Devastating News

ToneControl

thomasross20 said:

I'll read that and reply to recent replies when I get the chance. Feel I've so little time having started back at work. 

I'm getting my ashes next to Sheena when I die but for those who go on to other relationships I wonder how they decide what happens to their own remains later down the line (split ashes?)..  just something that popped into my head ..!!!

Usually it's the living that decide I think, 
My Mrs's brothers arranged to bury her Dad with their Mum, rather than with his second wife and her first husband (which Mrs's Dad had actually suggested but was advised against)

thomasross20

Haven't really posted much in general or on this thread as, evidenced by the "life changing moments" thread, others have gone through (and are going through) similar or worse.

Things are a bit pants, really. Powered through my to-do list, been doing a bit of exercise, coasting at work. There's just an epic hole been left by Sheena's passing and I've just been angry, sad, alone and apathetic towards most things. I just e-mailed Marie Curie to say I will attend at least one bereavement support group session starting in January. I might also attend a social event by a group called "widowed and young." Decided I wont keep getting in touch with "friends" - I need new and better friends who will actually put effort in to physically be there for me. Text on a phone screen isn't good enough when they only live a few miles away. Support from people on here and at work has been good.

Thank heavens for the girls, let me tell you. They are absolutely brilliant. I got them lots of Christmas presents and will try to take them to Disney Florida next year like Sheena wanted. I visit Sheena's grave often and have decorated it nicely for Christmas. I went down there one night and planted pansies, which she always liked. I also ordered a proper granite lantern so I can light a candle when I visit.

I've been very active regarding keeping the girls occupied and especially regarding Lisa's autism clubs. Haven't heard from the step-son (good...) and have been avoiding their dad. He "did the dirty" on Sheena by betraying her dying wish to appoint legal sub-guardians for Lisa, as he promised. I don't need people like that in my life. Places me in an awkward position, though.

Have had some invites for Christmas (it's the girls' dad's year for food, so they will be back 6pm) but according to Marie Curie nurses, the popular option for widowers this year is to spend it alone, to reflect. That's what I'm going to do, and  I'll pay Sheena a wee visit.

It's not even been two months. Still raw. General apathy, tiredness and longing for that "complete" feeling I had with Sheena. I was incredibly lucky to have her - she was incredibly loving and caring, never let me down once, she was incredibly fit (!) and the intimate side was amazing, you name it. The best time of the day is first thing in the morning - sometimes I'm in a semi-lucid state and think she's still here until I properly wake up. That's the best part of the day. Well... spending time with the girls and giving them a cuddle goodnight is also heartwarming.

Best get back to work. Merry Christmas and all that!

TTony

thomasross20 said:

 the popular option for widowers this year is to spend it alone, to reflect. That's what I'm going to do, 

You're not alone TR - even on Christmas day, I'm betting that a good few of your friends will be here.

thomasross20

I defo know that, thank you

sweepy

Working Xmas night so I may be about, 

jonnyburgo

Hi Thomas, I haven't contributed much to this thread as everyone seems to already echo my sentiments and be able to voice them more succinctly than I can. it is natural to have these depressive slumps, you can't fight them or suppress them, it isn't healthy. I've never been through what you have but I do know that grieving isn't a linear process. you can feel like you've come through the other side only to get knocked on your arse months later out of the blue. Go easy on yourself and if you ever think "If only i'd..." try to forgive yourself mate, you have been an absolute star and shown yourself to be a superhero of a man.

TheBigDipper

@thomasross20 Don't write off those "missing" friends just yet...  When I was going through 6 months of chemo in 2016, one of my oldest friends (who lives just 2 miles away) never came to our house once to see me - although he did phone from time to time and I phone him. Most of the time I was well enough to see people, just dopey for 7/8 days every 28 days, but I was bored out of my mind - a blitzed immune system means being very careful about what you eat and where you go.  

Anyway, the point of telling you this is that, when confronted, I found out he can't do "tough" situations (we'd never been tested like this before) and he is more of a prisoner of his mind than I ever was of my body. So, despite wanting to see me, he just couldn't. It wasn't that he didn't care. 

guitars4you

I was just think of you earlier today so good to hear from you - I do wish you all the best over the festive season but fully appreciate words are not enough and I know it won't be easy - But you know what I mean - I'll be thinking of you

Try not to be bitter and/or angry and work with the good things that surround you, no matter what they are and build from there - It won't be easy but try to be positive - Talk to who you can and take small steps whilst you are  'rebuilding' - I'm off to see my mum's grave now - Time does help but you'll never forget

thomasross20

@sweepy we will defo have that meet-up!

@jonnyburgo - so many things I wish I could say to her now after the huge event is over. Still, lots of photos and videos to get through - still living in the past wishing it was today!

@TheBigDipper I totally get it, though I confronted them (!) and turns out a few of them really are just a bit lazy and thoughtless - just a different type of character to the one I "need."

@guitars4you have a "nice" trip (you know what I mean!) and thanks, as ever!

Sporky

thomasross20 said:

turns out a few of them really are just a bit lazy and thoughtless - just a different type of character to the one I "need."

Right now, yes.

Later they may be just what you need. Different people meet different needs for each other.

speshul91

I just agreed with @Sporky just off to ring a doctor. 

Sporky

Post as much rubbish as I do and there's something for everyone eventually.

Evilmags

Tom, don' be scared to talk to a good doctor (Peter Copp in Edinburgh is experienced with this sort of thing). You'e been running on adrenaline and anxiety for months. It will have caused receptor damage and other such issues. When the adrenaline goes it can feel like their is not much left.

If you get circular thoughts go very quickly to a doctor. Don't Fall in to a condition that left untreated and without monatoring can become impossible to shake. 

thomasross20

I'm scheduled for an initial grief counseling (group) session 8th Jan at the place where Sheena passed away. There's  group called "widowed and young" I might check out. I find I'm just staring at my screen. Planning to get a lot of sleep over the holiday week!

iseverynamegone

My cousin just received a terminal diagnosis out of the blue. Same age as me (47), young teenage kids.  

Heartbreaking. 

Stay strong through xmas Thomas. 

thomasross20

Oh no! That's awful  
Thoughts are definitely with them..

Paul_C

You could try doing things for her - I'm sure she'd rather you found things to enjoy rather than be sad that she's gone.

Maybe take her with you, you must have hundreds of memories of things the two of you did together so take her memory along and see what she thinks of anything you happen to be doing.

You might want to keep any conversations between the two of you in your head otherwise people might worry, or have you sectioned   but you can still have her there when ever you want.

I know that saying stuff like this is not necessarily helpful, and I know that when you're down it looks like you're never going to be free of the grief that you're suffering, but I'd rather offer a daft solution than do nothing and who knows, it might not be as daft an idea as it looks to me now.

thomasross20

No that's good!! Actually Sheena said wherever the girls and I go on holiday if I take a little picture of her and get a quick snap, it'd be like she was there. I do talk to her, in my head

xinkai

disappeared from the forum for a bit cos i was caught up with school and stuff, but a friend's recent health scare reminded me of you, so i decided to come back and have a look. 

so sorry to hear of your loss, @thomasross20, may not know you in person but i just want you to know that this thread has been an eye-opener for me. as a young person with little experience, i have learnt through you what love really means. 

For the new year, here's wishing you stay strong and amazing as you have been - her kids are fortunate to have you.

Strat_a_tat_tat

xinkai said:

as a young person with little experience, i have learnt through you what love really means. 

For the new year, here's wishing you stay strong and amazing as you have been - her kids are fortunate to have you.

You may be young in years... but you have a very mature and well informed attitude.

I hope your friend's health scare turned out OK.