Devastating News

underdog

thomasross20 said:

I'll always love Sheena until my last breath (as dramatic as that sounds, I know the last thing on my mind will be looking forward to seeing her again). Thank you! 

Honest man, I have issues I struggle to deal with every day, I mean I really find it hard to get out of bed and even harder to wish I don't wake up in the morning when I go to sleep, then i see you just being this amazing human, and working through everything while never ever losing his love for someone, it's spectacular for me to see.

thomasross20

I'm lucky to have experienced that with Sheena. I'm too young to have lost that, it does hurt and will for a long time. 
You going to the Huddersfield event? Christ, it's like event of the year for me And why not! Still deciding whether to go on the Sunday, as well, or not... will see..

Cheers for now!

thomasross20

So on Oct 27th I'll be 34 (jeezo...) and a day after that will be a year since Sheena passed away. 

It actually feels like a year. I've done so much in that time... went on holiday with the girls, completed a stressful project at work, handled the estate, been to a few gigs, finally started picking my guitar up a little again etc etc. I've got my last Marie Curie session in a few weeks. 

I'm still having to handle some legalities due to some folks who let Sheena down and the specific issue (not allowed to mention) is a burden and responsibility. I could easily walk away and "live my life" (whatever that means) but I'm honour-bound to do the right thing. 

Things are pretty lonely, especially when the girls are out and I'm on my own (alone - and that's how it feels) in this house which is near nobody I really know. It's great having them in my life but it's hard to move on myself whilst staying true to them (e.g. the local autism services are good here so I can't just up and go, though at some point I realise I might have to move if work demands it).

You never move on - you only move forward and hold them in your heart. People forget what's happened and folk stop talking about that person. I "get through the days" but I feel I'm not really living the life I ought to.. but then I'm not going to quit my job in pursuit of rock stardom or move to some island and paint boats like Andy Dufresne. I have this general apathy where I can't be bothered doing anything and really have to push myself. Interests wane. I also joined a "widowed and young" group and have monthly written correspondence with an old friend of Sheena's who lost her son to cancer. It's nice to read and write hand-written letters.

Hell, I need to get out. However, as above... apathy! At the start, I was keen to talk to people about every aspect of what happened but admittedly, it hurts to think back on what's happened now. Still haven't gone through her drawers / clothing etc. 

I look forward to my birthday because it will be the first of four birthday cards she has left me that I can open and read. 

Before I met Sheena I could easily be content in and of myself and fill my time. Now it's all a bit bland. Come December I'll make my annual Marie Curie donation as they were outstanding. 

Well, I'd better get off my ass and maybe try to get out of the house but heaven knows what I'll do. Saturday night and nowhere to go and nobody to visit! 

underdog

Thought are with you as always Thomas, when you said it's been a year I thought Christ that's gone fast, but I can imagine that it doesn't feel that way to you 

I'm not sure the way you feel is wrong, I'd imagine that with the love you both had for each other the grieving will continue all your life, but you will adapt and "cope" for want of a better word. Sheena would be proud of you a year on, you've never let her down or broke your word to her.

Paul_C

Take care, time generally makes things easier and while it might still be tough right now it won't always be that way.

richardhomer

Oddly enough @thomasross20, I was thinking the other day I’ve not seen you on here for a bit....

I think you’re doing pretty well - you’re doing the right thing by Sheena’s children. For reasons you’ll fully understand - I admire you for that.

Hope the birthday’s ok - you deserve ‘some’ level of joy in your life. Feeling ‘normal’ will take a while. You’re a sterling human being. Deep respect to you.

fendergibson

Hi mate. I echo the above, deep respect. 

There are are no smart words to say, nothing can be added to all the advice given in this thread over the past year. 

I think the bit about you ‘ staying true ‘ to the kids is admirable, but wouldn’t expect anything less from you. Dunno how you’re fixed etc but those kids will follow you anywhere now fella, autism services are getting a lot better and say in Mcr where I live they are second to none. 

Maybe a move to somewhere else WOULD be good for you all, if you lived round here I’d befriend you immediately and you’d have a friend for going out, staying in, moaning to, laughing with etc etc. I’m not just being kind, I’m serious.

You can’t change your past but you can change your future - I’m sure lots of people who have contributed to this thread all feel the same. 

When you are ready - push the boat out - and you’ll find a port matey. 

Im 48 today, slowly getting pissed, been out with mates, back again, having a good time. When you get to my age you’ll be doing the same. Just make sure you do whatever it takes to get there. God bless 

joeyowen

Thoughts are with you mate, I really don't know what to say

From my perspective (albeit guitar forum) you appear to have handled everything as well as you can, with integrity in your decisions.  Well done for that.  

Do try and get out, open mic nights etc 

Shrews

@thomasross20 ;

Well, being relatively new to this forum, I've only just come across this thread and I'm going to give it a good read over the next week, because I'm sure there's lots of help and advice on offer here and over the next few months I think I'm going to need it.  I will blurt out my own story below and we'll go from there

I met my partner Denise in 2009 when she returned to the UK. I had known her from a previous job and we got together after our two previous relationships had failed. Did the stuff all couples do I suppose and eventually moved in together.

She'd had breast cancer before I knew her and had beaten that off, but in 2013, after 7 years clear, it returned in her spine. We'd gone on holiday to Devon and slept on a pretty terrible bed for a week, both returning home with backache. Mine went, hers didn't.  She left it until after Christmas before going to the doctors, sent for tests, got invited in (no shit, with an answerphone message asking her to go to the 'tumour clinic').

There she was diagnosed with incurable breast cancer that had metastasised to her spine. The only thing they could do was treat the symptoms to stop it spreading.

Radio followed on her spine.

Seemed to do ok for a year, no need for chemo, but obviously took a number of different tablets to keep it under control 

In 2014 after developing a cough, a scan revealed it had returned in her lung and liver.  Eight doses of pretty terrible chemo followed.

Following the 8th she had some complications (it was late November - cough and cold time), couldn't breathe, so was rushed into hospital. They tried to drain her lung but it needed more specialist treatment and then (and only after I kicked off) did they realise that they had not only drained the wrong lung, but they'd also caused it to collapse too.  When I saw her she was blue and was basically breathing through her cancerous lung. She was rushed to Stoke University hospital and luckily (very luckily) they managed to sort both lungs (it actually took three days to drain the crap from her cancerous lung).

A few weeks later approaching Christmas, she was like a completely different person!

We got confirmation over the next few months that her lung cancer had disappeared and although still present in her liver, it was under control. She then took various hormonal tablets to keep her cancer marker in the safe zone.  However, over time, one of the tablets gave her some serious side effects which caused numbness in her face.

Various appointments followed, Maxfax, bone surgeons and even the dentist, but none could get a grip on it (none considered it was just the side effects of the one tablet). Then because it was going around in circles and symptoms getting worse, she then went for a head and brain scan.

They discovered a tumour, in her brain.  Unbelievably, the brain tumour discovery was a complete fluke, the tumour was nothing to do with her face (completely different nerve system), but the brain specialist knew it was the tablets instantly (how come these people don't talk to one another?) She was taken off the tablets and within a very short space of time, the numbness left her face.

On the night of the Brexit vote, Denise had her tumour removed at Stoke hospital. We had a codeword sentence that would tell me she was ok and had come through it without any severe damage caused 'In the zone'. The surgeon came to tell me that she was 'in the zone' and I knew it had been a success. Five days later she was back at home. Brain tumour beaten, cancer marker went back down to the safe zone.

Eventually, it crept back up again, she ran out of hormonal treatments and oncologist told the best treatment was a different type of chemo. It was still on drip but only required a 15 minute treatment on a two week on, one week off basis.  She had 26 doses before finding it too draining and her marker was starting to move up again too.

Two weeks ago we went to see the oncologist to discuss a plan to help her over the mental issues of the chemo (basically she'd had enough, didn't want to do it anymore). However, she'd also developed some blurred vision.

As soon as we mentioned the blurred vision, it was like the whole conversation changed, she was rushed in for an emergency MRI and unfortunately we got the news last week that the cancer had spread to her brain again, cerebellum and brain stem to be more precise.

This week, Wednesday, we got the full diagnosis. It is inoperable, no chemo will touch it and a life expectancy of just 8-12 weeks. She might be able to have full head radio but this will only relieve the symptoms (possible blindness, seizures, loss of feeling in her face). We're off to the oncologists again on Monday to discuss how this will all play out. We've started telling family and friends, but decided against telling them the timespan. We figured that it would be too upsetting if every time they saw her or spoke to her over the next few months that they would think it was the last.

She's actually doing ok. Tiredness in the main, but she's lay on the sofa watching X-Factor as I'm typing this and just made pizza for tea, but Christ knows what's really going on in her head.  I'm guessing all this can (and will) change very quickly.  I don't know if tomorrow, she'll be like today.  

We have a tough few months ahead. Yesterday we went to the funeral directors to organise and pay for her funeral. On Thursday morning I had tears in front of my boss and HR director, who told me to go home and look after her for as long as it takes. I thought my workplace was shit and had lost its soul over the last few years, but her response has restored it and I'm thankful for that.

Not sure why I'm writing this really. Seeking some help and advice maybe or just to have somewhere to go for some support if I need it with people who have been through it themselves. You talked about Marie Curie sessions which I didn't know anything about, so this thread has already alerted me to something that may help me.  I'm guessing I will be told all this stuff about support when we see the oncologist and clinical support specialist on Monday and although up to now I've felt I might be able to deal with it on my own, I'm thinking I made need some help as things progress.

richardhomer

@Shrews - thank you for sharing Denise’s and your story with us. Wish I could offer something worthwhile - all I can say is that I wish you both the very best that is possible under such difficult circumstances. I lost a sister to this terrible disease 20 years ago - and a friend last year - both were in their 50s. 

People on here can be very supportive - I hope the support you will doubtless receive will help in some way.....

fendergibson

Shrews said:

@thomasross20 ;

Well, being relatively new to this forum, I've only just come across this thread and I'm going to give it a good read over the next week, because I'm sure there's lots of help and advice on offer here and over the next few months I think I'm going to need it.  I will blurt out my own story below and we'll go from there

I met my partner Denise in 2009 when she returned to the UK. I had known her from a previous job and we got together after our two previous relationships had failed. Did the stuff all couples do I suppose and eventually moved in together.

She'd had breast cancer before I knew her and had beaten that off, but in 2013, after 7 years clear, it returned in her spine. We'd gone on holiday to Devon and slept on a pretty terrible bed for a week, both returning home with backache. Mine went, hers didn't.  She left it until after Christmas before going to the doctors, sent for tests, got invited in (no shit, with an answerphone message asking her to go to the 'tumour clinic').

There she was diagnosed with incurable breast cancer that had metastasised to her spine. The only thing they could do was treat the symptoms to stop it spreading.

Radio followed on her spine.

Seemed to do ok for a year, no need for chemo, but obviously took a number of different tablets to keep it under control 

In 2014 after developing a cough, a scan revealed it had returned in her lung and liver.  Eight doses of pretty terrible chemo followed.

Following the 8th she had some complications (it was late November - cough and cold time), couldn't breathe, so was rushed into hospital. They tried to drain her lung but it needed more specialist treatment and then (and only after I kicked off) did they realise that they had not only drained the wrong lung, but they'd also caused it to collapse too.  When I saw her she was blue and was basically breathing through her cancerous lung. She was rushed to Stoke University hospital and luckily (very luckily) they managed to sort both lungs (it actually took three days to drain the crap from her cancerous lung).

A few weeks later approaching Christmas, she was like a completely different person!

We got confirmation over the next few months that her lung cancer had disappeared and although still present in her liver, it was under control. She then took various hormonal tablets to keep her cancer marker in the safe zone.  However, over time, one of the tablets gave her some serious side effects which caused numbness in her face.

Various appointments followed, Maxfax, bone surgeons and even the dentist, but none could get a grip on it (none considered it was just the side effects of the one tablet). Then because it was going around in circles and symptoms getting worse, she then went for a head and brain scan.

They discovered a tumour, in her brain.  Unbelievably, the brain tumour discovery was a complete fluke, the tumour was nothing to do with her face (completely different nerve system), but the brain specialist knew it was the tablets instantly (how come these people don't talk to one another?) She was taken off the tablets and within a very short space of time, the numbness left her face.

On the night of the Brexit vote, Denise had her tumour removed at Stoke hospital. We had a codeword sentence that would tell me she was ok and had come through it without any severe damage caused 'In the zone'. The surgeon came to tell me that she was 'in the zone' and I knew it had been a success. Five days later she was back at home. Brain tumour beaten, cancer marker went back down to the safe zone.

Eventually, it crept back up again, she ran out of hormonal treatments and oncologist told the best treatment was a different type of chemo. It was still on drip but only required a 15 minute treatment on a two week on, one week off basis.  She had 26 doses before finding it too draining and her marker was starting to move up again too.

Two weeks ago we went to see the oncologist to discuss a plan to help her over the mental issues of the chemo (basically she'd had enough, didn't want to do it anymore). However, she'd also developed some blurred vision.

As soon as we mentioned the blurred vision, it was like the whole conversation changed, she was rushed in for an emergency MRI and unfortunately we got the news last week that the cancer had spread to her brain again, cerebellum and brain stem to be more precise.

This week, Wednesday, we got the full diagnosis. It is inoperable, no chemo will touch it and a life expectancy of just 8-12 weeks. She might be able to have full head radio but this will only relieve the symptoms (possible blindness, seizures, loss of feeling in her face). We're off to the oncologists again on Monday to discuss how this will all play out. We've started telling family and friends, but decided against telling them the timespan. We figured that it would be too upsetting if every time they saw her or spoke to her over the next few months that they would think it was the last.

She's actually doing ok. Tiredness in the main, but she's lay on the sofa watching X-Factor as I'm typing this and just made pizza for tea, but Christ knows what's really going on in her head.  I'm guessing all this can (and will) change very quickly.  I don't know if tomorrow, she'll be like today.  

We have a tough few months ahead. Yesterday we went to the funeral directors to organise and pay for her funeral. On Thursday morning I had tears in front of my boss and HR director, who told me to go home and look after her for as long as it takes. I thought my workplace was shit and had lost its soul over the last few years, but her response has restored it and I'm thankful for that.

Not sure why I'm writing this really. Seeking some help and advice maybe or just to have somewhere to go for some support if I need it with people who have been through it themselves. You talked about Marie Curie sessions which I didn't know anything about, so this thread has already alerted me to something that may help me.  I'm guessing I will be told all this stuff about support when we see the oncologist and clinical support specialist on Monday and although up to now I've felt I might be able to deal with it on my own, I'm thinking I made need some help as things progress.

Put this on a new thread too @Shrews - devastating news, peeps on here will be keen to chat/try and help in some way 

ourmaninthenorth

fendergibson said:

Shrews said:

@thomasross20 ;;;

Well, being relatively new to this forum, I've only just come across this thread and I'm going to give it a good read over the next week, because I'm sure there's lots of help and advice on offer here and over the next few months I think I'm going to need it.  I will blurt out my own story below and we'll go from there

I met my partner Denise in 2009 when she returned to the UK. I had known her from a previous job and we got together after our two previous relationships had failed. Did the stuff all couples do I suppose and eventually moved in together.

She'd had breast cancer before I knew her and had beaten that off, but in 2013, after 7 years clear, it returned in her spine. We'd gone on holiday to Devon and slept on a pretty terrible bed for a week, both returning home with backache. Mine went, hers didn't.  She left it until after Christmas before going to the doctors, sent for tests, got invited in (no shit, with an answerphone message asking her to go to the 'tumour clinic').

There she was diagnosed with incurable breast cancer that had metastasised to her spine. The only thing they could do was treat the symptoms to stop it spreading.

Radio followed on her spine.

Seemed to do ok for a year, no need for chemo, but obviously took a number of different tablets to keep it under control 

In 2014 after developing a cough, a scan revealed it had returned in her lung and liver.  Eight doses of pretty terrible chemo followed.

Following the 8th she had some complications (it was late November - cough and cold time), couldn't breathe, so was rushed into hospital. They tried to drain her lung but it needed more specialist treatment and then (and only after I kicked off) did they realise that they had not only drained the wrong lung, but they'd also caused it to collapse too.  When I saw her she was blue and was basically breathing through her cancerous lung. She was rushed to Stoke University hospital and luckily (very luckily) they managed to sort both lungs (it actually took three days to drain the crap from her cancerous lung).

A few weeks later approaching Christmas, she was like a completely different person!

We got confirmation over the next few months that her lung cancer had disappeared and although still present in her liver, it was under control. She then took various hormonal tablets to keep her cancer marker in the safe zone.  However, over time, one of the tablets gave her some serious side effects which caused numbness in her face.

Various appointments followed, Maxfax, bone surgeons and even the dentist, but none could get a grip on it (none considered it was just the side effects of the one tablet). Then because it was going around in circles and symptoms getting worse, she then went for a head and brain scan.

They discovered a tumour, in her brain.  Unbelievably, the brain tumour discovery was a complete fluke, the tumour was nothing to do with her face (completely different nerve system), but the brain specialist knew it was the tablets instantly (how come these people don't talk to one another?) She was taken off the tablets and within a very short space of time, the numbness left her face.

On the night of the Brexit vote, Denise had her tumour removed at Stoke hospital. We had a codeword sentence that would tell me she was ok and had come through it without any severe damage caused 'In the zone'. The surgeon came to tell me that she was 'in the zone' and I knew it had been a success. Five days later she was back at home. Brain tumour beaten, cancer marker went back down to the safe zone.

Eventually, it crept back up again, she ran out of hormonal treatments and oncologist told the best treatment was a different type of chemo. It was still on drip but only required a 15 minute treatment on a two week on, one week off basis.  She had 26 doses before finding it too draining and her marker was starting to move up again too.

Two weeks ago we went to see the oncologist to discuss a plan to help her over the mental issues of the chemo (basically she'd had enough, didn't want to do it anymore). However, she'd also developed some blurred vision.

As soon as we mentioned the blurred vision, it was like the whole conversation changed, she was rushed in for an emergency MRI and unfortunately we got the news last week that the cancer had spread to her brain again, cerebellum and brain stem to be more precise.

This week, Wednesday, we got the full diagnosis. It is inoperable, no chemo will touch it and a life expectancy of just 8-12 weeks. She might be able to have full head radio but this will only relieve the symptoms (possible blindness, seizures, loss of feeling in her face). We're off to the oncologists again on Monday to discuss how this will all play out. We've started telling family and friends, but decided against telling them the timespan. We figured that it would be too upsetting if every time they saw her or spoke to her over the next few months that they would think it was the last.

She's actually doing ok. Tiredness in the main, but she's lay on the sofa watching X-Factor as I'm typing this and just made pizza for tea, but Christ knows what's really going on in her head.  I'm guessing all this can (and will) change very quickly.  I don't know if tomorrow, she'll be like today.  

We have a tough few months ahead. Yesterday we went to the funeral directors to organise and pay for her funeral. On Thursday morning I had tears in front of my boss and HR director, who told me to go home and look after her for as long as it takes. I thought my workplace was shit and had lost its soul over the last few years, but her response has restored it and I'm thankful for that.

Not sure why I'm writing this really. Seeking some help and advice maybe or just to have somewhere to go for some support if I need it with people who have been through it themselves. You talked about Marie Curie sessions which I didn't know anything about, so this thread has already alerted me to something that may help me.  I'm guessing I will be told all this stuff about support when we see the oncologist and clinical support specialist on Monday and although up to now I've felt I might be able to deal with it on my own, I'm thinking I made need some help as things progress.

Put this on a new thread too @Shrews - devastating news, peeps on here will be keen to chat/try and help in some way 

I second that.

Shrews

One thing I have learned in life is that people can have horrendous problems to deal with that go unseen by others. See a chap who is angry and it's easy to dismiss him as a fcking idiot or a miserable cow at work who needs to lighten up or someone who does a piss poor job. In my experience and in my job I'm lucky enough to get to talk to and know many people. Virtually everyone who has appeared difficult in some way has had some personal difficulties.

Many years ago, I was responsible for a guy who continually let me down. I showed a lot of anger towards him, didn't want him as part of my team, you know, the usual crap involved in the workplace.  When I got to know the guy a little better I found out the poor guy had just gone through a  still birth and it taught me a lesson to find out more about people before judging them.

One of the great things about the internet is that people with problems can find others who've been through the same and whether it's done by PM or through an open forum then any help can be invaluable. The fact that this thread even exists is already helping me in some way and I give thanks to ThomasRoss20 for having the bottle to go out there and tell the world his news, which I can tell has been devastating for him.

Nitefly

Wow.

First of all, Tigger, thanks for getting back in touch with us.  I can hardly believe it's almost a year - I'll wish you an early "happy birthday", although I'm sure the happy will be tinged with sadness.  There aren't many days go by when I don't think about you and Sheena.

@Shrews - I hope things go as well as they can for you and your Denise; there is a lot in this thread in which I hope you'll both find some comfort and possibly inspiration. 

I will say this: there are hopeful outcomes for and from those that are afflicted with this wretched scourge of a disease.  My former employer was diagnosed with inoperable prostate cancer and was given 36 months maximum.  He decided to devote whatever time he had left to raising awareness, and raising funds for research. 

He also agreed to trial a new drug - not only has it given him 2 years beyond the initial prognosis (and counting!), but he got the fantastic news last week that the drug he has trialled has now been accepted by NICE, so will now be available to all.

My thoughts and best wishes to you all.

thomasross20

Well I ended up going to see "Halloween" on my own, which was decent if not stellar. Read these messages afterward and it literally brought tears to my eyes. Almost like jumping back in time a year, if that makes sense. Thanks, as ever, for all your kind words.

I think a move would be good but we only just got this house which has Sheena's stamp all over it and it'd be too much for me. It's funny how I've seen how precious and short life can be but haven't made any big changes. It's risk management, really - if I live to be old I want to make sure I'm not poor so I guess I'd best keep working doing what I'm doing. But if I don't live to be old, I'd probably regret going back to the same old routine. I think if there were no children involved I might have upped and left to get away from it all and try something new. Every week without fail I put flowers on her grave and I'm glad to honour her wishes, especially regarding the girls (though the awkwardness of others means it really puts a pressure on me - some people!). 

@Shrews I sent you a brief PM and will follow up. I'm very sorry to hear your story there

DiscoStu

Hey Thomas. Good to see you posting here again.
I can only guess how tough a year you've had, but from how you've talked about it I think you've done Sheena proud and more to the point you've done yourself a damn good job too.

You will always be in the girls' hearts and lives. Don't be in a hurry to move from the house you bought together but also don't let it be a burden if you need to change to move your life forward.
My sister has lived in my parents' house for over 40 years, my mum died in 2000 and my dad 2005 and just this month she's finally got the house on the market and has put in an offer on a new place. Point being that she has felt that she couldn't leave the 'family' home despite her living there alone due to memories, routine, knowing nothing else; don't let yourself get caught in that hole if it's not what you want.
You got that house for Sheena and she loved it.

You are a good man and we all salute you. At some point you will need to put yourself first and if you need to move then you need to move and you can hold your head high when/if you do.

I'm still owe you a beer!

thomasross20

So I decided to give online dating a try. For 14 months I've put everything into helping the girls out but I eventually spoke to them about it and they said they were relieved as I've been focusing on them TOO much and they think it's good for me to meet people. I've seen 4 ladies (not at the same time!) just for companionship more than anything.. lately I've been seeing somebody who I think is out of my reach. Studied at Oxford (I am attracted to her intelligence!) and is really lovely but with a different lifestyle to me (very sporty and outdoors) and we acknowledge it probably wont work..  I'm on a massive, massive downer (hand on heart a bit heartbroken at the realisation) as it's the first time I've felt anything for anybody in all that time. I know, 14 months isn't a lot.. but I don't want to still be mourning aged 40 and find out I've left life behind. I'm really forcing myself to get out there. I think it's going to be true that the second year is the hardest - adapting to life now without Sheena. 

I actually visited this girl's family over New Year's. I mentioned how last New Year's was awful so got the invite, which was nice. When I got back, I realised how much of a shrine the house is here... there's a picture of Sheena in almost every room. I think I need to start finally sorting through some drawers and maybe replacing a picture or two. It's not just about relationships, either.. I'm thinking about the house still and work and what do I want out of life. Sometimes I just sit and stare into space; I feel I could do that for months on end. I did some hillwalking with this woman and whilst I was hesitant, it was ok and I felt a lot fitter afterward. I don't know if that sort of thing is for me but I've been wondering if sitting inside playing guitar is really "worth it" anymore. Where am I going with it.. if you only live a limited time, maybe it's best to get out and do a sport and meet other people. Yeah, you can do both... but with my addictive personality, I'd regret not spending all the time on guitar as that's how you get better. Things have been ok until this recent realisation of a relationship that's probably doomed to end (I'd rather it didn't for now) and it's probably amplified by my continuing (and now, slightly repressed) grief. I've really enjoyed spending time with somebody again. Often I've thought... "have I done the relationship and marriage thing and is now the time to do something big on my own..." but really... this has re-affirmed to me the richness of life when shared with somebody else. I wouldn't have the heart to try it again for a while. 

Whereas I was the one in the first 12 months or so to talk incessantly about Sheena, I now find I'm almost avoiding it. It certainly feels like I'm working through stages of grief. 

Moominpapa

I'm no expert on bereavement and stages of recovery but this all sounds really healthy to me - even the fact that you are "on a massive downer". Better than feeling numb.

Cabicular

You owe it to yourself and everyone around you to try and be happy.
You’ll always be conflicted and always feel a bit of guilt but you should move forward when you are ready.
I feel really guilty sometimes because I am so happy with Pam. If Susan hadn’t died I would never have met Pam... But she did and I did so there is not point beating myself up about it. Same goes to you mate.
Remember she would want you to be happy..

ToneControl

Cabicular said:

You owe it to yourself and everyone around you to try and be happy.
You’ll always be conflicted and always feel a bit of guilt but you should move forward when you are ready.
I feel really guilty sometimes because I am so happy with Pam. If Susan hadn’t died I would never have met Pam... But she did and I did so there is not point beating myself up about it. Same goes to you mate.
Remember she would want you to be happy..

Agreed, I wouldn't want my Mrs to be alone indefinitely, I don't think many people would wish for their partner to be single long-term.   I can see why my 70+ aunty might prefer to remain alone, but the younger you are, the less appropriate that seems to me.