Devastating News

Sporky

thomasross20 said:

You're right, I've definitely been thinking more of the happier times the last few days. Though I dearly want to hold on to all parts, even the sad. I have so many amazing videos just of the last 7-8 weeks. She put on weight due to the steroids but she was all the more cuddlier for it and there are some real tear-jerker videos I love.

You will be up and down, just as in "normal" life but magnified - it's OK and it's normal and it's different for all of us at the same time.

As for the friends, I completely understand your disappointment and anger at them. I also understand that it can be really difficult to know what to do as a friend of someone who's suffered such incredible loss - and shown such enormous fortitude in dealing with it. I had no idea what to post throughout this thread; I can only hope that I can offer some useful suggestions at this stage. People have different abilities to deal with different things.

TTony

thomasross20 said:

Friends who said they'd be knocking on my door every day... it never happened. 

Lots of people find it hard to deal with.

They don't know what to say, whether to smile or be sad, how you'll be and how they'd react, etc, etc.  So they avoid putting themselves - and possibly you - in an awkward position by not coming around.

As they see how you're handling everything, they'll relax a little more, and start being in your life a little more.

ToneControl

TTony said:

thomasross20 said:

Friends who said they'd be knocking on my door every day... it never happened. 

Lots of people find it hard to deal with.

They don't know what to say, whether to smile or be sad, how you'll be and how they'd react, etc, etc.  So they avoid putting themselves - and possibly you - in an awkward position by not coming around.

As they see how you're handling everything, they'll relax a little more, and start being in your life a little more.

was about to post the same sort of thing:
most people are frightened off, they feel uncomfortable
I'm not sure what the best tactic is, perhaps just invite one or two round at a time to nip out for a pint, to break the ice again?

boogieman

Tom I did say to you in an earlier post that "friends" will disappear after Sheena had passed. The true friends will stick with you, but even they're probably wary of treading on your toes and thinking you need some space at the moment. I think in this situation you have to do most of the running to get your social life going again (obviously if you want to and when you're ready). 

Funerals and death do tend to make the arseholes come out of the woodwork. I hope you get things resolved with Sheena's ex, but there was obviously a reason they got divorced in the first place and he doesn't sound a particularly nice character. If you haven't already done it, make a bombproof will so that your wishes are adhered to precisely . 

thomasross20

Guys, you've all said some nice things, so thank you. 

I'm not online as much as previous, I feel it takes an effort to do so but I'm sure I'll get back into the swing of things. Didn't want to be rude and not reply, though!

Sheena's friends have been pretty good. It's mainly my "close" friends but hey ho. I've been direct at asking them but nothing much happens. I don't want to make a big song and dance about it but at least now I know. 

I'm going back to work 4th Dec... hopefully transition in slowly in time for end of the year..! 

It was good to speak to the Marie Curie nurse. At least I didn't wake up at 4am feeling angry and unable to get back to sleep. I'm sure nobody else is feeling angry. So why feel like that myself.. trying to let it slide..

Her ex and I actually get on but his words about Sheena and his betrayal of her final wish was a lot for me to take. I'm sort of ignoring for now, enough time for me to calm down and just co-exist. 

Been out Christmas shopping today with her other daughter. Both going to see Sheena's grave again tomorrow - just been bitterly, bitterly cold recently!!

boogieman

Don't think anyone expects you to be on here all the time mate.

All the best with going back to work. It will probably help you mentally to have some distraction and to get your life back to something as near to normal as you can hope for. Take care. 

Bridgehouse

It will take as long as it takes mate. We will all be here as and when.

Fancy a meet up at the guitar show in brum next year?

TTony

thomasross20 said:

It's mainly my "close" friends but hey ho.

Oi!! We're all still here

thomasross20 said:

It was good to speak to the Marie Curie nurse. At least I didn't wake up at 4am feeling angry and unable to get back to sleep. I'm sure nobody else is feeling angry. So why feel like that myself.. trying to let it slide..

You feel angry because it's a perfectly natural part of the grieving - and healing - process.  

Being a complete non-expert, I'd say the fact that you're feeling it is a good thing.  It shows that your emotions are still there and you're recognising them - and you're dealing with them very sensibly.  It shows that you're going through the healing process, which will (eventually) get you to a better place.  

So, if you can, be happy about feeling angry.

thomasross20

Ugh so many things to dooooo... Trying to sell Sheena's car but getting seriously poor offers from WBAC, Evans Halshaw etc. Might just bite the bullet and take what's offered.

Been back at work two days now. It's a slog. Everybody has been great (super supportive work and good team) but the days are dark and I'm not used to sitting in a chair for 8+ hours a day and in front of a screen anymore. I wondered why my old chair kept hitting its arms against the desk and somebody else had to point out I had to lower the seat - obviously I'm just "not with it." Also, 4 months out of semiconductors and there's so much that has changed. Just have to keep chipping away at it. It was quite sad driving home yesterday because no matter how good, bad, exciting or dull work could be, Sheena would always be there at the end of it and made me feel better and almost give me a reason to get through the day, as such. Maybe I'll move to Jamaica and paint boats or something

Bridgehouse

thomasross20 said:

 Maybe I'll move to Jamaica and paint boats or something

You are Andy Dufresne and ICM £5  

thomasross20

That's the image I had in mind!

Cabicular

thomasross20 said:

Ugh so many things to dooooo... Trying to sell Sheena's car but getting seriously poor offers from WBAC, Evans Halshaw etc. Might just bite the bullet and take what's offered.

Been back at work two days now. It's a slog. Everybody has been great but the days are dark and I'm not used to sitting in a chair for 8+ hours a day and in front of a screen anymore. I wondered why my old chair kept hitting its arms against the desk and somebody else had to point out I had to lower the seat - obviously I'm just "not with it." Also, 4 months out of semiconductors and there's so much that has changed. Just have to keep chipping away at it. It was quite sad driving home yesterday because no matter how good, bad, exciting or dull work could be, Sheena would always be there at the end of it and made me feel better and almost give me a reason to get through the day, as such. Maybe I'll move to Jamaica and paint boats or something

It’ll take time
one of my clearer memories was sitting in the Chinese takeaway in Biggar waiting for my dinner and thinking, I’ll go home and maybe go out for a jog
I think that’s where I turned a corner from existing to living again
but it took more than a few months

Bridgehouse

thomasross20 said:

That's the image I had in mind!

Haha!

VimFuego

it's what I did (well, not move to Jamaica to paint boats, but my version of that) when we had our year from hell. I'd been unhappy for years before that, and it took that to kick me out of my fug. Life can be, as you know only too well, cut very short for no good reason, the only thing you can do it make the best of the time you have, if that means painting boats in the carib, then go for it (though I believe being Scottish you may be allergic to sunshine).

thomasross20

@Cabicular it's definitely "existing" just now..
I think I'd be sorely tempted to try something new out but I've got responsibilities now.
So tired. Not touching guitar. Just cannot be @rsed with anything.
Every night I look at the photos & videos on Google Drive - there are sooo many. I think I wont properly go through them all until months have passed. Or years, if I dip in and out.

Cannot be @rsed. That sums it up.

thomasross20

VimFuego said:

it's what I did (well, not move to Jamaica to paint boats, but my version of that) when we had our year from hell. I'd been unhappy for years before that, and it took that to kick me out of my fug. Life can be, as you know only too well, cut very short for no good reason, the only thing you can do it make the best of the time you have, if that means painting boats in the carib, then go for it (though I believe being Scottish you may be allergic to sunshine).

Is that when you switched from accountancy to ... a job in the wold (you cut trees IIRC)? I don't know what your year of hell was (apologies!!) but I can understand. Actually yes, I think if it wasn't for the girls (and I'm glad I have them!!!!) I'd work abroad or try something different. I'll wait a while, see how they settle etc. Just feeling like sitting and staring into space. It's a total switch-around from how I was the last 9 months or so.

VimFuego

yeah, my situation was slightly different from yours as we didn't have kids, which complicates matters no end. 

ToneControl

It takes 3-4 weeks to get used to working again
forcing your brain to think about complicated work stuff takes a while to get used to

merlin

Thomas, I feel for you, really I do. The numbness must be awful. 
Hang out with mates whenever you can, take the girls somewhere new. Come and visit me in Brighton.... 

BRISTOL86

Very bad time of year to try and sell a car Tom, unless you need to sell immediately to one of the car buyers then I’d be tempted to hold out until Jan and look for a private sale, I guess it’s all down to how happy you are to not do it ASAP.