Devastating News

thomasross20

For the sake of £1k or so, I just want it done and dusted, but they are taking the p!ss somewhat. 

I'll remember that about Brighton in case we are ever down that way, thanks!

Yeah it's so so so crap I can't come back to give Sheena a cuddle and just be happy with her. Numb, anger, despair, tiredness. Anger! I gave Sheena my all. And I know I have the girls, and that's great, but it's different. And I've taken on huge responsibility. Which is fine. But I'm allowed to weep for myself, too, which is what I feel like doing. I'm not adjusting well getting back into work and the commute, but then it's only been two days. It's really going back into a comfort blanket. Though I don't feel comforted and feel I haven't anything to look forward to or take joy in (spending time with the girls is good, though). I'm glad to have this outlet, being able to write here. Though totally obviously I miss bending Sheena's ear in the evening. I might drive out to see her tonight despite the dark, wind & rain.

guitars4you

I'm glad you've gone back to work - I'm sure it can't be easy and I dare say you might not want to even be there - But hopefully it will distract you, even for a short while and help to put some prospective back into life, in that like it or not, most of us have to work to live - Hopefully it will get better and a few chats after work with a beer or two with any colleagues  won't do any harm etc - It won't get better overnight and good memories will never fade away, but sitting at home is not the answer either - Build it back up a bit at a time, in your own time as you are content to do so - No hurry

Unfortunately Christmas is now here and I know it won't be easy - I was talking with my dad the other day about it - My mum died in mid Sept (1986), so quite close to Christmas - My dad's best man's wife just died 2 weeks ago and he was talking with me about how 'shit' that first Christmas was - And how 31 years later he still recalls that first 'lonely' Christmas - So be prepared - I'm sure you are but don't 'sulk' at home on your own feeling lonely and sorry for yourself - Have your moment by all means but try and be positive and busy

thomasross20

All I want to do this Christmas is sit in on my own, get a Chinese and look at pics & vids of the last ten years.

Managed to sell her car today. Sad to see it go but the sales guy at Arnold Clark (!) was actually decent and didn't get completely ripped off. There's a plaque on a cat pen at the local shelter (will try to get a pic of it) due to the funeral donations , so will try to go see that. Bunch of other stuff happening. Got the final house snags done. Traffic today was a nightmare, 2hr 30m total ugh. Work was ok first half of day. For no reason got angry again tonight. Got some odd-shaped photos delivered for a while bunch of frames I have - one for the desk at work. 

Apologies as not on too much of late and I feel all I have time for us to update this thread. Will hopefully be a better participant in future months. 

Sorry about your dad's best man's wife  was it cancer?

A few more folk have said give it time in order to move on. But I don't know what "move on" means. I don't want to move on or forget or ever let her memory fade.

BloodEagle

Stay frosty buddy,  anyones elses opinion on what or how and when you should feel anything is irrelevant - just do and think whatever feels right to you

Kalimna

I think, from having my dad die in his early 50's when i was in my early 20's, that to 'move on' is not one thing. It does not mean to forget nor does it mean to let feelings fade. But what happens is that the tears do fade, and when things remind you of Sheena, they do so with a happiness for the time you had together and not the sadness of her illness. Its hard to write sincerely on a guitar forum, and perhaps 'move on' can sound cliched, but it remains another aspect of grieving.
Take your time, and your own company whenever you need it, but remember there are many people around you to help also.

Adam

frictionfraction

Hi. I lost my wife to cancer in April this year at the age of 50 after a 3 year battle with cancer and a 28 year great marriage.  It’s now been 8 months.  I would not want to tell anyone else how they will feel but I can say how I feel. For me it has got better. At the beginning it was grief, anger and some relief that it was all over. Then depression about the future and worry that I could not remember her properly.  Gradually as I realised the grief which was for me and my loss begun to lessen I found I could think and talk about her more.  

Friends and acquaintances naturally quickly move on with their lives and forgot a bit - some are great some are not. That’s life.  My daughters are my main support and that is great. I talk to them about stuff that I never thought I would and this is reciprocated. They are the most important thing.

Ive now decided to dip my toe back in the relationship waters and it has been fun and interesting. I loved my wife but it’s time to start moving on and that is what she wanted for me.

There is no manual for this, no right way or wrong way, I just want to live life, laugh, have companionship again and remember that I have been lucky enough to have loved and been loved by someone special. 

thomasross20

Thanks guys - and @frictionfraction ; I'm so sorry!! 28 years wow ! May I ask what type of cancer and did she choose hospice in the end? I also talk to the girls a lot, though they don't like talking about their mum. Yet, anyway.

8 months , almost a year or around 1% of your life. I can't say what I'll do in future but I told her I'd never find anybody else. I do feel I like to get out and meet people , though.. sitting in to play guitar in my own isn't lighting a fire inside me anymore/right now. 

Really appreciate your views/story etc - as I do everybody's, of course. Did you consider any sort of grief counseling?

guitars4you

thomasross20 said:

 

Sorry about your dad's best man's wife  was it cancer?

Yes cancer and again the last day or so was very unpleasant as we've discussed before - doesn't make it better I know but at 83 a decent innings and a good life - but still leaves a gaping hole

frictionfraction

Sarah had ovarian cancer and she had 7 weeks in hospice care.   I had one counselling session but it was not really for me   I did sit at home a lot at the beginning but now have probably gone too far the other way and am never in.   I found that getting back into a fitness regime was hard but really helped 

mattdavis

So sorry you guys have had to go through all this. I'm lucky to have not directly experienced this but in my job I look after people very frequently going through this journey. My impression is that you don't 'move on' so much as adjust to what is a new reality. It's more a process of learning to accommodate that person's physical absence rather than drawing a line under it and starting a new phase, separate to the previous one. Hope that makes some sense. 
What I am sure about is that there is no right or wrong way of doing this, and it can take people very different lengths of time to adjust - and you should feel free to experience this in your own way and at your own pace. 
Best wishes guys

thomasross20

guitars4you said:

thomasross20 said:

 

Sorry about your dad's best man's wife  was it cancer?

Yes cancer and again the last day or so was very unpleasant as we've discussed before - doesn't make it better I know but at 83 a decent innings and a good life - but still leaves a gaping hole

Sorry I remember..!! My mind's just gone to sh!t

DLM

Taking the idea of sharing experiences to better deal with life I chanced on this earlier on Meryl Streep's Wiki page and thought of you, Tiggs:

Streep lived with actor John Cazale for three years until his death from lung cancer in March 1978. Streep said of his death, "I didn't get over it. I don't want to get over it. No matter what you do, the pain is always there in some recess of your mind, and it affects everything that happens afterwards. I think you can assimilate the pain and go on without making an obsession of it."

guitars4you

frictionfraction said:

Hi. I lost my wife to cancer in April this year at the age of 50 after a 3 year battle with cancer and a 28 year great marriage.  It’s now been 8 months.  I would not want to tell anyone else how they will feel but I can say how I feel. For me it has got better. At the beginning it was grief, anger and some relief that it was all over. Then depression about the future and worry that I could not remember her properly.  Gradually as I realised the grief which was for me and my loss begun to lessen I found I could think and talk about her more.  

Friends and acquaintances naturally quickly move on with their lives and forgot a bit - some are great some are not. That’s life.  My daughters are my main support and that is great. I talk to them about stuff that I never thought I would and this is reciprocated. They are the most important thing.

Ive now decided to dip my toe back in the relationship waters and it has been fun and interesting. I loved my wife but it’s time to start moving on and that is what she wanted for me.

There is no manual for this, no right way or wrong way, I just want to live life, laugh, have companionship again and remember that I have been lucky enough to have loved and been loved by someone special. 

very sorry to hear - My dad was 51 and my mum just a few weeks short of 50 when she died - My dad was lucky in that the friendship group was common to both and he was well supported by friends plus family - We worked together at the time in the family music business (with my mum as well) so we pulled through easily enough - My dad stated quite early on that he never expected to have another relationship again - Not sure where that thought pattern came from, maybe his 51 years of age - However a year later he was asked to go to party with a widowed lady - purely as friends as everyone else there was a couple - Most knew each other, so it was never a date - Another year later and they married - Time has moved on and my dad has now been married to his 2nd wife longer than first - He never expected it but both are happy and it is great news for him - So a nice happy ending - Goes to show you never know

MrBump

thomasross20 said:

8 months , almost a year or around 1% of your life. 

Blimey, I'd never thought about 8 months in those terms!!!

:0

NelsonP

Hi Thomas,

A mate of mine died suddenly a few years back, leaving behind his wife and 2 young girls. 

She has documented her journey as a widow in a blog. You can read it here.
https://widowsdontwearblack.com

Everyone seems to experience grief in different ways but I'm sure much of what you are experiencing is completely normal for someone who has lost their partner.

Have a read of her blog. It's very open and honest and may help you...

thomasross20

I'll read that and reply to recent replies when I get the chance. Feel I've so little time having started back at work. 

I'm getting my ashes next to Sheena when I die but for those who go on to other relationships I wonder how they decide what happens to their own remains later down the line (split ashes?)..  just something that popped into my head ..!!!

Cabicular

I’ll be dead it doesn’t matter

Cabicular

It’s a bit nihilistic but I’ve never attached much significance to remains
probably because I have no kids and am painfully practical about almost everything

thomasross20

Must admit I feel very strongly I should be on Sheena's headstone and be put in there with her. Even though I'm not religious. Never noticed the time, best get to sleep for work tomorrow.

Read 5 of those blog posts

guitars4you

thomasross20 said:

I'll read that and reply to recent replies when I get the chance. Feel I've so little time having started back at work. 

I'm getting my ashes next to Sheena when I die but for those who go on to other relationships I wonder how they decide what happens to their own remains later down the line (split ashes?)..  just something that popped into my head ..!!!

my dad always said he will be with my mum - and his new wife will be with her first husband