Devastating News

thomasross20

+1 I hope things turn out ok for your friend @xinkai. ;;;;

I haven't really been adding to this though some things have been happening. The estate is now sorted though I'm getting financial advice on what to do with the girls' money. Haven't seen or heard from the girls' dad or brother. After broken promises and ill behaviour, I'm glad of this.

I might be getting the company's most complex and high profile project *eek*. It started off being a real drag getting back to work but it's ok for now and I'll be very busy for 12-24 months. To beat the traffic I work 10-6:30 so most of the day has gone by the time I get back. I'm not living to work, though... I've learned that lesson. 

I've been making sure to do things with the girls, they're great and I'm so glad I have them here with me. Sheena wanted us to go on a holiday this year so have been looking into that. 

I haven't been doing too much guitar - when I play, it's acoustic 99% of the time. Fleetwood Mac fingerstyle stuff. Have been sticking to an exercise plan so far - nothing major and I'm not even sure why but hey. 

There are ups and downs and at unexpected times. I went to Marie Curie counseling, it is a group thing once a month only (one to one support is available for up to two years but it's day time). It's ok and I'll keep going but nothing revelatory. Right now I'm just getting through the days, some good and some bad, all of them lonely and a touch surreal. I have to remind myself that I'm not romanticising things - it really was THAT good with Sheena. And thank you @xinkai , it really was a strong and true love (well, it still is from me and always will be). I wish a great many things with hindsight. The usual... wishing we got married sooner and taking time off work even earlier (if you're ever in this situation, god forbid, forget about the financial consequences as time is massively more important). 

Lots of other things done and to do, though at a slower pace now. It's a good thing that I'm here for the girls because I've done things like apply for a dependant's pension for my autistic step-daughter, since Sheena worked in the civil service for a time. It's nothing major but just things like that nobody else is bothering or thinking about. 

New year's was the worst day since she passed away. I didn't like it. I went to the graveyard and kissed her headstone goodnight. 

I watch the videos and read her letters and fear I will forget the feeling of what it was like to be in her physical presence.. that sort of thing. It will probably fade with time, which is sad. Or maybe it won't.

Sheena was my best friend as well as wife and now the girls are my best friends. We're taking good care of each other. 

I could write loads but thought I'd give this a rest for a while, certainly not wanting to speak negative thoughts all the time, which are slightly less now but were many in months past. 

I say goodnight to her most nights and I'm at the grave every week with good flowers. 

Other than the girls, I feel I'm not living for anything in particular, whereas it was always for Sheena before. This might sound ridiculous or naive but I feel I've done so much with my life and I'd be ok if I keeled over tonight if there was the slightest hint of being able to see Sheena again. I'm ok, I'm here for the girls and not thinking dark thoughts. It's just a general apathy that sometimes hits me.. like "what's the point.."

It's been almost three months and so many moments pop into my head. E.g. today driving back from work I remember one of her friends saw her for the last time on my birthday in her hospital bed in the living room prior to leaving for Marie curie. That was their last goodbye and it was emotional. It's not all sad thoughts but it's always sad as she's not here. I'm not ready to "live again" as my solicitor put it (his wife died of cancer over a year ago). 

I was right when I said the hardest part (for me) would be afterward. Life goes on for others, people come to terms with it at different times, bills still need to be paid.. but I will always have this experience at the back (forefront?) of my mind. 

Sometimes I think.. am I thinking and feeling about my own emotions and feelings more than I'm actually thinking about Sheena herself. Usually it's a sense of loss and loneliness that gets me, other times I will twist the ring on my finger and feel strong, like I've known a great love and nobody can take that away from me. 

Right. Bed time!

DLM

thomasross20 said:

Have been sticking to an exercise plan so far - nothing major and I'm not even sure why but hey. 

Glad to see you post, Tiggs, I'd been wondering about you lately. I can answer this ^^: Because taking care of your body will help take care of your mind.

xinkai

@Strat_a_tat_tat ; @thomasross20 , thanks for the concern, my friend had a huge cyst (17cm in diameter) that thankfully turned out to be benign. She underwent a surgery to have it removed, and is now on a long journey of recovery because that operation was quite involved. The recovery will take awhile, but at least she's not in any danger anymore.

She's my housemate here in London, and i treat her like my little sister. She's the one always bringing cheer and joy to the house, so it was quite sad to see her down and out when she received the news. Also a wake up call that anyone at any age can be at risk, just because we're young doesn't make us invincible.

Glad to hear about how you're coping @thomasross20 , your line about not living for anything caught my attention though. Just because Sheena isn't around doesn't mean you can't keep living for her. There must be things she would want you to do for yourself - not just go on holiday with the girls, but something deeper. Perhaps something like a goal she would have liked you to set for yourself. This is just coming from how we like to say that the living should continue to live happily in honour of their loved ones that have passed, but really it is the 'living happily' part that's hard to decipher and execute, given how different the context of our lives can be. So i think it's something that deserves some thinking on your own with little to no external input, on what it means to live happily for Sheena.

Sorry for the rambling, just felt compelled to share!

Strat_a_tat_tat

@thomasross20 Good to hear from you. Not sure what to say, except... Just make sure you know that you're a bit of a hero... and there's a lot of love and respect for you around these parts.

Strat_a_tat_tat

@xinkai. Lot of wise words in your post.

Glad to hear your housemate is on the mend.

To a certain extent, I guess some good can come out of suffering. If your housemate's health scare helped to give some of those around her a bit of a wake up call and put various aspects of life into a different perspective... that can be a good thing. Obviously, I'm not saying anybody wants anyone to suffer... but it's almost as if being able to take something positive from a situation is part of respecting the person that's going through the tough time.

Not sure I've managed to express that very well!!  It makes sense in my head - but maybe that's the problem.

thomasross20

A little exercise definitely makes me feel a bit better

That is a large cyst (17cm!) - thanks heavens it was benign. And yes, anything could happen to anybody at any time. Sheena did tell me to ease back into work though maybe at some point I'll kick into gear and do something big and different (I sort of feel that I should). I'll tell you what I will do - I will take constant care of the girls and I will release that damn album which I told her I'd dedicate to her. Just haven't touched it for months. I'm sure I'll come up with something else to do - probably involving other people as I do like the company of others right now. 

Thanks 'strat - if only I had a heroic power like being able to maintain a full head of lush hair...  

Several folk said they took positives from Sheena's story so that's good.

thomasross20

Still been doing the exercise! I find it hard to put weight on, though - I have to eat so so much which I'm not used to. 

Just sorting stuff out with the financial advisor for the girls (which is more than "anybody else" is doing for them...). Before Sheena would take half the load but I'm doing everything now (the girls are good at helping around the house, though). I get back 7:30pm nights and Zoe is working (she's a waitress and seems happy but I want her to look into studying, which I don't think will happen - I don't want her on low wage dependant on some man but there's only so much you can push an idea) - so Lisa is on her own a lot which isn't great but what can I do? 

All my focus has been on the girls. In fact, I think it's unhealthy. Not good for them and not good for me. Sometimes the highlight of the day is when they get home and I ask how their day was. If I stop focusing on them, I have to focus on me, and I'm lost. It's been just over 3 months now - sometimes I get a breather, a chance to sit and think. But often not. The commute for work is getting worse and I swear I'm losing more hair (as per my post in the baldness thread)! Most days aren't spectacular - I'm still grieving. I'll never get over it, but I can push through the days. Often I am chronically tired at work. Today was ok-ish... I actually got into playing guitar, whereas for the longest time I haven't seen the point or "felt the fire". 

The loneliness is worse than I thought it would be. Part of me wants to fill that void (apparently a common reaction) - being alone after ten years is so alien. The reality is I really don't want to, and nobody would be good enough. And with my balding head, who'd want me! I just miss her, all the time. I say goodnight to her every night. I ordered a lovely granite urn for her where we can light a candle - my Valentine's present for Sheena. I just couldn't believe it the other night as I was driving on my own in the dark to the grave of my deceased wife - I just couldn't believe this was happening! The tears do come at random times, as they say, and it's good to let them come. I'm not angry much - just sad. 

I try to get out and be around people. The girls and I will go on holiday in September as Sheena wanted us to. In December we'll go to see Def Leppard. I want to get a short break mid-year if I can manage it so that I'm not the palest person in Scotland. But I'll be going on my own, which is a bit depressing.

I'm in contact with an old neighbour of Sheena's whose son died of a rare cancer - we send each other letters. My monthly group session is tomorrow. 

Got to go just now.. just thought I'd update. 

TTony

Thanks for keeping in touch Tom.

Nitefly

One day at a time, Tigger - you know we're all in your corner.  You're doing all the right stuff, including keeping this thread updated.

Best wishes, as always.

richardhomer

Thomas - the loneliness thing is one to watch. It’s easy when you’re looking after others to end up doing only that - or work. There are plans to do another Northern Fretboard Jam later in the year - if there’s any chance you can make it - you should. I had a great day at the last one - it really took me out of myself. 

Meanwhile - the exercise sounds like very good idea.

thomasross20

Will keep an eye out for that and thanks, guys! 
And yeah.. have to watch out the loneliness feelings don't get worse.

DLM

thomasross20 said:

And with my balding head, who'd want me! 

My mum can't be the only woman on the planet who loves baldies! She always has. My dad actually had quite a lot of hair compared to her crushes, though even the women on his side of the family have bald spots...

If you do get back to the dating game, play the cards you have, and don't worry about not being able to do a Prince Charming hair toss like on Shrek, it's a non-issue!

ToneControl

thanks for keeping us updated, I'm glad to hear highs and lows. I'd rather be updated, so don't leave us out, it sounds like your approach is a good one for you

thomasross20

On a guitar-related theme... I've been learning a few more acoustic songs. "Never going back again" being the current fave. 

Went to see "one night of queen" with the girls which was good. Brian May's guitar parts are just awesome. I'm so out of shred - too many notes and you can't enjoy them !

Maybe in another three months I'll feel a bit better.

Bucket

thomasross20 said:

Maybe in another three months I'll feel a bit better.

You will.

The fact you're now starting to find enjoyment in certain things, which you previously couldn't, speaks to that.

thomasross20

thomasross20

Group session last night was good, I got my piece said. They again recommended I join "widowed and young" - folk in my situation who do meet ups and even go on short breaks. So I joined it last night and will see how that goes. 

thomasross20

Had mother's day recently and the girls got their mum some nice things.

It's Sheena's birthday on Saturday and I've ordered a large spray for her grave (and I'll get a helium balloon as she loved those). 

I still write cards (as do the girls) so I've got a birthday card, and also a wedding anniversary card - the wedding was 7th April - time is really coming round fast. 

I've been so busy, largely with work (which is insane right now) - so I've not had too much time to reflect of late. My taste in music has shifted massively - I'm listening to a whole lot more acoustic singer-songwriter stuff, plus lots of Scottish music. Stuff Sheena liked and I'm really getting into it and playing it and singing along on my guitar. I'm finding this immensely satisfying - not just from an emotional perspective but also musically. My electrics haven't quite been thrown out of the window but this new approach is a breath of fresh air and I find the lyrics and meaning in these songs so much more potent than 80s rock (which I still like!). This isn't some plug for what I'm doing now (as it doesn't sound great anyway lol) but here's an example:


I was looking forward to a week's break in the sun and two groups of friends said they'd definitely go and were making big noises about it and now they've all backed out, which left me feeling like sh!t. Sheena would never have let me down like that - so now I don't know whether to go on my own or just leave it. 

I had a brief blip where I wanted to fill the void that is left by Sheena - I think it's natural. But a blip is all it was. I do miss the companionship but as far as I'm concerned, I'm alone now. I'm not actively seeking and nobody can hold a torch to her.

The girls and I are a great little support network and now that I'm slowly getting back into music, I'm starting to do more things for myself so I'm not obsessed with being in constant company, which isn't too healthy. I swapped my Skoda for a Focus petrol, which is what Sheena advised I do first time round and she was right... it's great and my sore back I had from driving the Skoda has disappeared (no offence to Skoda drivers - otherwise was a great car). 

I look forward to the monthly Marie Curie sessions - I really like going there to talk about things. The "widowed and young" group hasn't really been helpful, I feel. 

Can you believe that I'm still sorting out some things.. now largely related to the girls' future. And I still need to choose some human-height, red, not-too-wide-spreading and ever"green" tree for the back garden (clay soil). I've had a few "rest" days as I do tend to run myself into the ground doing things. Feels good to stop and breathe sometimes  

I've been posting here a little more. I appreciate the friendly faces and the good you all do, the guitar/music chat and the meet-ups. Work's just insane. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing for me. 

I wont lie, the loneliness is red raw and aching, mostly at night time. I always say goodnight to her, press the little build-a-bear paw she recorded a message in, and visit her grave every weekend without fail (other than when we had that snowstorm). My project at work, and learning these acoustic songs, gives me a little focus, something to live for. Otherwise I can still be quite apathetic. I still haven't even opened her wardrobe yet. I'm glad for the contact I've had on here and from people on here. I think without that sort of help it would be a lot worse. It's like my brain knows what has happened and intellectually I should be able to "figure it out" and "move on" but it really doesn't work that way. There's a lot more "heart" and "emotion" to it all. Obviously. 

Looking forward to the meet-up in Huddersfield

underdog

Good to hear from you man, and fuck me are you an inspiration to me, the way you've coped with all this and the love you show for Sheena still to this day amazes me. You're awesome.

thomasross20

I'll always love Sheena until my last breath (as dramatic as that sounds, I know the last thing on my mind will be looking forward to seeing her again). Thank you!