.
All the best for you and your family.
There is nothing I can do, but I wish there was.
You both showed bravery that we can all aspire to.
You have been incredible. The support, care and love that you've given Sheena (and her daughters) over the months. It was clearly a terrible thing to have gone through, but they went through it with you, someone she clearly loved and who loved her back just as much, by her side every step, every day. I can't imagine how anyone could have done any more.
Whatever happens next will happen when you're ready for it. Don't over-think it, don't try to plan anything. It's the old "one foot in front of the other", getting through the basics of every day. At some point, life will move on, because that's what life does.
Please do rest. Properly. Completely. You need to look after yourself, take some time to grieve and to recover. Emotionally and physically, you must be drained. If you don't rest and recover now, your body and your mind will impose a rest on you, and that'll be harder to deal with. Rebuild your strength and energy.
Thank you for sharing this with us all, I hope its been of some help to you. If any of us can do anything at all ...
RIP Sheena, love to you Thomas. Look after yourself, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
RIP Sheena.
@thomasross20 I hope you find a way to grieve that helps you find a new normality that works for you. You've proven that you're a super human, take your time and that strength will shine through again.
We're all here for you. To chat, to listen, to help.
Love to you both.
The love you’ve shown for each other has been an inspiration for how to live and to focus on what’s important.
I am so sorry for your loss