Devastating News

thomasross20

Can't believe it's the "second year in" now.. and after what's happened I have a real sense of my own mortality.

Thanks, folks... I'm happy you moved on and are happy @Cabicular. I think if this doesn't work out I'll take a slight breather from the online dating. Maybe it's better to meet folk  in the flesh through groups. I suspended my profile for now, anyway - just not feeling so great about things. But yeah.. must try to keep moving forward ... and stop staring into space so much. It can be a struggle for me at work, too... I've really got to try and motivate myself. 

Also I've got to watch not to change who I am.. e.g. quit guitar altogether and become a hillwalker to fit into somebody else's lifestyle lol (though some small changes might be good).

It's still good for me to use this thread as an outlet.. I would hope this talk doesn't seem like I'm droning on or being disrespectful of Sheena. Must admit it is going to be hard to take some of the photos down. Often I've wondered if moving away and starting afresh would be the best thing. And now it's midnight and I'm rambling... Signing out!

Foster

If you want to get out and meet people in the flesh whilst still having a retention of what you like and enjoy can I suggest contact a local amateur dramatics group? You'd be surprised how difficult it can be to find someone who is willing to man the sound desk for stage & wireless mics as well as triggering sound effects.

Gives you a bit of a challenge (amazing what you can do when their equipment consists of "whatever the local DJ shop in town sold us") and you meet great people. You'll probably get asked to play guitar for any variety shows they put on too.


I'd knock online dating on the head for a bit, it's a bag of shite in general.

Cabicular

I met Pam when I joined the Liftshaft Incident. She is the singer so it does help we have a lot in common.
I tried the online dating thing and even speed dating ... not great for me. Totally agree with the above. Find an interest. Join Mensa.. it’s hopping with intelligent singles 

p90fool

Tiggs I wouldn't get too hung up on what you have in common with others as long as you have intelligence and humour. 

I was a scruffy biker and musician who smoked and drank whiskey when I met my international sportswoman wife 25 years ago.

I eventually started to enjoy a bit of running and cycling, we played squash badly together, and she passed her motorcycle test and became an instructor, then learned to play drums and joined my band. 

We were the most incongruous looking couple to start with, but we made each other laugh, and that was enough to get us started. 

FarleyUK

I think now, more than ever, you need to carry on with whatever makes you happy; if that's playing the guitar, keep doing it. Want to meet new people? Go along to jam nights, see live bands in pubs etc. Just get out and used to interacting again, with no pressure (unlike online dating where there's an 'expectation' and added pressure).

May I also suggest trying a new sport...? I can HIGHLY recommend a martial art - something like Ju Jitsu where it's not too intense, is good fun, helps fitness, and you again meet new people.

Might be worth a try?

guitars4you

Glad to hear you are trying to adjust and come to terms with 'creating a life without Sheena' - Good to hear the girls appreciate the situation - I'm sure they appreciate your relationship with their mum and the time spent with them after, but they will be moving on soon, in one form or another, as they build their own life and future

Don't worry about trying to find Sheena #2 straight away as it probably won't happen - Let each date takes its path but enjoy the company and see how it  develops - Hopefully it will build new confidence for you

My mum died over 30 years ago and my dad was barely 50 - A year later he went on a date - More a case of making up the numbers on a trip to the theatre, with a few other friends and a widowed lady - They clicked - A year later married and still together ever since - Great for my dad that he has had a second lease of life and I know there is someone around to look after him - But he never forgets my mum etc - I don't think anyone will expect  you to forget Sheena - So remember fondly but building a new life is important

I would not give up the guitar - Granted it might not be a career, but it is part of who you are and you should have interests that are yours alone, as well as common interests with a partner

Keep in touch and best wishes for 2019 and the future

Snap

thomasross20 said:

Can't believe it's the "second year in" now.. and after what's happened I have a real sense of my own mortality.

Thanks, folks... I'm happy you moved on and are happy @Cabicular. I think if this doesn't work out I'll take a slight breather from the online dating. Maybe it's better to meet folk  in the flesh through groups. I suspended my profile for now, anyway - just not feeling so great about things. But yeah.. must try to keep moving forward ... and stop staring into space so much. It can be a struggle for me at work, too... I've really got to try and motivate myself. 

Also I've got to watch not to change who I am.. e.g. quit guitar altogether and become a hillwalker to fit into somebody else's lifestyle lol (though some small changes might be good).

It's still good for me to use this thread as an outlet.. I would hope this talk doesn't seem like I'm droning on or being disrespectful of Sheena. Must admit it is going to be hard to take some of the photos down. Often I've wondered if moving away and starting afresh would be the best thing. And now it's midnight and I'm rambling... Signing out!

Hey Tom, this is good to read. You know more than most that life is precious and for living. I think you are probably doing just what Sheena would want you to. You've got a long life a head of you and no-one should feel bad about living it to the full and trying to get happy. Good luck pal.

And yeah, keep on rockin for sure!! Hillwalking vs guitars? WTF? That's not a contest in anyone's book!!! \m/

Kalimna

A quick positive note for online dating - whilst there may be downsides and expectations, they will be present for *any* date. I think it's much easier to meet people outside of your circle of friends online, especially when you have passed being a student...
My wife and i celebrate our 10th anniversary this year, and 12th of being together, all courtesy of Match.com 
Of my 2 regrets, not having a record of our initial communications (emails and texts are very easily lost) is more significant now than i ever considered. So that would be my advice whichever way you go - keep backups because you *will* want to read them in the future.
Good luck, and as others have said, your own happiness is important.

Adam

Snags

Sounds like you're getting it pretty much spot on - self-aware, and moving at a pace you're comfortable with, making decisions that make sense to you. You can't do much more than that!

I wouldn't worry to much about what's "normal". I have a couple of friends who lost their spouses significantly ahead of schedule. Both in solid relationships, love-of-life stuff.  One was remarried within 2 years (possibly 18 months); the other is still single 14 years on, with just the occasional foray into dating. You do what's right for you.

thomasross20

I actually thought about amateur theatre but as a participant! But my time is so limited I reckon I can't try too many new things, and should do some sort of sport. As my commute is quite bad, I thought about maybe doing some sort of boxercise or boot-camp after work twice a week as I think that could be a really good workout (as long as it doesn't hurt my hands!).

Somebody else mentioned Mensa recently - I'm going to take the test out of curiosity lol..

I don't want to be one of these people who regrets quitting music so will keep my hand in... my continuing project is to take singing lessons and do a solo acoustic-rock thing...

Just to say I do read and appreciate all replies even if sometimes I don't post or address any specifically!

Still looking forward to Huddersfield in February ... !

fnpt

@thomasross20

I too widowed in 2016. My wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February and after a very hard and courageous fight she died late november aged 43. We had been together for 24 years.

Like you, I dedicated the next 17 months of my life to heal and to take care of my now 10 year old son. I did decide to move though, too many memories in our old house. It was the better decision.

I met and started dating a girl in March 2017. We quickly fell in love and are still together.She's divorced and has two kids from her previous marriage and it is very difficult to reconcile our very different schedules not to mention to make the kids accept the relationship. It's a different kind of love from my wife's (I still love my late wife and always will) but I am happier now and don't feel so alone.

Like you, I kept dozens of photos of her around the house even after moving but have recently decided to take them down and keep only the ones in my son's bedroom. This wasn't just because of my new relationship but also because it was time to do it. I would have done it even if I wasn't involved with anyone.

I've stopped playing guitar, it doesn't give me much pleasure any more not to mention the lack of time. It can also be a very lonely hobby if you don't gig or jam with friends.

I've joined a gym which makes me feel much better: I chat with other guys and feel fitter.

So my advise to you is to move on. You have been very brave and generous to Sheena and the girls. But it's time to think about yourself too. Also, don't think that anyone is out of your reach. You have been through some hard times and if anything it will be the other way around.

All the best to you.

thomasross20

I got a few PMs and I'll reply when I can.

@fnpt I'm very sorry for your loss...

Your words about moving on and even selling the house. All occurred to me. The hard part for me is that I  could do this but Sheena wanted the house (or any, really) as a backup for the girls and the eldest is autistic so I need to make sure she's always taken care of. Saying that, her dad is still around so he could maybe take her to live with him if I went all out and moved away. When I've been away on holiday or for work for more than a few days, coming back to the house doesn't even feel like home as we lived in it such a short while and I think if I was away, I'd be able to move on better... though at the same time, I know the house is rock solid compared to other disaster stories I've heard. I found your reply very interesting being so similar in situation and with the same considerations .. also re guitar being solitary, taking up exercise and the taking down of pictures. Have you stopped playing completely?

If I was thinking only about me I'd probably move. If not away then at least closer to work, to buy back commute time. With the time it'd buy back, I could actually use to get more of life back. As well as potentially guitar I would like to make many changes. I've been doing the same sort of work for 11 years (though well qualified in it and at a decent level now!), lived in the same place forever, been playing guitar forever and not really going out much to join groups, meet people and "live," I guess. Always working toward something rather than living the moment. I recently started singing lessons but I actually wonder, really, seriously, when I'm going to get out there and play guitar and sing. A few gigs in a dingy bar after all the practice it takes... worth it?

Thanks for that last bit. Somebody did say to me that as bad as I might feel about a relationship, it can't be worse than what I've faced. The love and dedication I've shown Sheena and the girls... if I don't match with somebody then I just have to accept it as a non-match and it's their loss lol. I'm not going to place too much importance on all this and I'm already trying to distance myself emotionally a little from this girl so I don't get hurt.

As said, I'm very aware of my own mortality now. I'm "only 34" but if I just drift on without changes I'll be no further forward and practically 40, and it's a privilege to live past 40 these days!

All the best to you, too.... thanks for writing that there..

fnpt

If playing guitar beings you joy I think you should continue playing. It didnt for me because I felt too sad to play and then lost interest and skill. The odd gig in a dingy bar could be a source of enjoyment too and an opportunity to meet and be with people.

As for this girl that you just met, even if it doesn’t work the fact that you are already willing to engage in a new relationship is a very good sign. Take the chance and go for it. What’s the worst that can happen after what you have been through?

thomasross20

Aw no - got the "rejection" via e-mail from her. All very nice about it but feel like total rubbish. 
Obviously I've faced worse but the emotion is really raw and amplified by Sheena's loss, it's a really rubbish hit to take.
Work is going to be a struggle tomorrow...!

Foster

thomasross20 said:

Aw no - got the "rejection" via e-mail from her. All very nice about it but feel like total rubbish. 
Obviously I've faced worse but the emotion is really raw and amplified by Sheena's loss, it's a really rubbish hit to take.
Work is going to be a struggle tomorrow...!

It'll sting but sod it, it's her who missed out and not you.

Internet dating brings out the worst in women, the slightest niggle or reason for them to feel any doubt (irrational as it is) and they will run away knowing full well they've got 100 other matches on tinder waiting to take them on a date.

thomasross20

I think there's some truth to that, @Foster.
Don't know if I can face more of it. Not now, at least. 
I feel I've been royally sh@t upon - and "dumped" (as such) by e-mail... on her birthday and not long after meeting her family. Something just not right. I felt it myself. So probably doing me a favour. But still very raw and something I'm not used to having been in a successful relationship for ten years. Sheena and I met as I bumped into her by mistake in Morrisons with my trolley... it was a one-in-a-million thing (or at least that's what I say!).

thomasross20

Can you believe.. we were going to meet one last time (to use a restaurant voucher I gave her for breakfast) but she just so happened to go over on her ankle so can't make it (as she told me by email)... It's completely a put-down but phrased in a way to make me look like the bad guy for questioning it. I'd rather people were just damn honest about things. Massively disappointing, despite realising I've dodged a bullet.
Don't know whether to reply with exactly what I think... or just leave it at radio silence. 

Totally put off all this dating rubbish now!! 

Snags

Let it go mate. Never worth adding to the sum of unhappiness, no matter how satisfying it appears at the time. Part nicely, keep the high ground, shrug and move on. Be the good guy, basically, you'll feel better about yourself down the road.

thomasross20

Yeah I'm just going to leave it. 
I'm angry at myself for tainting this thread about Sheena with this rubbish. 

Foster

thomasross20 said:

Yeah I'm just going to leave it. 
I'm angry at myself for tainting this thread about Sheena with this rubbish. 

You've tainted nothing mate, It's just a thread.

I'll be the big bad person of the forum - It's obvious as day you're not ready to move on. You're trying internet dating to fill a void, taking it very seriously and assuming the people you talk to are the same.

Reality is mate a majority of these girls are bored, they're just testing the waters. You'll be led on time and time again if you let them (I know of some women who use internet dating as a free night out).


Don't reply to that lass, shove it out your mind and move on